Thursday, November 12th 2009

By unknown

MANORI RAVINDRAN

SILHOUETTE STAFF

Rejection. Most people cringe at the prospect. Whether you are meting it out or on the receiving end, the entire confrontation is an unpleasant experience. You probably remember a past rejection: downtrodden, dejected, and downright miserable, you rarely stop to think that you will ever be doing the rejecting. However, it is more than likely that, one day, you, too, will be the bad guy in a sticky situation.

McMaster sociology graduate student Morgan Chapman argued that there are no shortcuts to get around rejection: “There’s no easy way to tell someone that they aren’t the one, or that you’re not even going to give them the chance to prove to you that they’re the one.” However, if you are in a relationship, are engaged, or even married, all you have to say is, “Sorry, I’m not single” and it’s mission accomplished.

Unfortunately, things become complicated when you are single, aren’t interested, and have to answer that dreaded question: “Why not?”

There are all sorts of reasons why not. Perhaps you’re not attracted to your admirer. Maybe your personalities don’t click. Or it could be that you are just plain freaked out by their obsession with Battlestar Galactica. The “honesty is the best policy” motto is a good one to adopt, but not to the point of brutality. Telling someone they are ugly or uninteresting will hurt their self-esteem even more and damage any chance of friendship. Therefore, rather than indulging in your reasons for rejection, be as succinct as possible; this means no segueing into “If Things Were Different” scenarios or overcompensating with empty compliments.  It is best to say that you are flattered by their interest in you but just don’t feel the same way.

Immediately after you have dealt the blow, you may encounter some post-rejection remorse. Chapman advised, “The easiest way to reject someone without feeling guilty is to engage in some serious apathy…just not caring. Some might say that makes me heartless, but I like to think of it as appealing to higher loyalties. It’s really for the best, for everyone.” Distancing yourself from the situation may be wise when you consider the inevitable rejection backlash. Low-blow insults, teeth-baring, and crocodile tears are all fair game. But be strong and keep your ground! Your former fan is nursing a bruised ego, so don’t take it personally: it’s only their anger talking.

Ultimately, the golden rule of rejection is not to lead your admirer on: if you are not into them, you need to tell them so, and in a timely manner. Leading on someone who may harbour feelings for you is unkind, especially if you have no intention of becoming romantically involved. If you would like to remain friends, say so, but if you have no desire of investing in a friendship, then don’t mention it.

After the dust settles on even the most awkward situation, the question remains: How do you go about interacting with someone you have rejected? It depends on the situation. Chapman noted, “Drunken rejections are the easiest to give and take, in my opinion.” Indeed, it might be easiest to laugh things off if the other person can pretend it was the booze talking, but this is not always the case. Spending time with someone you recently rejected can be awkward for both of you.

Undoubtedly, rejection is an art form that deserves to be mastered. While the wrong turn of phrase can land you on someone’s hit list, a little diplomacy can help smooth over a potential disaster.  So, next time, rather than telling your devotee that they are the last person on Earth you would ever go out with, take a little time to consider their feelings and make it a rejection they’ll never remember.

Tags: REJECTION, satsc