Thursday, October 9th 2008

By atifa hamir

  It was 3 a.m., I was fast asleep, and my phone started ringing. Stupidly, I picked it up. I spent the next two hours on the phone with an infuriated friend, who could not handle her boyfriend’s new friend. I woke my groggy self up long enough to ask what on earth the big deal was. My answer: “Um, hello! She’s a girl.”

     In a society where people’s social lives are advertised on Facebook, and with shows like Sex and the City promoting the modernization of relationships, it seems that a girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s acceptance of friends of the opposite sex would not be so hard to come by. But jealousy just won’t quit.

     Let’s start on the basis that no relationship is perfect. Issues of trust, misunderstandings, lack of communication, and low self-esteem are commonly dealt with and, in small doses, are not always relationship-ruining issues. However, is it not fair to say that these issues are the start of something bigger?

     Misunderstandings lead to misinterpretation, and a combination of lack of trust and low self-esteem can lead to the constant fear that your boyfriend or girlfriend’s friend might actually become something more. The jealous-factor just creeps up on you.

     Come to think of it, I don’t know a single relationship that hasn’t faced a jealousy issue. Whether the subject is an acquaintance or a close friend, or whether there is a sexual attraction or an emotional one, jealousy never ceases to exist. Are we then supposed to accept jealousy as just a natural factor in relationships?

     An unnamed third year Health Science student believed irrationality to be a major cause. “My girlfriend began to think that this other girl and I would become romantically involved because she was a “better fit” for me… Consciously she knows I would never cheat or do anything to hurt her, but her irrational fears were overriding her ability to think rationally.”

     I’m sure many of us have been in one of the three roles: the jealous boyfriend, the envious girlfriend, or the unwelcome friend. I know I have been placed in a situation where I got the heat for my male friends.

     So what happens next? Do we just push it aside and move on, or is it more important to put a stop the situation before it gets worse?

     Sarah Thawer, a second year Life Science student says that it’s all about communication and acceptance. “Communication is key. I know my boyfriend is super outgoing and I am not going to tell him to change who he is just so he stops talking to girls. When he makes new friends [who are girls] I always make sure I meet them before I judge or say anything.”

     What about the upsides of jealousy? Could it be said that jealousy acts as reflection of one’s feelings for another?

     Josh Lane, a third year Mechanical Engineering and Management student thinks jealousy can be a method to show that you care. “I think jealousy is good for a relationship in small amounts. It makes you value your partner that much more… If your significant other is a little jealous of you hanging out with girls or guys you should feel kind of good inside because at least you know they actually give a crap about you to get mad enough about the possibility of you running off with somebody.”

     Creating a trusting and open relationship from the beginning is vital to keep jealousy at a minimum. Understanding yourself as a person can help you understand why your partner can get upset or jealous. Are you a naturally and unknowingly flirtatious person? Do you pass off their comments of jealousy, instead of offering your significant other a little bit of calming reassurance? Recognizing the ways you may be contributing to their discomfort can help you rectify those habits and make your relationship better.

     What if you’re a green-with-envy type of person? You need to understand that a little jealousy is normal and try not to criticize before you meet the friend. It may just be that it’s harder to trust their friendship with your significant other from what you hear about them as opposed to meeting them yourself. Communicate your emotional and gut feelings with your partner so they know how you are feeling and help you get through it.

     If you know that a friend of yours is in a relationship and their boyfriend or girlfriend seems wary of you, making the effort to get to know them can show that you accept their partner as a part of your friends’ life. Show them that you wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that. After all, nobody wants to lose a friend.

     What about if you have already given your significant other a reason to feel jealous or suspicious? As Alex said, “If you’ve slipped up then you need to work a little bit harder, and maybe invite him or her out when you hang out with your friend so he or she can see exactly what your [completely platonic] relationship is like to ease his or her mind.”

        Jealousy in relationships can be hard to control, but is unwarranted if you’re in a loving, faithful relationship. Trust your partner and your friends and ask them to trust you. Fight that green-eyed monster! It isn’t one of the seven deadly sins for nothing.

Tags: Communication, friends, jealousy, relationships