Thursday, November 6th 2008

By chris arnett

     I don’t give a shit if you don’t believe in “Hope” and “Change.” It doesn’t matter whether you think these concepts aren’t tangible, or potent enough, or attainable within our lifetimes. I could care less what you think about the election, America, or the future. You, as an individual, don’t matter to me. There’s a time and a place to bitch and complain, and this is not it. 

     You see, where I come from it’s cool to hate things. Cynicism is the measure of intelligence. Sarcasm is our dialect. We refer to each other by derogatory, non-politically correct names because we hate the politically correct almost as much as we hate the incorrect. I can’t remember the last time I’ve done anything with any sort of sincerity—even cutting the grass is more difficult because of the uncomfortable chip on my shoulder weighing me down. I saw some trick-or-treaters the other day and instead of laughing and smiling, I looked for a puddle I could drive through and soak them all. 

     We’re cosmopolitan individuals with personal, unique capacities, we insist that we’re unclassifiable and whether or not you want to blame the media or society or your parents, for the most part we all, on some level, think the world revolves around us. We think our problems are the biggest and most daunting, that our relationships are more complicated and more difficult than anyone else’s, and that we’re actually good in bed. We don’t want to believe that something so many people can accept can apply to us—some of us have made a career off of hating something once it becomes popular. You can do it to a CD, you can do it to a movie, you can do it to fur-lined boots. This time though, my fellow jaded cynics, we have to shut up. 

     Now, I don’t openly discuss politics because most of my views would have me thrown in jail, but I think it’s pretty clear that something incredible happened two days ago. Agree or disagree, (but based on Canadian polls, there’s a pretty good chance that you’re part of the eighty-five per cent of Canadian citizens, or nearly ninety-six percent of university students who does agree with supporting Barack Obama), you can’t argue that right now, everyone in their country, in our country, and every other country in the whole world isn’t standing together, eyes affixed at the calendar awaiting that day in January.   

     We’re wallowing in the shit guys. Way more than before. People have been criticizing society and government for years, but a couple weeks ago we fully upgraded the free world threat level from “uncomfortable and frustrating” to “complete clusterfuck” and if you haven’t been seriously contemplating the possible reality of losing your job and being forced to eat your pets you’re just being ignorant. 

     I’m not suggesting Barack Obama is going to help save this world. The world can only save itself, and if it takes this man’s election to get the ball rolling, then fine. What we don’t need at this point, is people like you—people like me—bitching and complaining and refusing to believe that we can be better than this. I don’t want to take away your freedom of speech, or your university honed skills of critical thinking. I’m just asking that you turn it down for a bit, and instead of getting up in arms, realize that for once, against all possible logic and odds, the best thing that could have happened actually did. 

     Even if you can’t accept it, the rest of the world can. This sort of popularity and acceptance and reverence is unprecedented, and yes, I’m even including the Kennedys and the Beatles. Whether you consider it mass hysteria fuelled by rose coloured glasses, a break from a trigger happy cowboy or (gasp,) honest to goodness progression for the United States, it doesn’t matter. Shut your goddamned mouth and roll with it. The rest of the world is celebrating and cheering, and the last thing they need is people like us, staring snidely at the party and bitching about how it’s not going to last. No one needs that.

     You might want to “rip the system man,” or destabilize the world economy, or all that shit I gave up believing in when I was 17, but that doesn’t matter right now. Our revolution isn’t coming any time soon, and for those of you who’re still buying in bulk and prepping for the worst, this is the best way things could have worked out for the meantime. If you’re a Republican, somehow after all of this, swallow your pride and bide your time. Just wait until we’re out of this filthy, disgusting hole and then criticize. We’re not going to do it otherwise. Maybe you can’t stand Obama, but you have to respect what he’s done to Americans, and by association, the entire world. Everyone else, you’re still allowed to hate America, but not for as many reasons.

     I don’t like anything. I hate stuff because other people like it. I wear clothes because I don’t see them on TV. When I get a dipping sauce, I’ll ignore the sweet and go straight to complaining about the sour. I am a complete asshole.

     It’s only now, as a cynical, narrow-minded, defeatist jerk that I stand before you, having realized what the world is facing, do I plead for us to put a lid on it. There’s a time and place for us guys, and while it might be cool just to ruin other people’s fun just for kicks, this one’s off limits. I repeat; this one’s off limits. 

     Barack Obama is the next President of the United States, a country I’m no longer disgusted to recognize as the leader of the free world. Obama is president, and you are happy about it. If you aren’t, shut up and let the rest of the world enjoy it. Don’t ruin this for the rest of us. Who knows—as much as I don’t want to believe it, maybe, if we just try our best, along the way we might actually become better people.

Tags: Cynicism, Election