Strengthening familial ties during the pandemic

Reflecting on changes to family relationships during the pandemic

Homebound for now over a year, this has been a time of waiting. Waiting for school days back on campus. Waiting for a vaccine. Waiting for lockdown measures to be lifted to see friends and family again. But despite feeling stuck in one place, there has been much change both in the world around us and in ourselves. 

One of the many changes I experienced this past year has been my relationship with my family, particularly my aunt. Standing at just under five feet tall, my aunt is the shortest but also the toughest woman I know. 

She immigrated to Canada by herself from South Korea when she was just 21 years old and was forced to carve her own path in the world. She went from being a convenience store cashier, to opening her own video rental business, then to working as a nail technician at a salon. 

I moved to Canada at the age of eight with my mom and younger sister. My aunt taught my sister and I to not rely on our mom, but to do our chores without being told and to clean up after ourselves.

I still remember one incident when I was still in elementary school and my sister and I forgot to bring our food containers to the sink after school, one of my aunt’s biggest pet peeves. We woke up the following morning to find no lunches on the counter. Instead, we had to make do with our own emergency five-minute bagels with cream cheese for lunch. 

My aunt was extremely strict with us but even stricter with herself. Growing up in her hands with my mom always busy at work as a single parent, I adapted her independent mindset. It has been a fundamental part of who I am for as long as I could remember.

There is not a single memory I can recall of seeing my aunt crying. She always bottled up her pain, hardships and struggles and never revealed when she was having a tough time. Everyone thought she was built like an unbreakable soldier.

On Christmas Eve of 2016, my aunt was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer with metastasis. It was a shock to everyone who knew her well. I didn’t understand how a person as fierce and resilient as my aunt could come down with such a vicious disease. 

I only later learned that my aunt had suspected something was wrong with her body for some time, but she was too scared to admit it. By the time we figured it out, her x-ray lit up like a Christmas tree. The cancer had metastasized everywhere and all too much to undergo surgery. 

When I saw her for the first time quietly laying in her hospital bed and heard her heavy, stertorous breathing, she suddenly didn’t seem all that mighty. That Christmas, for the first time, I saw how frail she was, how vulnerable she was, how afraid she was.

For the first time, our family opened up to our deepest, rawest feelings and emotions. For the first time, all of us were willing to admit that we were scared. 

Fast forward five years to today, my aunt is currently receiving palliative care, but to me, she is still the same strong, mighty warrior I saw her as when I was a child. Although I miss many things from before the pandemic, I’m appreciative of the extra time I got to spend with my aunt and family at home. 

I was able to be there for my mom every time she had to take my aunt to the hospital. I also learned more about my aunt — her favourite foods, what she was like when she was my age and friends and people she’s met. 

I used to resent her for not telling us about her pain, which would’ve helped to get her diagnosis earlier, but I realized that as a female Asian immigrant, her stubbornness and resilience were characteristics necessary for her to survive. Most importantly, I got to reflect on old memories and create new, truly special memories together with the precious time we have left. 

We sometimes feel the need to conceal our emotions from our loved ones out of fear of looking weak or to avoid making them worry. However, these days, my family is unafraid to forfeit our emotional barriers and simply be soft, vulnerable people. Especially during times of hardship, grief and uncertainty, there is nothing more powerful than family to give us hope, support and comfort.