I can’t think of a series of words that’s much more ignorant than “global bacon shortage.”

But there it was, all over Tuesday’s news. Britain’s National Pig Association (even our Speculator editors would have a hard time making this stuff up) had announced findings that a decrease in the supply of bacon and other pork products was coming. Prices were going to rise.

Bear with me: I’ve been a vegetarian for about a year and half. I grew up eating meat, and not a week goes by where I don’t yearn for a chicken wing. But I’m invested now, and I’ve put in enough time to work up a little righteous rage over this stuff.

Truth is, we’ve had a global shortage of meat products for years. But producers have made up for it through systemic animal cruelty and serious environmental degradation.

All so we can make bacon weaves when Epic Meal Time comes to campus.

Bacon should be expensive. We should be eating less of it. The fact that supply will no longer be able to meet the demand of our meat-loving culture should not concern us like other problems of the free market do.

Now, who wants to come over for quinoa salad?

 

Jemma Wolfe

Senior ANDY Editor

The night before their Friday, Oct. 21 show at TwelvEighty, Epic Meal Time personality Muscles Glasses tweeted, “Any bitches wanna fuck!? Send pics to MGBaconBurgers@gmail.com. We’re in Hamilton tomorrow night.”

Little did I know, that offensive tweet aptly foreshadowed the show to come, as Friday’s “performance” by Epic Meal Time descended into a chaotic mess of “booze, bacon and bitches” – a trashy trifecta Epic Meal Time worships with zeal.

These Youtube stars, who recently celebrated their one-year anniversary, have risen to internet fame through the creation of “epic” meals – regular meals, i.e. meatloaf, pizza and French toast, made extraordinary through the integration of bacon and fast food for the purpose of making meals as fatty and excessive as possible. Their short videos have garnered over 250 million views combined, and they tout nearly 2 million channel subscribers – the most in Canada. Their Youtube videos are mostly funny, food-centric and entertaining. Their live show, however, was not.

Over an hour late, Epic Meal Time ascended the stage to repeated chants of “bacon strips!” from an exceedingly enthused crowd. The anticipation quickly turned to disappointment, though. “We’re not really performers, we’re just guys hanging out with you,” was a phrase repeated a few too many times over the course of the night, and rather than make the crowd casually comfortable, it actually drew attention to the disorganization and pointlessness of their presence on stage.

Much of the show involved throwing food into the crowd and audience participation, as Epic Meal Time taught people how to make bacon weaves and had them assemble creations made of McDonald’s Big Macs. To choose volunteers, the Sauce Boss personality asked for the audience to “go find the worst face … someone whose face you hate,” and then later asked for the girl with the “smelliest vagina” to come on stage. Once onstage, volunteers were subjected to a barrage of sexual innuendos while they devoured burgers and had Jack Daniel’s poured down their throats.

Crowd participation grotesquely culminated when girls – under audience and performer pressure – made out on stage with each other as maple syrup was poured over their heads.

Then, in a bizarre moment of perverse patriotism, Epic Meal Time Sauce Boss had the crowd sing Canada’s national anthem en masse. The unknown impetus to this segment made it evident that this was obvious filler; the irony of the anthem was undeniable – there was nothing patriotic about their misogyny, insolence and excess.

A post-performance interview solidified their determination to represent themselves as hyper-masculine, egotistical bros.

Apparently, no one has ever thrown up after eating an epic meal because, as the Sauce Boss said, “that would be weak.” They denied eating normally on a daily basis, and said their everyday food is “cheese and burgers and bacon and bitches and booze.” Fans can look forward to a TV show premiering in April, and loose plans for a potential cookbook, they said.

During the show, the Sauce Boss shouted, “I don’t want to go back to fucking teaching!” The Sauce Boss, whose real name is Harley Morenstein, used to be a high school history teacher. He later elaborated, “I quit my job because I wanted to start a kids show. I have the first three episodes written, but Epic Meal Time took off, so…”

But one can only be the fresh face on the scene for so long before the gimmick gets old. Upon the inevitable fizzling out of their precarious careers, I can’t help but wonder how the men of Epic Meal Time will be able to deflate their engorged egos enough to reintegrate themselves into regular society. I imagine they’ll find the transition difficult.

The Sauce Boss, in reference to their bodies, joked, “We’re dying. We’re actually dying.” The same could be said for their respectability, appeal and brand.

Happy birthday, Epic Meal Time, and rest in peace.

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