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Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19):
If you had a dollar for every MSU/faculty event you were invited to on Facebook, you’d have nothing, because you have no friends and you deactivated Facebook.
Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20):
For St. Patrick’s Day, be sure to dress up as a drunk Irish fish. You are more connected to this day of the year than 99% of the people at the party.
Aries (March 21 - April 20):
As Drake sang, “It’s [your] birthday, [you’ll] get high if you want to.” You’ll write the shit out of your paper — that is to say, it will be shit.
Taurus (Apr. 21 - May 21):
Stop telling people you like the rain. Who do you think you are? The Weather Girls? It’s gross and damp and moist.
Gemini (May 22 - Jun. 21):
People asking about your thesis? Be sure to lie and say you’re screwed, because the conversation succumbs to an awkward death if you say you’re prepared.
Cancer (Jun. 22 - Jul. 23):
You were a victim of cuffing season and you’re about to get dropped like it’s hot. Better dig out that copy of Bridget Jones’ Diary.
Leo (July 24 - Aug. 23):
So you think wearing a sweatsuit to your test shows you’re funny and don’t give a crap? You know what they say – dress for the grade you want.
Virgo (Aug. 24 - Sept. 23):
Work work work work work work. You see me doing work work work work work. Something tells me Rihanna would make a great fortune teller.
Libra (Sept. 24 - Oct. 23):
For Battle of the Bands, be sure to bring a pan to the fight — they play it pretty loose with what counts as a percussion instrument.
Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 22):
Turns out you weren’t ready for the consequences of Super Tuesday, but you should have known that eating 20 pieces of KFC on Toonie Tuesday would make you sharf.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23 - Dec. 21):
Got a midterm coming up? Break a leg. Literally. It works even if you used your MSAF earlier this semester.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20):
You’re quite similar to Steph Curry actually, in that you will consistently score threes … out of 12 on your courses.
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Aquarius
(Jan. 21 - Feb. 19):
You are going to watch a cute dog video. You will find it hilarious and your day will be brightened. But this is a lie. You’re still going to fail your exam.
Pisces
(Feb. 20 - Mar. 20):
Don’t eat fish. It’s cannibalism and you’re going to have mad gas and diarrhea in your exam. And then you’ll be on Spotted @ Mac and your asshole friend is going to tag you.
Aries
(March 21 - April 20):
You are blessed with ability to cram this month. Please save all your studying for the 15 minutes before the test for maximum effect.
Taurus
(Apr. 21 - May 21):
Take a shower, not because it’s refreshing, but because you reek of sadness and failure. Also you smell like shit. Please have some consideration for the people around you.
Gemini
(May 22 - Jun. 21):
The gods are shining a warm light on you this month. Feel free to wear shorts and tank tops outside. It’s not cold. Your mind is simply still adjusting.
Cancer
(Jun. 22 - Jul. 23):
Now is definitely the time to pick up a new hobby or skill, like knitting scarves with pictures of cats or how to hack into the school system to set off all the fire alarms.
Leo
(July 24 - Aug. 23):
People will be really empathetic for you this month. You should definitely just try crying on the floor outside your professor’s office.
Virgo
(Aug. 24 - Sept. 23):
Your Netflix account is going to freeze. Maybe try “Study N’ Chill?” Nothing like some hard textbooks to get you sweating.
Libra
(Sept. 24 - Oct. 23):
Mind planet Mercury is in retrograde (or anterograde? I’m not sure) which means you’re going mess up on your test. Guess you’re out of luck.
Scorpio
(Oct. 24 - Nov. 22):
You love telling people that you’re screwed for exams when you’ve made all your notes. Please refrain from telling people this, not only because it makes you a douche, but also because someone’s gonna spit in your food.
Sagittarius
(Nov. 23 - Dec. 21):
You actually still reading these? Christ, stop procrastinating. Get your shit together.
Capricorn
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 20):
Your computer’s going to break randomly and all your notes will be lost. Don’t bother trying to back your files up; your usb is also going to combust.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
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Rob Hardy
Silhouette Staff
If you are reading this newspaper, you might be like many people who are in the habit of following your horoscope regularly in daily publications and online, and swear by this ritual along with your morning coffee. It might not be pleasant to hear that many of the people who smirk at this pastime actually have some logic on their side, though not for all the reasons they think.
The word ‘horoscope’ is actually derived roughly from a term that meant ‘the hour of our birth.’ So to be curious as to one’s horoscope is to wonder what the cycles of the planets have in store for you based on the exact date and time, as well as place, you were born. Since this is very specific, the faith in newspaper astrology is usually misplaced.
The idea of people being born with a specific sign actually relates to our sun sign – the position of the sun at the time of our birth. We do, however, also have a moon sign, as well as a placement for all the other planets. This means that even though we share some common characteristics with people born around the same time of year, the other differences in our birth chart make us all ultimately unique. That is why some twins can be so alike, and others can still be quite different.
Sun sign astrology became popular in newspapers during the early part of the 20th century, though as you might suspect, even when professionals wrote these columns, focusing on only one part of your life without the whole picture will usually glean almost nothing of value. It is also the way of astrological symbols that the meaning for one sign will at times manifest in quite an opposite way between two people.
If you compare your sign to that of your family and significant others, you probably recognize a shallowness to this analysis based on sun sign alone.
Your first Scorpio boyfriend may have been much more intense than your second – perhaps his moon sign was also in Scorpio. That Gemini girl you’ve been talking to may prove to be less maintenance in the future if she has some other planets in Taurus to bring her back down to earth.
Though this may sound like magic or make-believe, astrology has somehow survived through the ages for thousands of years. It is both a science and an art. First, one must be able to calculate geometrical aspects between planets, and then use intuition to interpret what this means for the person, thing or event in question.
The good news is that if you are still interested in your horoscope after this, you may find it rewarding to read more about it online or at the library, and leave the newspaper horoscopes to those who are content with some light amusement.
