Life isn’t black and white, so our relationship status shouldn't be either

By Ardena Bašić, SATSC Contributor

We often define our relationship status in terms of a binary: we are either with another person or not. In other words, we can only ever be "taken" or "single".  

Like most things in our lives, it cannot be that simple. An intuitive and modern example would be "situationships," where there is no clear line between being single or taken. Yet, I argue that we need to expand beyond this simplified approach. Instead of determining our status based on our ties to others, we should look at it as a focus on our internal or external environment.  

In any relationship, there needs to be time to learn about the other person, their different signals and gestures, those little nuances that help you really understand a person. Consequently, when in a relationship, our minds become so focused on analyzing our external environment that we forget to look at our internal relationship with ourselves. As such, many psychologists argue that — while we are busy dating others — we often forget to date ourselves.  

As a result, many individuals perceive being single as a time to work on themselves as our focus shifts to something different from the labels of “taken” or “single”. This is a time to look at things like further education, going to the gym more and pursuing hobbies with or without others around. When there isn’t a major distraction — in this case a major relationship to work on — there is more time for these pursuits and the associated self-discovery.  

In days of agile relationships based on instant gratification, not defining oneself as single or taken stands out as an outlier — especially in the younger generation when it is the "norm" to define oneself with these labels. However, this new perspective of clear markers puts a more positive spin on working on your relationship with yourself in lieu of seeing oneself as lesser or incomplete without a significant other. After all, if relationships are to add to our overall spirit and not just fill a missing piece, we need to know ourselves enough to find the best energy to complement our own.  

So, in conversation, one can say their focus leans more towards external or internal relationships to replace the terms “taken” or “single”. This idea takes away the daunting label that is associated with being alone and instead posits it in a way that focuses on growth and development: the epitome of supporting oneself.  

It should be noted that this is not another binary, but instead a continuum with no real "zero" value. Even in strong relationships, we must care for ourselves and equally, when considering our own self-reflection, we must consider our most important relationships. Similarly, we also have to consider our most important relationships when considering our own self-reflection. Life isn’t black and white, so our relationship status should not be either.  

Overall, we should refuse to position ourselves in binaries simply for the sake of societal expectations. This idea applies in every area of life, but especially when it is connected to our own self-worth and development. As we move forward and our priorities change, we can name our relationship status a movement along a continuum instead of a jump between left and right.