How outright and subliminal misogyny in mainstream “self-help” media is taking the fun out of casual dating
By Cassie Wong-Wylie, Contributor
Navigating sexual shame as a girl, teen and, now, a young woman is something that is a very much shared and lived experience for the gross majority of women. Personally, I remember feeling a lot of shame about my sexuality from other women. It was easy to feel less judgment from men who were drawn to sexual prowess.
Fast forward to today, when I now feel relatively secure in my embodied sexuality and work hard to omit shame from my sex life, I find fellowship and power when talking about sexuality with other women. This shift, however, has also come with newfound obstacles. I began to encounter men who view sex as a physical actualization of sexist societal values and their sexual pursuits sought to secure their place as the apex, “alpha”, sex.
I cannot tell if it was my aging that revealed these sorts of men or the landscape around me that caused them to emerge. A landscape that is directly regressive to gender equality and emphatically contributes to homophobia, transphobia, female subjugation and by extension, sexual subjugation. This is namely, the chokehold that right-winged, misogynistic, “personal-growth gurus” like Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson seem to have on boys and young men via social media platforms.
Dating, sex, relationships and general social interactions have changed since the fanaticism, or even just subliminal influence, of the macho-hustle mentality and with it, a new wave of outright misogyny. I can say confidently I have met the men I once thought only existed as hyperbolized wisecracks and parodies of pathetically insecure men my friends and I would joke about. After having met these caricatures, I believe the sensationalized Tate brothers, Jordan Peterson and other men who nonchalantly front self-help through avenues of female subjugation have ruined dating.
Dating, sex, relationships and general social interactions have changed since the fanaticism, or even just subliminal influence, of the macho-hustle mentality and with it, a new wave of outright misogyny.
This isn’t to say all men have been corrupted by this influence. However, with how influential this mentality has become, I see myself on a night out or a first date dreading that a guy might secretly revere a “boom in her face, grab her neck, shut her up” pseudo-mantra, just to quote one instance where Tate quite literally encourages sexual violence.
It's crazy to be talking to a man and suddenly, with just the slightest reference or name drop to the Tates, you realize he probably thinks you shouldn’t even be speaking when not spoken to. Additionally, having to psychoanalyze everything in a conversation and constantly trying to read between the lines has impeded playful banter. I also admit to the very embarrassing example of when a man says, “I love Jordan Peterson” and I agree, thinking we are being flirtatiously sarcastic, only to realize he is being totally serious when he asks me what the word ‘misogyny’ means.
Even beyond the sphere of conversation in dating, sex and sexual shame has also been impacted by masculinist gurus. The age-old conversation of how the porn industry normalizes and fetishizes aspects of sexual violence and female subjugation for the male gaze has now been superseded by Tate’s direct normalization and advocation for female sexual degradation and abuse.
The age-old conversation of how the porn industry normalizes and fetishizes aspects of sexual violence and female subjugation for the male gaze has now been superseded by Tate’s direct normalization and advocation for female sexual degradation and abuse.
Even men who do not ascribe to these channels and condemn the figureheads are not immune to the subliminal domination sex “commands”. Though it may not swing to the extremes, just ask the people in your life their thoughts about choking or a hand on her throat during foreplay and I bet you would be shocked by the number of people who say it’s so normal that it’s almost obligatory. Now, while that might not be directly oppressive, it still contributes to a culture focusing on male domination in the bedroom.
Although male domination during sex may simply be just a social symptom of millennia of patriarchy, celebrities who are deified based on upholding repressive values will have further impacts. Who's to say what the next version of the playful choke is? With pop culture becoming radicalized, I wouldn’t doubt overt, sexual and non-consensual male domination to follow suit, particularly as the young generations of TikTok kids become sexually active.
This isn’t to say that dating, men or sex need to be sworn off. Although the dating field has changed and new litmus tests for partners are required, I try not to allow advances from men who gain security in their lives by denigrating women’s autonomy as the oppressive force it aims to be. Instead, I hope to find renewed communion with women and establish strongholds of support as we are forced to fortify our status as equally alpha. Ultimately, I hope we all find refuge from sexual shame in each other, and not in a hollow, Tate-esc cult of personality.
Despite criticisms that feminism helps women alone, it also aids men in dismantling toxic masculinity
With feminism gaining popularity over the years, harsh criticism of the movement was inevitable. A rather prevalent objection that critics often brought up against this global campaign was how it only aimed to help women and had an agenda to strip away men from their masculinity. Those familiar with the tenets of feminism know this statement cannot be farther away from the truth.
However, many still believe that feminism's objective is to "whine" about patriarchy and how it hurts women. This misinterpretation causes individuals to fail to recognize how patriarchy oppresses everyone, regardless of their gender.
It is rather evident how the systemic injection of elements of patriarchy in modern society has hurt women — the overused narrative that men are the dominant gender and women are less worthy. This deeply rooted and internalized belief has obviously restricted many women throughout history and continues to do so.
However, many miss how patriarchy has directly hurt men in the past and continues to do so. Time and time again, the tenets of patriarchy have had a directly negative impact on men — a huge problem being toxic masculinity.
However, many miss how patriarchy has directly hurt men in the past and continues to do so. Time and time again, the tenets of patriarchy have had a directly negative impact on men — a huge problem being toxic masculinity.
KIMIA TAHAEI, OPINIONS STAFF WRITER
Toxic masculinity can be defined as men conforming to traditional male gender roles, resulting in men basing their emotions on the untold yet intensely followed rules that patriarchy has dictated.
An easy example would be how it is often unacceptable for men to show sadness as it will be directly associated with weakness. This incorrect linkage can often encourage men to express their frustration through the route of anger instead of sadness from a young age.
This is interesting as studies have proved that anger is a secondary emotion which means that there is often an underlying primary feeling such as fear, sadness or jealousy that is masked by anger. Although I can't comprehend why sadness is such an unacceptable emotion for men, some so-called "alpha males" clarify and argue that since men are leaders, they should be able to endure the pain instead of displaying it.
Jackson Karza, author of The Macho Paradox, sheds light on this mindset and elaborates on how numerous men channel their vulnerability through feelings of anger. This anger is a mask to cover their vulnerability, possibly implying they are not man enough to take the pressure.
In such instances, feminism comes into play and defends men's rights who want to proudly exhibit their diverse range of emotions without being judged. Again, unlike how many men view feminism, the movement is supportive of equal rights between men and women in all categories — including showing emotions.
In such instances, feminism comes into play and defends men's rights who want to proudly exhibit their diverse range of emotions without being judged. Again, unlike how many men view feminism, the movement is supportive of equal rights between men and women in all categories — including showing emotions.
KIMIA TAHAEI, OPINIONS STAFF WRITER
Feminists strive to dismantle the principles of patriarchy by constantly challenging ridiculous social norms such as men not having the ability to show their vulnerability comfortably. Feminism stands for a just world where with the elimination of patriarchy, men and women can be equals in every sense.
