C/O Travis Nguyen
Learning to love myself through research and reflection
By: Anna Samson, Contributor
During my first year at McMaster University, I came out as non-binary to my close friends and sister. As I grew more comfortable, I began to tell more people. Now, aside from some conservative family members, most people in my life know I’m non-binary. However, it took a long time to embrace myself as non-binary in a world that thinks in binaries and cisnormativity.
I remember talking to my older sister about how I did not feel like a girl or boy and worried there was something wrong with me. I asked her if she ever felt this way. I thought it was a normal part of growing up and something everyone experiences at some point. She asked me if I was transgender. Not knowing much about the gender spectrum and growing up in a conservative Christian household, I believed the negative things I had heard about transgender people and the 2SLGBTQIA+ community and immediately replied I was not, quickly changing the topic. But that moment stuck with me. It was one of the first times I acknowledged I do not fit into the gender binary and it was jarring. For many years after, I tried to ignore these feelings.
In first year, I took an introductory gender studies course in which I learned about inequality, intersectionality, 2SLGBTQIA+ identities and more. This course finally gave me names for many of the things I had been experiencing and thinking about my whole life. I learnt about the gender spectrum, which especially piqued my interest because learning about a gender spectrum as a concept told me that others questioned their gender identity like I did. I did some more research and learnt about transgender identities, under which non-binary falls.
I learned there are many gender identities outside the male-female binary. Non-binary is a broad spectrum covering all gender identities that are neither solely male nor female and exist outside the gender binary. While I felt this applied to me, I also felt it was not specific enough. When I first “came out” I identified as agender, meaning I have no gender and used any pronouns. But that did not feel right either. So, I started identifying as genderflux, meaning my gender identity fluctuates, with the base being agender, and used “she/they” pronouns. This identity felt right for me, but I noticed no one ever used “they” pronouns for me, which was frustrating because it felt like the erasure of my gender identity. So, finally, for brevity’s sake, I have now been identifying as non-binary for years, using “they/she” pronouns. And it feels right.
But my journey to self-acceptance in terms of my gender identity did not stop there. I also had to figure out what sort of gender expression felt most comfortable to me. Being AFAB, my gender expression has been mostly feminine but it felt wrong. Within feminine clothing, I preferred baggy clothing, though my family often scolded me, telling me to wear more form-fitting clothes. I liked wearing sports bras and bralettes that were like chest binders and wearing boy short panties or boxers made me feel more comfortable.
I also never got much into makeup other than wearing lipstick, because it felt very gendered and I felt using it meant I accepted being AFAB. While I know clothes and makeup are not inherently gendered, they do hold gendered connotations in society which make it difficult to embrace one’s unique identity. Ultimately, I have opted for unisex or less form-fitting clothing, as they make me feel more like myself.
While I have come a long way in learning to love myself by embracing my non-binary identity, there is still a lot of work for me to do. I still need to find a hairstyle I feel comfortable with. I also need to accept menstruating is a bodily function outside of the gender binary. There are several other things as well.
Along with accepting and embracing myself, I also must forgive myself and others for getting it wrong sometimes. This is my lifelong journey of embracing myself and my non-binary identity.
By Ouss Badran, Contributor
cw: mentions of homophobia, transphobia, ableism
A concerning trend that I’ve noticed — especially in more socially aware places such as university — is people adopting the label of “ally” and not actually doing anything about being one. In other words, they’re reaping the positive status of the word without actively being an ally.
What do I mean by this? There seems to be a misunderstanding when it comes to what being an ally actually entails. I can tell you that it isn’t like an article of clothing you can put on or take off at your convenience. Those who are actually marginalized can’t shed their identity at a moment’s notice, so neither should you.
So what actually is an ally? Well, for one, allies are people who are not part of the marginalized group for which they are advocating for. You don’t have to necessarily know what it feels like to be oppressed or experience the difficulties that marginalized groups go through. All being an ally means is that you are taking on and understanding their struggle with them.
If you’re new to the concept of allyship, being an advocate is a great start! This means, for example, not just claiming the title of ally because you watch RuPaul’s Drag Race, but actually fighting for better LGBTQ+ representation in the media.
Additionally, this also includes defending said marginalized groups when they’re not in the room, and especially when they are. What do I mean by this? On a more subtle scale, calling out bigoted comments such as “that’s so gay” or the use of the r-word publicly challenges the status quo and reinforces that these sorts of comments are not okay in any shape or form.
On the more extreme end, if you see a marginalized person disparaged in public or even private spaces, it’s your responsibility as an ally to stand up for them. Yes, that includes your racist grandparents and it also includes your parents who “just don’t understand all that transgender nonsense”.
While I don’t want to get too much into the intricacies of intersectionality (as it deserves its own article), I do want to touch on privilege. Most of us have it in some way, shape or form. Nowadays, the very word sets people on edge, and some people may even get defensive. Don’t worry straight, white dudes, I’m not going to attack you. For the sake of this article, privilege is an aspect of society or reality that you don’t have to worry about, but something that another marginalized group does.
For example, I’m speaking mainly from my experiences as a gay, able-bodied and cisgender man of colour. I face certain issues that are relevant to me and other people of my background, but I also lack knowledge and perspective on what it’s like to be a woman, a person under the trans umbrella or someone who has a physical disability. Being aware of your own privilege as an ally can potentially help you understand the struggles of the groups you’re advocating for.
Also, I mean this with all due respect, but if you are an ally, it isn’t about you. Bragging about how you support the Black Lives Matter movement, or about how you “only volunteer at camps for kids with special needs” makes you come off in a not-so-positive light. Specifically, it makes you look like you’re using these groups for your own social gain. Rein in the saviour complex and instead have some respect for those around you who fight for social justice out of a need to survive, not because it looks good on a resume.
So, if I’ve successfully convinced you to change your ways, there’s just one more thing for me to address with you. It’s that making mistakes is completely okay. Everyone has to learn somehow! Acknowledge it, accept responsibility, learn from it and move on equipped with the knowledge you have now.
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How to learn and respect other people’s pronouns
Alright, so your friend asked you to call them “they/them” and you don’t know what in the heck they mean by that. Well, look no further — here’s a handy how-to guide on respecting other people’s identities. This article is based on the assumption that you want to learn how to get better at using pronouns. It is not intended to convince you that you should respect who people are — that’s just common decency.
So let’s jump in. How do you know what to call someone? One of the best ways is to offer your own pronouns first. You could include them in your email signature, or say them when you introduce yourself to someone.
This lets people know that you’re more likely to be accepting of their own identity. People aren’t obligated to tell you their pronouns, but sharing yours can help others feel more comfortable around you.
In English, the most common gender-neutral pronoun is “they”. Singular “they” has been used for hundreds of years to talk about people whose gender we do not know. When you check your Dominos order, it will tell you that the delivery person is on “their” way. However, “they” is not the only alternative to she and he.
Some people prefer to use neopronouns — pronouns specifically designed to convey a specific gender experience in a way that traditional pronouns cannot. Some examples include: xe/xem/xyr, ze/hir/hirs, ey/em/eir and fae/faer/faers. These pronouns are also frequently used in languages where there is not a neutral pronoun like “they”. If someone tells you that they use one of these sets of pronouns and you’re not sure how to pronounce it, just ask!
No one’s experience and identification is universal. It’s vital to pay attention and respect how people want to be understood. Gender is a unique experience and it can vary on a person-to-person basis.
Let’s walk through an example. Someone that you know comes out as gender fluid and asks you to use she/they pronouns. They tell you that they are comfortable being called “she” and being called “they”. That’s great! You should alternate between the two: “I was talking to my friend the other day, she said she’s doing well. They’re on their way to school right now.”
There will be points where you think to yourself: “I’m doing my best, but I keep making mistakes!” That’s okay. Like with anything, it takes practice to get it right. When you make a mistake, you can take a moment to repeat to yourself the person’s name and the pronouns that they use. You could hang out with a mutual friend and practice together.
If you use the wrong pronouns, that’s okay too. You don’t need to feel defensive or make a big deal out of it. Just notice the error, correct yourself and move on with the conversation. If you trip over yourself apologizing, the other person could feel guilty and won’t feel comfortable correcting you in future.
It’s also important to be flexible. Identities are not set in stone. Your friend might ask you to use only she/her pronouns, or they/them instead. They might switch the label they use for their identity. The better you get at using the right pronouns, the easier it will be for you to switch. With that being said, different identities are not a phase and it is vital that you remember that.
Like any new skill, there’s a learning curve to using the right pronouns. For most people, it’s not something they’re used to. But the more you practice, the easier it gets.