Chantal Cino

The Silhouette

Remember back to elementary school when you so desperately wanted to bring that peanut butter sandwich for lunch or your pet cat for show-and-tell, but never could on account of the fatal allergies of that kid?

Back then it probably wasn’t that big a deal; you could devour the sandwich or play with Mr. Mitts when you got home. But what if things were a little different, what if that kid suddenly became the person that you were dating?

In 2008, the Surveying Canadians to Assess the Prevalence of Common Food Allergies and Attitudes towards Food Labelling and Risk (SCAAALAR) study investigated the prevalence of allergies to foods commonly associated with severe anaphylactic reaction, including peanuts.

Allergies were found to be present in approximately 3.2 per cent of the population.

So what do you do if your partner is part of that 3.2 per cent? Paying more attention to what you eat may be more complex than it seems.

The problem becomes significantly greater for people who will not only be giving up preferred foods, but possibly those needed for their proper nutrition.

Consider vegetarians, who might turn to peanut butter as a source of. It’s inexpensive and versatile, making it an excellent replacement choice.

But the choice between giving up a protein source and giving up your significant other might spark the creativity needed to arrange a diet safe for both individuals, complete with alternative protein sources, such as beans, tofu and protein supplements.

Food sensitivities are not the only ones that can complicate relationships. Another problematic set of allergies are those associated with pets.

Most people are not hard pressed to think of at least one friend or relative who is allergic to cats, dogs or any other furry friend. These are generally not fatal, just can be just as problematic to compromise on.

There are two distinct scenarios when it comes to pets. One is the situation when one partner lives at home or with roommates in which the pet is not actually theirs.

While this may limit the amount of time you get to see each other, the pet likely won’t be accompanying the two of you if you decide to move in together.

However, the situation becomes more complex if the person lives on their own with a pet, for the decision to get rid of an animal that you are already attached to can be much more difficult than deciding not to acquire one once settled in.

The question becomes whether or not it is necessary to get rid of a dear pet for the sake of a new, potentially lifelong partner if their presence is not life threatening.

For the pet lover, having an animal has probably always been a part of their life, but for those on the other side of the equation, the prospect of a pet dictates a future of discomfort.

Like so many other obstacles faced in relationships, it seems that a compromise is required. One popular alternative is to get a hypoallergenic breed.

It may take a little trial and error to find a suitable fit, but the discovery of a pet that does not trigger an allergic reaction may be the solution that makes both partners happy.

Another solution may be to have an outdoor pet, which would make it significantly easier to avoid allergy-inducing contact with the animal.

The complications that arise in relationships due to allergies can be problematic, but as with anything, working around them can strengthen a couple’s bond.

While having a partner choose a food or pet over your needs may bring you to the heartbreaking realisation that they are not right for you, finding someone who is willing to make tough decisions for your health and happiness is pretty special.

Cassandra Jeffery 

Assistant InsideOut Editor

 

University is the time period in which individuality is fostered. We make our way through the hallways of life discovering an infinite self-depth as we cultivate our fundamental values, dreams, goals, and ambitions. The burden of responsibility has caused us both countless sleep-less nights and a strong sense of independence. We are educated, privileged individuals with the world at our fingertips yet it seems that no amount of education has prepared us for the bitter sweet challenges of love, relationships, and compromise.

Relationships have the potential to be exciting and self-benefiting, however on the contrary, relationships (when you’re finally out of the honey-moon phase) can be challenging, difficult, and potentially heartbreaking. We allow ourselves to love fully aware that one day, love could turn its back on us. Optimistic as we are, the search continues for the right candidate. The perfect lover that will understand, accept, and enhance our unique characteristics.

However, finding the perfect love does not come without compromise. True relationships require compromise, but should we compromise the individuals we’ve become in order to salvage a relationship?

Commitment to a relationship produces an overwhelming sense of vulnerability. The compulsion to divulge your most embarrassing character traits and flaws seems an innate quality of being human.  Whether both characters mesh perfectly in sync depends on the overall affect the relationship has on both parties.

“A healthy relationship should affirm who each partner is and allow each person to meet his or her needs together with the other,” says Mark D. White, author for the journal, Psychology Today. 

In contrast, if one individual begins to compromise too much, the relationship can encourage resentment and hostility rather than love and affection. For example, asking your partner to compromise a fundamental value such as religion or education can severely damage the prospects of a healthy, communicative relationship. On the other hand, we are forced to compromise throughout life in general, which means remembering to tidy up after yourself is a rather mundane compromise.

When in a relationship, one must always remember to differentiate from the good versus the bad compromises. A relationship is the unification of two people, however it is crucial that each person maintains their individuality. At our young, impressionable age we are easily influenced by our partners, often re-arranging our thoughts to match those of our lovers. This becomes a dangerous, gray area in a relationship because most often, individuals feel they are sacrificing what they believe or what they are passionate about in order to enrich their relationship.

Hypothetically, you have the opportunity to travel abroad or you’ve been accepted into a Master’s program on the other side of the country. Would you compromise your education or dreams for another individual? Is there a certain point in a relationship when it becomes okay to compromise aspects of your individuality in order to benefit your partner?

Essentially, the type of person determines the capacity of compromise one is willing to put forth. For some, traveling is a dream you could never compromise, despite the amount of love you may feel for your partner. True to our unique qualities as humans, we all have diverse opinions on what exactly constitutes a good relationship and level of compromise.

“The right relationship does not force demanding compromises,” says Natalie Pozniak, a third-year Communication Studies and Multimedia student.

On the other hand, Master’s Student Simon Erker suggests, “in a good relationship, compromise is always possible.”

The realm of compromise in a relationship is a tricky subject because one can argue that giving up the love of your life for a job is a significant compromise. The saying, ‘you want what you can’t have’ certainly applies in such situations. Battling with the infamous ‘pro versus con’ list is sometimes a catch-22; you want both the relationship and the dream but unfortunately, love doesn’t always conquer all.

What remains most important here is the idea that you find something to love outside of a relationship. Fixating yourself solely on a person will force you to lose sight on what makes you authentic. Despite what Hollywood portrays, relationships are difficult and they demand effort and compromise. The challenging part is not in deciding on what defines a bad compromise versus a good compromise, rather the challenge becomes prevalent when attempting to figure out what is most important to you as an individual. Thus, complicating our lives further we have the good, the bad, and the compromise.

 

Katherine George 

The Silhouette

Seven per cent of women reported suffering through a current or previous abusive spousal relationship between 1999 and 2004, according to Statistics Canada. The highest rates of abuse were found in young women aged 15 to 24, specifically those in relationships of three years or less.

Dating violence among Canadian university and community college undergraduate students is far too common. In 1993, Violence Against Women Survey (VAWS) stated that students in college and university are more likely to be involved in a coercive relationship.

Though women are more likely to report abuse than men, the 1990 General Social Survey organized by Statistics Canada also pointed out that the portion of violence against men in spousal relationships is almost equal. Despite the equality in numbers, the severity of violence against women tends to be higher than violence against men.

Abuse in relationships are not necessarily limited to physical abuse; they can also come in emotional and psychological forms. Most forms of abuse are difficult to detect. These types of abuse don’t take any physical form, but still have effects as painful as a physical wound. Emotional and psychological abuse festers within an individual and can cause long-term harmful effects.

In a more recent survey, Statistics Canada claims that almost 23,000 incidents of dating violence were reported to police in 2008. Of all violent crimes, dating violence represented seven per cent in 2008, and 28 per cent of all intimate partner violence.

It is easy for an individual from an outside perspective to ask someone in an abusive relationship, why would you stay in it? It is a little more complicated than just walking away.

Fourth-year McMaster commerce student Samantha Cowie  believes that “even in relationships that might not be abusive, women tend to deny situations that are occurring by making up excuses for their boyfriend or partner and stay in the relationship in hopes of changing that individual.” No matter how severe or how long-term, the victim is often under the impression that the abusive partner cares for them despite their violent behaviour. Or, the victim might be afraid to leave in fear of what might happen to them if they do.

Additionally, the abuse may have been occurring for such a long period of time that it begins to seem normal.

Every relationship is unique, but victims of abuse generally find it more difficult to exercise their own free will when making decisions. To help victims, whether male or female, it is important for communities to offer somewhere safe and secure for victims to go.

In Hamilton, there is an annual event organized by the Sexual Assault Centre (SACHA) called Take Back the Night. It occurs every September and allows women and children in the area to gather together and stand up against violence.

Events such as Take Back the Night provide women, and even men, in any kind of detrimental relationship the support to improve their life through building new and healthy relationships.

Neepa Parikh
SHEC Media

 

So you think you’re in a perfect relationship. You’re clearly in love with your new partner and you are both really close. But how do you know if you’re relationship is a healthy one? Fear not,  I have some answers for you.

First, let’s define a healthy relationship. It’s one that has trust, honesty, mutual respect, support, fairness and equality. It’s one in which both partners have separate identities, and in which there is open communication. In contrast, an unhealthy relationship is one in which a partner is mean, disrespectful, controlling or even abusive.

Unhealthy relationships can manifest themselves as dating violence. Violence usually begins with verbal and emotional abuse, which can be difficult to identify at times, and can progress to physical and sexual abuse. Some questions to ask yourself are, does your partner try to control you? Does your partner make you feel bad about yourself? Does your partner attempt to keep you from seeing your friends or from talking to other people? Does he or she criticize the way you look or dress? Do they ever raise a hand as if to hit you during an argument? Do they force you to perform sexual acts?

Dating abuse is more common than you think. Often, people who are experiencing abuse don’t talk about it. The silent victims may come from a violent home and thus do not see the violence as abnormal. They might feel that the abuse won’t happen again. They might even feel embarrassed or be afraid to tell anyone.

It can be really confusing. The qualities that might make a person abusive might even be qualities that you admire at first. It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness or anger as an expression of love. Sometimes you might even think that you’ve done or said something wrong and that it is your fault. Try to remember that this isn’t the case. Nobody deserves to be abused verbally, emotionally, sexually or physically. Abuse is always the abuser’s fault.

The longer you stay in an unhealthy relationship, the more damage it will do to your self-esteem. Ending an unhealthy relationship always beings with admitting to yourself that there is a problem. Once you’ve overcome that hurdle, talk to someone about how you can end the relationship. If you’re not sure if you’re in an abusive relationship, try talking to a friend or family member. Someone on the outside might be able to see the signs of abuse more clearly.

Not sure exactly who to talk to about your relationship? There are plenty of resources in at McMaster and in Hamilton to help you overcome abuse. Both SHEC peer volunteers (MUSC 202, ext. 22041) and the Campus Health Centre (MUSC B101, ext. 27700) offer counselling services. If you know that you are being physically or sexually abused, you can also visit the Sexual Assault/Domestic Violence Care Centre located in the McMaster University Medical Centre (905-521-2100 ext. 73557), which can provide free and confidential counselling and, if necessary, medical care.

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I’ve been riding solo for most of my dating life. It might be because when I invite someone over to watch Netflix, I actually really want to watch the movie. Or it could be my insistence on being the little spoon (read: men everywhere, it’s more comfortable. Trust me). But it most likely has to do with my inability to articulate, “I like you” in a scenario that doesn’t end with one party fleeing the scene.

The first two reasons is the kind of reflexive defense I mount when my aunt casually drops the “Why are you single?” bomb at a family dinner. Sometimes it’s subtler (“I feel bad for you. Everyone else is seeing someone!”), but the result is always a tone of pity, followed by a half-hearted attempt at “Well being single is better anyway!”

It’s increasingly common to respond to questions about being single with answers that imply a playful and knowing sense of not giving a damn. These jokes are rooted in the belief that being alone is better as it frees us from the constraints of proper behaviour. In a twisted turn, the single life is glamourized and held up as the gold standard for unadulterated fun.

A younger and envious version of myself would rant about why you shouldn’t probe into people’s love lives in the first place, especially those who are obviously unattached. However, that response is rooted in my insecurities, and dating is such a huge part in the lives of twenty-year-olds, that it’d be silly to expect that I won’t have to talk about it. Besides, what else is my aunt going to ask me? What I’m planning on doing after graduation? (I changed my mind, I will tell her everything about my love life).

No, what I’m here to rant about is actually the “Well being single is better anyway!” part of the conversation. The number of times I’ve read “7 ways to enjoy the single life” (or its variations: “8 reasons why you don’t need a man”, “6 tips on taking advantage of having no significant other”) is staggering. Unfortunately, the insecure part of myself insists on clicking on these “articles” (and I use that word as loosely as one would associate “actor” with Charlie Sheen), which always leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

“You learn more about yourself when you’re single!” “You don’t have to share your food!” Wow, what wonderful insights! Now let me redirect you to “5 best things about dating,” including “You learn so much about yourself,” and “You have someone to share your food with!”

These articles exist to prop up the image of the fun seeking IDGAF bachelor(ette). They are ineffective because trying to value one relationship status over another is neither here nor there.

There’s inherent value in being unattached. There’s also inherent value in relationships. And you don’t need a listicle on Upworthy to tell you that.

And when we spend time forcefully idealizing this single life, please keep in mind that it is objectively not good for your health if you spend consecutive days lying on your bed watching Netflix and eating a tub of ice cream. By laughing with these stereotypical portrayals of what single people do, we’re encouraging this kind of behavior. If you’re going to indulge in these pleasures, as I do, at least be self-aware. I know my future 300-pound self is going to look back on my binge-eating single nights and say, “What the hell is wrong with you, you pig faced dweeb?”

The problem isn’t that you’re single. It’s that you are insecure about being single. A few years ago, I wrote an article about celebrating Valentine’s Day as a single pringle. I talked about the importance of showing your love for your family and friends. At the time, I was too self-involved to realize, “Hey, maybe not every day has to be applicable to me.” Of all 365 days of the year, is Valentine’s Day the day I must insist on commemorating camaraderie and companionship? Because you know what? There’s a day to celebrate your mother, father, and siblings. There’s also a day to celebrate your friends (Friendship Day is on August 7th).

If you’re single, don’t be ashamed of it. You don’t need to make self-deprecating jokes about not having somebody. There’s nothing wrong or funny about being a lone cat lady if that’s who you want to be. Besides, you’d be drowning in pussy.

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