By: Katie Golobic
In the dusk of the summer months, the impending school year unfalteringly coincides with a serious dose of reality and sobriety. For many, however, it also means eight long, difficult months away from their romantic partner. Summer flings have ended, and university is often considered a time to ignite new or old flames of amour amongst fellow students. The adventure of a fresh new relationship is one that many are drawn to. Nonetheless, some decide to brave the task of maintaining a previously established relationship with said summer love, or even a high school sweetheart. The romanticism of long distance relations is one that is easy to fall victim to; it works in the movies, right?
The truth of the matter is (as with all things worth doing) long distance relationships are no walk in the park. They are a marathon of sorts - a long, often mentally straining and emotionally dehydrating marathon - but the payout can be immense.
Though not for the faint of heart, there are many ways to maintain a happy, healthy and long-lasting long-distance relationship. Whether your beau goes to U of T or Harvard, here are some simple, practical ways to keep it together whilst being apart.
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By: Barbara Anang
Some girls dream of financial independence, others dream of academic pursuits. And some girls, like me, dream of falling into the arms of a wealthy gentleman and having their every whim come true. This dream of a wealthy gentleman can be a reality for many college students, male or female, but venturing into the world of sugaring (sugar babies and sugar daddies) raises questions of morality. Are you an escort? A companion? Have you sold your soul for a little or a lot of financial relief? What constitutes a sugar baby and sugar daddy relationship, and what do you do when sugar turns to salt? The sugar culture is one that has reached Hamilton, but with a tangier taste than most of its participants desire.
Map of the candy factory
A sugar daddy refers to a wealthy men who can afford to pay the price for an attractive companion or “arm candy.” These “daddies” treat their ladies to the finest that life can offer. They make promises to spoil them in exchange for just a few days of their time each month. Other daddies promise trips with all expenses paid, claiming all that they want is someone to spend time with them while they’re away from home. These are sugar-babies who do not sleep with their sugar daddies. Daddies in these situations say that intimacy isn’t expected, but of course is desired — that’s how a mutually beneficial relationship works, right? Having a sugar relationship isn’t for everyone, but if you know what you’re looking for and can come to an agreement, the relationship can be one that is actually positive for both parties.
When you look at websites geared to sugar babies, daddies and mamas, many local profiles state they do not want a stripper or a professional (to put it bluntly, no prostitution or solicitation is allowed). But the reality in the Steel City is that many of these men are actually salt daddies. They present themselves on websites as having wealth, they claim they are willing to negotiate an allowance and help with bills and expenses, but what they’re really looking for is an affair or paid sex with the “girl next door.”
Now that’s not to say that there aren’t sugar babies who are still able to reap the rewards of having a benefactor. With many salt daddies slipping through the cracks, it takes a keen eye to find the right situation that works for you.
Dear Old Salt Daddy
My personal experience as a wannabe sugar baby, was unfortunately more sour than sweet. Not only was it not financially rewarding, it caused me to question my worth in the eyes of men, the poor and rich alike. I don’t have the “western standard of beauty” and that wasn’t a problem when it came to attracting a “potential.” The issue for me was the fetishization of my identity. I shared my thoughts with an acquaintance and they said, “What did you expect?” The reality is men objectify you, and that’s why you’re there. I suppose I just expected that rich men would want to take me out to charity events, the theatre and classy places I can’t normally afford. I forgot that I have the aesthetic that raises eyebrows when I walk into a room with a middle-aged wealthy man. Since the men in the Steel City are actually salt daddies, they’re looking for someone who won’t draw too much attention and cause whispers and raised eyebrows. Salt daddies aren’t really looking to spoil you; they want to pay you a stipend for your use. They might want to dominate you or they might want to be dominated. Either way, the slick ones will make you forget that you hold the power. You’re the one who can choose to back out.
Getting into the sugar game
After experiencing the pitfalls of getting into a situation that was candy-coated, I have some pointers on how to make sure you’re getting the relationship you want. A great option for wannabe sugars babies is to freestyle. What this means is you rely on “chance” to meet a potential by frequenting places where wealthy men go. Upscale bars, charity galas and sporting events are great examples of where you may find your potential. How do you make a connection like that? Older gentlemen don’t often expect the attention of younger women so once they find out they’ve caught your eye, if they’re interested, they’ll approach you and buy you a drink. Sometimes you’ll have to make the first move. If this is the case, the most effective thing to do is to hand him your business card with a legitimate or made-up occupation and he’ll call if interested. After that, it’s up to you to set the terms of your arrangement.
If being a sugar baby is considered working in the sex industry (and to some there’s no doubt that it is), some could argue that it is empowering — women dictating their own terms and benefiting from their charms. There are women who might argue that there’s nothing wrong with dating someone wealthy, and likely older, because it is much more fulfilling than dating someone their own age and ending up with a broken heart. Another group of women might say that it’s degrading and women are selling their bodies to the highest bidder. It’s simply a matter of perspective.
Overall I didn’t have a terrible experience. I went to dinner, had drinks and wonderful conversations until I realized that these men couldn’t afford my company and having sex with them was definitely out of the question (a wise friend once told me, “pussy sells for thousands”). I would definitely try it again, but probably somewhere in Europe or the USA where the sugar culture is much larger and an industry in and of itself. Being paid enough to forgo student loans and a part-time job still sounds wonderful, but maybe it’s time for me to try my hand at being a financial dominatrix instead.
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By: Victoria Marks
When I first heard the term “demisexual” I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I wasn’t an anomaly, I was a perfectly normal human being just like countless others. Then I cried.
I’ve only been attracted to, and wanted to have sex with, a grand total of four people in my entire life. I can objectively evaluate a person, look at them and say, “yes, their facial symmetry and manner of dress is appealing”, but it won’t mean I’m interested in sleeping with them. I’m what is called a demisexual, which is an identity on the asexual spectrum. Asexuality is both an identity and an umbrella term for someone who does not experience sexual attraction. It is not an orientation — meaning that you can be heterosexual or homosexual without being “sexual” at all — and, according to studies, our best guess is that 1% of the population is “ace” (though since asexual people are not typically open about their sex lives — or lack thereof — there is a chance that number is much higher).
Asexuality is different from being celibate or chaste. Asexuals are not abstaining from something they want, instead the want was never there in the first place. Being asexual doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you, and it certainly doesn’t mean you are sick or damaged.
Sexuality is a spectrum. Much like being hetero or homosexual, think of it as a scale, with most people existing somewhere from one end to the other. The label I found that best describes me is “demisexual”, meaning that I very rarely experience sexual attraction, but when I do it is because of a personal and emotional connection with the object of my affections. Outside of being attracted to a select few individuals, I don’t want to have sex. Often times my libido goes entirely dormant when there isn’t someone I’m attracted to in my life (which is most of the time). Usually I’m not attracted to anyone until I’ve known them and grown close to them over months, or sometimes years.
While labels can be incredibly comforting, they can also feel like a burden. Solving the mystery of my jack-in-the-box libido meant that I had to come to terms with the future of my sex life, which, to be honest, looks pretty bleak. I often worry that I’ve “used up” all my sexual attraction on people who didn’t deserve or reciprocate my affection during my teenage years.
I can never have gratifying casual sex, which seems to be everywhere when you can’t have any. I have to explain to every new partner that I may never want to have sex with them and I’ve been accused of not caring for someone because sexual attraction doesn’t magically appear alongside non-sexual affection. I often feel like my relationships are missing something without sex in them, since almost all relationships I see around me — fictional and non-fictional — involve sex. The only mainstream media representation of asexuality I can think of is a House episode where the patient has a brain tumor suppressing his sexuality. Watching relationships develop on television or in fiction is often an exercise in feeling like I can’t relate, while desperately wishing I could.
Asexuals are not abstaining from something they want, instead the want was never there in the first place.
Labels can be great. They make you feel like you are not alone. They can establish communities and help you advocate for yourself. The visibility of the ace community has helped a lot of people understand themselves and come to terms with themselves, but the message that is often missed when trying to explain ourselves to sexual people is how alienating and difficult it can be to come to terms with being ace. To those who think they might be asexual, I want to say that it is alright to be frustrated and confused.
There is a lot of pressure in asexual communities towards self-acceptance — which is brilliant and as it should be — but I’ve spent so much time worrying about why I don’t feel fine that I think it is time for us to say that it’s ok to not be ok. I’m demi-sexual and proud, but not necessarily happy about it. And that is alright.
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By: Susie Ellis
The Everything To Do with Sex Show is an annual convention held at the Enercare Centre located downtown Toronto. The convention is very much the Comic Con of the sex world and has included many different types of attractions. The main floor is filled with multiple stages for performances, as well as vendors who offer services and products to meet all attendees’ sex and kink needs. The floor is also equipped with an Aphrodisiac Cafe and various food trucks for hungry guests. The show offers many seminars and workshops focusing on a variety of subjects. Attendees can learn how to use a strap-on in the Kink Corner or get educated on the “12 Types of Orgasms” in the Seminar Room. The show also features a Wellness Zone (for options on spicing up your workout) and an Erotic Art Area. The Everything To Do with Sex Show offers a safe space to learn and explore the different facets of romance, sexuality, and self-improvement. This show is the best place to let your imagination run wild and learn exciting new things.
The Playground Conference is Toronto’s only intersectional, sex-positive and educational social function. The event, once held as a weekend conference, has been split into quarterly sessions for 2016 (exact dates TBA). The conference features local and international sex and sexuality educators who engage participants in panel discussions, intimate workshops and presentations. In 2015, the conference brought over 310 attendees from various backgrounds, races, genders and sexualities. Playground allows for like¬minded individuals to have an open discussion about how sexual and erotic play can help enhance health and wellbeing. All of the events are not only educational but also bring an aspect of entertainment. Playground is more intimate than the Everything To Do with Sex Show and focuses more on specific (sometimes underrepresented) areas of sex and sexuality.
Tell Me Something Good — 1214 Queen Street West, Toronto
Tell Me Something Good is a monthly sexy storytelling event held downtown Toronto at the Gladstone Hotel’s Melody Bar. The show allows for attendees to volunteer to tell their own true personal stories in front of a group of sex-positive friends as well as the judges of the event. These stories can be funny, sad, unexpected or adorable, as long as they stick to the theme of the month and are under the time limit of five minutes. At the end of the night, the judges tally the scores and award the best stories with sexy prizes. A part of what makes TMSG a must-attend event is the inclusive community. Even though the event is judged, there’s no sense of competition amongst the performers. The thought of telling a group of strangers about your sex life might seem scary, but because all the events attendees are sex-positive and non-oppressive, it creates a safe space to voice your vulnerabilities.
If you are looking to change your perspective on your body and step out of your comfort zone in the company of other like-minded, body positive individuals, then Body Pride is an event you may be interested in. Body Pride is a nude body image workshop created by Toronto-based sexuality blog To Be A Slut. The workshop was designed to reconnect participants with their body in a positive manner. There are wine and snacks provided as participants have an evening of relaxing naked together. There is group discussion around sexuality, sex and bodies, followed by an optional nude photo shoot. Although being nude (non-sexually) around strangers might not be for the faint of heart, the workshop provides a space to let go of all negative feelings about one’s physical form and to gain a new natural perspective on our bodies. Body Pride is currently on hiatus with hopes of returning later in the year.
Oasis Aqualounge — 231 Mutual Street, Toronto
Oasis Aqualounge is for the more adventurous of sex-positive people. It is a water-themed, upscale sex club in downtown Toronto which offers various theme nights every month. Each day there are restrictions on what types of guests are allowed. Some nights are exclusive to women and couples while others allow for single men to join in on the fun. Sunday nights are their speciality event nights. The building has three floors, including a heated outdoor pool, a sauna and hot tub. There is also a dungeon and multiple bars around the facility. Oasis operates under a consensual mission to provide a sexually liberated and clothing optional space to women and their partners. The facility is hygienic and safe sex is encouraged through condom baskets in every room. If interested in meeting people to pursue sexual encounters, guests can freely talk to anyone in attendance, but must only ask once to touch other guests. Oasis offers a unique space to find like-minded individuals and to explore one’s body in a sexual, safe manner.
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By: Sophie Geffros
My first girlfriend broke up with me for being too gay.
I understood her concerns. We were both deeply closeted teens in a small rural Ontario town where homophobic slurs were so rampant that they were less hate speech and more punctuation. Despite my best efforts, I’ve never really been someone who could “pass”, and so all of my close relationships were tarred with the same ambiguously gay feather. Even before I was publicly declaring myself a member of the tribe, my friendships with women were treated with added scrutiny by our peers and parents alike.
It was lonely, and so the last years of my high school experience were capped with me aspiring to a kind of hyper-femininity in the vain hope that, if I could just prove I wasn’t one of “those” lesbians, I would be able to kiss girls in peace. Instead, that first doomed relationship was my last intimate encounter with either gender until university.
It was then that I discovered that the same qualities which had always marked me as undesirable and othered in high school could be used to pursue relationships. I was still far too shy to ever do anything so extreme as pursue a girl romantically, but my hair, my clothes, the way I carried myself – all of these built up to a flashing sign pinned to my chest declaring myself strongly uninterested in sex with men. Self-proclaimed “straight” girls would make out with me at parties for titillation and/or a strange kind of liberal street cred, and for a while, that was enough.
Of course there will always be straight men who take the signalling of sexual unavailability as a sort of challenge. The same straight boys who thought it was hot when their girlfriends made out with me had no problem loudly wondering whether I was “only a d*ke because men wouldn’t f*ck [me]”, as one charming specimen asked drunkenly at a party. After sobbing myself to sleep in my dorm room after one such encounter, I pledged to myself that I wouldn’t let myself be used for straight people’s titillation any more. This lasted approximately two and a half weeks, until the straight object of my affections and I engaged in some tequila-fueled fondling at an after-exam party.
In the LGBTQ+ community, there’s a phenomenon known as “second puberty”. Every September fresh-faced youth arrive on campuses across North America, thrilled that they will at last be able to date people of the same gender, or present as the gender they identify as, or even just meet other people who share even an iota of the same experiences as them.
My first girlfriend broke up with me for being too gay.
What follows can be a rude awakening. Social skills that our straight, cis peers learned in middle school may be completely beyond us. How to flirt, how to ask someone out on a date, how to have your heart broken–these are lessons most of us don’t learn until we are in our late teens and early twenties. It’s one of the things that allows lesbians and bi women to open ourselves up to experimenting with self-identified straight girls who will never leave their boyfriends for us, no matter how many flowery messages we compose in the back of our Math 1A03 notebooks.
To any first year LGBT women reading this let me assure you: she isn’t going to leave him, and you deserve better than being someone’s dirty little secret or youthful experiment. It took me until the age of 20 to realise that sex and relationships shouldn’t leave you with a bitter kernel of shame in your chest.
Part of growing up has been realising that I am one of “those” lesbians, and that it’s okay. Trying to change your gender presentation in the pursuit of an unfulfilling one night stand is a recipe that can only end in tears. The kind of girls who will only have sex with you if you don’t seem too gay are the same girls who will do a number on your self esteem and self respect.
In 2016, let’s pledge to only date people who will make us feel good, and never ashamed.
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I’ve been riding solo for most of my dating life. It might be because when I invite someone over to watch Netflix, I actually really want to watch the movie. Or it could be my insistence on being the little spoon (read: men everywhere, it’s more comfortable. Trust me). But it most likely has to do with my inability to articulate, “I like you” in a scenario that doesn’t end with one party fleeing the scene.
The first two reasons is the kind of reflexive defense I mount when my aunt casually drops the “Why are you single?” bomb at a family dinner. Sometimes it’s subtler (“I feel bad for you. Everyone else is seeing someone!”), but the result is always a tone of pity, followed by a half-hearted attempt at “Well being single is better anyway!”
It’s increasingly common to respond to questions about being single with answers that imply a playful and knowing sense of not giving a damn. These jokes are rooted in the belief that being alone is better as it frees us from the constraints of proper behaviour. In a twisted turn, the single life is glamourized and held up as the gold standard for unadulterated fun.
A younger and envious version of myself would rant about why you shouldn’t probe into people’s love lives in the first place, especially those who are obviously unattached. However, that response is rooted in my insecurities, and dating is such a huge part in the lives of twenty-year-olds, that it’d be silly to expect that I won’t have to talk about it. Besides, what else is my aunt going to ask me? What I’m planning on doing after graduation? (I changed my mind, I will tell her everything about my love life).
No, what I’m here to rant about is actually the “Well being single is better anyway!” part of the conversation. The number of times I’ve read “7 ways to enjoy the single life” (or its variations: “8 reasons why you don’t need a man”, “6 tips on taking advantage of having no significant other”) is staggering. Unfortunately, the insecure part of myself insists on clicking on these “articles” (and I use that word as loosely as one would associate “actor” with Charlie Sheen), which always leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
“You learn more about yourself when you’re single!” “You don’t have to share your food!” Wow, what wonderful insights! Now let me redirect you to “5 best things about dating,” including “You learn so much about yourself,” and “You have someone to share your food with!”
These articles exist to prop up the image of the fun seeking IDGAF bachelor(ette). They are ineffective because trying to value one relationship status over another is neither here nor there.
There’s inherent value in being unattached. There’s also inherent value in relationships. And you don’t need a listicle on Upworthy to tell you that.
And when we spend time forcefully idealizing this single life, please keep in mind that it is objectively not good for your health if you spend consecutive days lying on your bed watching Netflix and eating a tub of ice cream. By laughing with these stereotypical portrayals of what single people do, we’re encouraging this kind of behavior. If you’re going to indulge in these pleasures, as I do, at least be self-aware. I know my future 300-pound self is going to look back on my binge-eating single nights and say, “What the hell is wrong with you, you pig faced dweeb?”
The problem isn’t that you’re single. It’s that you are insecure about being single. A few years ago, I wrote an article about celebrating Valentine’s Day as a single pringle. I talked about the importance of showing your love for your family and friends. At the time, I was too self-involved to realize, “Hey, maybe not every day has to be applicable to me.” Of all 365 days of the year, is Valentine’s Day the day I must insist on commemorating camaraderie and companionship? Because you know what? There’s a day to celebrate your mother, father, and siblings. There’s also a day to celebrate your friends (Friendship Day is on August 7th).
If you’re single, don’t be ashamed of it. You don’t need to make self-deprecating jokes about not having somebody. There’s nothing wrong or funny about being a lone cat lady if that’s who you want to be. Besides, you’d be drowning in pussy.
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By: Sasha Dhesi
Sex work isn’t something you would traditionally associate with a university campus. More often than not, sex work is considered a “dirty” way of making quick money. However, evidence has shown that in places like the UK, approximately 3-4 percent of students do sex work to pay for tuition. The same study found that a majority of students are aware that some of their classmates use sex work to pay fees, and that most understand the sentiment behind those who work in the sex industry. When asked why they believed people go into sex work, most students cited financial need, sexuality and personal situations as the main reasons. But despite its unspoken prevalence, there are very still very few discussions of sex work on campus, especially at McMaster and other Canadian universities.
What exactly is sex work? According to the World Health Organization, sex work is defined simply as “the provision of sexual services in exchange for money or goods.” This broad definition includes services such as stripping, escorting, pornographers, sugar babies (see page 8) and so on. These jobs are notorious for their high pay — local escorting agency Platinum Models charges up to $300 per hour in Hamilton, and $350 per hour in Toronto. With high pay and low hours, it isn’t difficult to see why sex work would be attractive to a student with a full course load when OSAP money doesn’t come through.
If one wanted to learn more about sex work, the most logical person to ask would be a sex worker. I recently had the pleasure of interviewing former escort, August, a student here at McMaster who quit his work a few weeks ago. August worked as a gay escort on his own for about a year half, working full force — a minimum of three people a week.
I could probably pay my tuition off in about two weeks.
How did you get involved in escorting?
When I turned 19, my friends took me to the casino for the first time. Before this, I never did anything of that sort. After being introduced to the casino, I spiraled out of control. I’d sneak out at night with my mom’s credit card, $10 or $20 – just anything I could get my hands on, trying to win something. It got to the point where I got fired from my actual job and spent all my savings. I realized that I needed a way to fuel my addiction. So I asked a friend who’d worked as an escort through an agency. I posted an ad online and received a lot of feedback, and met up with my first client.
Could you describe your first experience?
To be honest, I don’t remember it very well. What I do remember is how easy it came to me, almost second nature. I didn’t feel like I was faking it. It blew my mind at how much money I’d made, like “oh my god, I made $500 for something I’d do for free.” The guy was good-looking too! Most of the guys I met up with were attractive, older men in their 30s and 40s. Since I wasn’t working through an agency, I was never obligated to service someone I didn’t want to. From there, I was able to fuel my addiction even more. At the time, I knew I was out of control and damaging myself, but while I was gambling and escorting I didn’t think about it.
How much would you make?
In a good week, I would make $3000. A bad week, around $2000. I could probably pay my tuition off in about two weeks. In total, I made about $85,000. I spent almost of all of it at the casino – I currently have about $700 in my bank account.
You mentioned earlier that your clients were older gentlemen. What were they like?
Because I wasn’t going through an agency, I was able to personally screen my clients. We would usually talk for about a day, find out any commonalities, and then meet the next day. It was never a straight hook-up. We’d usually go out for dinner or drinks. It was kind of like a little fantasy, almost like being famous. I personally would never go out for $100 seafood, but if this guy wanted to pay for that and pay for my company, why not? The meetings were always a “starter” at the restaurant, “entrée” of getting drinks, and “dessert” when we go back to the hotel room. I was usually with these men for about three hours. The actual sex was mostly foreplay. I only had penetrative sex once, actually. I made it very clear what I would and wouldn’t do, and never had to do anything I wasn’t comfortable doing.
What would you say was your scariest encounter?
This one time two months ago, a guy picked me up in his pickup truck. He looked nothing like his photos and I was scared. Before we got onto the highway I asked him to stop at the bank. As soon as he stopped the car, I ran all the way home. He chased me until I got into the bushes and lost him. Since he’d given me half the money he began harassing me online and I had to block him on everything.
So how were you usually paid?
Always cash! I made the mistake of accepting a cheque early on and had to go through the horrors of a cheque bouncing. Since I had just started, I had no money in my account and was in the negatives for about a month. I used scare tactics (“I have a pimp, I’m not messing around”) to get the guy to actually pay me. So, since then, it’s strictly been cash.
Did you know any other escorts? A sort of community? Any safeguards?
It was just me, on my own. I would give my friend the name of my client and the address of where we were going, but little else.
Are there any differences between escorting as a gay man versus a straight woman, the more common narrative in this line of work?
Oh, definitely. Being a gay escort is very competitive, and tends to be very niche. Since I’m younger and slimmer, I would only attract those who are into that certain look. For women, the general consensus is to be thin. I was what they call a “twink” — slim, hairless, young-looking. There’s also a pervasive fear as a gay escort that the client is actually a homophobe who wants to kill you — a fear that women may not have.
So what finally made you stop?
Well, someone got in a fight with my mom and told her that her son is online and an escort. My mom didn’t even know that I’m gay, so you can imagine how shocking it was for her to find out that I was a gay escort as well. What scared me more than anything was learning that people I knew were aware of my work, and that my private life was now public. Whoever exposed me was most likely a friend, someone who talked to me everyday. It ended up being a wake up call and I figured it was time to stop. I haven’t escorted since December.
Being a gay escort is very competitive, and tends to be very niche.
Sex work is nuanced. People get into it for a myriad of reasons. Some, like the infamous Sasha Grey, got into it out of a desire for a career in the industry. Some, like August, saw it as a way to fuel their addiction. Ultimately, it is unfair to paint the industry and its participants’ motives with a broad brush. Before we can come to any sort of consensus to the morality and ethics of sex work, we should probably talk to those whom it actually affects: sex workers.
*Name changed for privacy
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It was lunch break in my high school cafeteria. I was talking with my female friends when we were joined by a mutual male acquaintance. Don’t ask me how this train of conversation went, but we went from chatting about weekend plans to addressing the very thing that must not be named: masturbation.
I remember listening to this friend talk about it in such a carefree manner, but I couldn’t help but feel tense and uncomfortable – why was that? How could he converse so freely about a topic that my girlfriends and I never touched? I began to realize that for women the openness and comfort simply isn’t there. We’re supposed to remain “hush hush” about the one thing the majority of the population enjoys. Whether or not we are consciously aware of the fact that female masturbation isn’t something women frequently chat about doesn’t matter, because the reality is that there is a stark difference between how men and women approach the subject.
The Huffington Post summarized data from Indiana University’s National Survey of Sexual Health and Behaviour and found that men go at it far more frequently than women do. In fact, only 7.9% of women between the ages of 25 and 29 masturbate two to three times a week, as compared to 23.4% of men. Even if participants are not always truthful about their survey answers, the difference in data is still significant enough to warrant a discussion. What makes women less likely to experiment with their own bodies, or simply refrain from admitting that they do? Perhaps it’s just that women are more private about these sorts of things. While teenage boys freely share how often they masturbate, girls and women just don’t do it. Is it because we are conditioned to remain pure and “ladylike” – whatever that means – in the eyes of others? Or is it this shame and hesitation we feel as women to speak about self-pleasure simply a manifestation of the deep-rooted patriarchy that continues to exist today? God forbid women be able to pleasure themselves without the company of men!
What makes women less likely to experiment with their own bodies, or simply refrain from admitting that they do?
According to a piece in The Atlantic, traditional Catholic and Protestant views deemed male masturbation “deeply sinful.” Interestingly, and perhaps not surprisingly, enough, women were not even considered in this religion-fuelled prohibition of self-pleasure because they weren’t seen as capable or desiring of such behaviour. Today, it is well known that most people do it and whether they choose to talk about it is up to them. The amount of openness regarding female masturbation is increasing today. Shows like Orange is the New Black and Girls normalize female masturbation, which sends a positive message to women all over that you’re allowed to feel good without being shamed for it. Songs about self-love are topping the charts, with Hailee Steinfeld’s “Love Yourself” being one of the most recent and obvious depictions of female masturbation. The Ontario sex-ed curriculum has finally been adjusted after 20 years and includes a brief line or two about masturbation being common and one way of learning about your body. This brief dialogue could be enough for girls to feel safe and comfortable exploring their bodies without feeling ashamed.
There really isn’t any sense in feeling ashamed about female masturbation, no matter a person’s age, because it has been deemed healthy and a way of relieving stress. Plus, there’s no chance of contracting an STI or getting pregnant! If sex is the only thing taught to young girls and masturbation is a big no-no or just not a topic of discussion, then these girls could grow up thinking that the only way for them to get any sort of sexual pleasure is with a partner. Isn’t that more dangerous than letting girls know from the get-go that there is an alternative and that there is nothing wrong with it? Not every girl will figure it out for herself and not feel guilty about it. Many will experiment and then punish themselves because they’ve either been taught that it is wrong and dirty or because they are scared and cannot understand what they’ve done. Taboos only persist when we remain silent. So ladies, talk about it with your friends if all of you are comfortable with it. Post on anonymous forums if you’re curious about something and don’t want to talk in person. What I’m saying is that you shouldn’t feel any more ashamed than the guys. You just do you, literally!
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By: Dawn Braiscak
Everyone knows love is the most common theme in songs, but why? I believe the answer is sex.
From an evolutionary psychology perspective, this makes a lot of sense. In 1872, Darwin proposed that in our evolutionary past, music was used to attract mates. Sexual selection could have been the driving force for the evolution of music: individuals who had the ability to create music made more babies than those who did not have the ability to make music. Luckily for us, something about music perception and production was passed on, allowing for the babies of musical parents to make more babies with musical abilities.
There is an ongoing debate about the extent to which music is an evolutionary adaptation. Your ability to hear is the result of evolution; the ability to identify the location and type of sounds in your environment is an adaptation. The auditory system allows you to hear a low growl, recognize it belongs to a predator, and locate it is approaching you from the left. The ability to understand sounds in your environment is called auditory scene analysis. Pitch and temporal processing likely evolved for auditory scene analysis. In a recent paper, Dr. Trainor, director of McMaster’s Institute for Music and the Mind, suggests that music probably originated as a cultural phenomenon. However, once it was a cultural creation, the benefits conferred emotionally and socially gave music-makers advantages over other groups. Groups who made music together in the environment in which we evolved succeeded more than their non-musical counterparts.
Synchronization with a beat, also known as entrainment, gives rise to social benefits. Several studies conducted here at McMaster, show that moving in synchrony to music helps people get along. This effect is even present in 14 month old infants. Infants show enhanced helping behaviour when they move in synchrony with a partner to music as opposed to asynchronously. Other studies have shown that synchronous movement can lead to enhanced memory of others and even the release of endorphins. Who needs drugs when you can dance? The emotions elicited by music also have the ability to help synchronize the emotions of a group. Music can make a group of people feel joy at a wedding or sorrow at a funeral. Group cohesion would have been vital to survival in the environment in which humans evolved. Groups that were able to work together could have fought off other tribes and defended their young more successfully. The sexual selection hypothesis and the group cohesion hypothesis do not need to be mutually exclusive. Differential reproduction could have also been a pressure leading to the evolution of music.
Music’s relationship with sex has gone beyond that pressured by evolution. The last century alone has seen sex in music transform from Ella and Louis’ on-stage intimacy to crazed fans of the Beatles to sexualized-pop icons like Britney Spears and Beyoncé. Musicians constantly push boundaries and with this have contributed to the modern culture of sex.
Today, sex fuels the music industry. My eyes and ears are constantly being bombarded by sensual, intimate, emotionally charged messages, many of which are hypersexualized. They make you crave it—and we like craving it; without a drive for sex, no animals would exist today. But sometimes, these messages can bad, and not in the naughty way. Sometimes, the craving for sex our music culture creates overshadows the music itself. As a person’s attractiveness increases, their likelihood of success in the music industry increases. I’m not saying that you don’t need talent if you have crazy sex appeal, but I do wonder how many talented people haven’t made it yet because they lack sex appeal.
As a female musician, sex, music, and I have a special relationship. I used to think that I was only compatible with musicians. I used to think the only reason guys liked me was because of my voice. A guy once told me he wished he could fuck my voice. Charming, right? I have fallen head over heels for drummers and guitarists, and crushed on many more. My first time was a one night stand with a guy from a touring band. He had just opened for A Very Good Bad Band so O My Heart I felt pretty accomplished. My seemingly magnetic pull to musicians makes me believe in Darwin’s theory about music and the ability to attract someone to have sex with you. For guys at least.
I don’t know if the same is true for girls. I feel like it is rare that a female musician has fans who throw themselves at her unless she is an obvious sex icon. Gaga is a lady so obviously she has her monsters. Beyoncé is a Queen so obviously she has a BeyHive. But for the average female musician, like me, I think it is rare that fans throw themselves at you. Maybe that is because my performances are not sexualized enough. Nonetheless, sex is a big part of my craft.
A guy once told me he wished he could fuck my voice. Charming, right?
I draw inspiration from sex. Half of my songs are about love. Half of these are about lust, sexy thoughts, and physical intimacy. Playing these songs makes me feel vulnerable. I literally have a song where the refrain is “You make me feel so vulnerable.” OK, maybe it wasn’t originally written for the audience, but it definitely applies to them. In all seriousness, my hope as a performer is to make someone feel understood with my music. Every person experiences a struggle to find love. Whether this is from an evolutionary perspective, as the struggle to find a mate, or from the cultural perspective, as the struggle to belong, it is a shared experience. I hope that I can make people feel — sexy, loved, understood — even if only for a moment.
Beats for the bump & grind
(As selected by The Silhouette staff)
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Is there something wrong with me?
By: Margo Singleton
As a virgin, I have no shame in admitting that I have countlessly Googled “how to know when you’re ready for sex.” The fact that I’m Googling it clearly suggests that I’m not ready, yet I continue to take every Cosmopolitan quiz just to be sure. I wouldn’t be so concerned about my virginity if I were completely single, but as it turns out, my relationship status sports the “it’s complicated” label on Facebook.
My man and I are at a crossroad within our sex life. He desperately wants that homerun, while I’d much rather stay at third base. The amount of pressure I feel regarding the loss of my virginity is so overwhelming that I attempt to push aside all thoughts of it. For most others my age, this event has come and gone with little thought. When I hear other people’s stories, I can’t help but wonder, is there something wrong with me?
Those of whom I ask to provide me with advice simply say, “you’ll know when you’re ready”, but I’m not so sure that I will. There are many issues I have with losing my virginity, especially to this particular man. For the most part, the idea of potentially getting pregnant is enough to make me sew my vagina shut and prevent my legs from opening past a 20-degree angle. In that case, I’d have to take birth control, which does not personally appeal to me. Then there’s the decision of lube, condoms, location, and whether or not a date should be chosen. Although these are all necessary decisions to make prior to the big bang, I think my inability to feel ready for sex stems beyond these minor technicalities.
Will we have to have sex every time we hang out? What if he’s just with me because of the sex? Will I be okay if things don’t work out with him? Does he love me? Or more importantly, do I love him? By speculating about the answer to these questions, it may appear as if my boy toy and I haven’t had a proper discussion about sex, but we’ve had multiple. He’s promised to wait until I’m ready (which for him means asking “so can we?” every time we get down and dirty), but refuses to say we’re in a relationship until we do the deed. It is for this reason that I struggle with feeling ready to have sex with him. I shouldn’t have to satisfy him through intercourse to be seen worthy enough to get into a relationship with and even though I realize that, here I am. With five years under our belt, I truly want to believe that he sees more to this relationship than just potential sex. But wanting to believe it emphasizes the doubt that lingers. If we were to have sex in the near future, I wouldn’t be doing it for my own satisfaction. I’d be doing it to satisfy his needs, to make him not leave me again, and to finally be worthy enough to be in an unhealthy relationship with.
Sex shouldn’t be a requirement to be in a relationship and yet it seems to have become one. As a 20-year-old university student, it often feels like I’m the only one not having sex, which is why I usually don’t discuss my situation with friends. It wasn’t until this year when I started sharing my dilemma with others that I realized I’m not alone; there are other virgins who also feel pressured to define their worth through sex. If there’s anything I can take away from my love life, it’s that the decision to lose your virginity shouldn’t only include coming prepared with an effective form of birth control. There’s more to sex than just doing it with safety, you should want to have sex and do it under pressure-free circumstances that are right for you. After all, I’ve heard your first time is an experience few tend to forget, and even if it doesn’t go as planned, the least I can do is make sure I was more than ready.
Casual hookups aren’t for everyone
By: Ingrid Sampath
I come from a long line of late bloomers. Me, my sibling, those that came before us, we all took our sweet time when it came to settling into our sexuality. I’ve surrounded myself with fellow lead-footed florets my whole life, and up until recently, my slow-moving sex life has never caused problems for me.
My slowness is something I’ve always been comfortable with. I hadn’t kissed a boy until I was 18, hadn’t spent the night with someone until I was 21, but even with my general comfort in these numbers, and my box-ticking pretty much complete, I still felt like there were a lot of things I hadn’t properly experienced.
Anytime I was faced with the prospect of a relationship, I had the perfectly normal expectation that we would go out with one another for several months, make each other mix tapes (read: Spotify playlists), kiss in the rain a few times and then all of a sudden it would explode into a burst of sparkles, roses and orgasms. But more often than not, this simply never became a reality.
I tried my fair share of “relationships,” and most of them ended with my counterpart being dissatisfied with my rate of movement, and consequently dumping me before some major holiday.
I started to think that to have a twenty-first century romance I needed to discard my nineteenth century expectations and buckle down for a hard ride (pun somewhat intended) with fuck boys and Netflix and chill. I decided that I was tired of waiting for the “right” person to come along and instead I started settling for the next person to come along. Rather, the next people to come along.
Almost overnight I went from my contented slow-motion blossoming to what I thought would be a rapid sexual awakening that would turn me into a believer of casual sex and a true twenty-first century dater.
This was not an effective plan.
Quickly into my short string of conquests, I realized that I didn’t enjoy the nature of casual hookups. Anytime I met with someone, I was left feeling empty and dissatisfied, longing for the fireworks that I dreamt of. I don’t regret my decision to trial this lifestyle — I will admit, it was still a lot of fun — but after experiencing it, I learned something important.
Some people just do things slower, and that is OK. I’ve had countless conversations with friends who feel insecure about their lack of or minor experience, and it pains me to hear them say they feel the need to lower their standards or reduce their values just so they can have something more to show for their next partner.
Sometimes it feels like everyone is hooking up with everyone and you’re left trapped behind a hymen, but it’s OK to take your time if that’s what you want to do. You might be late to the party, but you’re nowhere near last call.
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