Six simple steps that will ensure you don’t die within the first thirty minutes

Horror movies always seem to star stupid people. Regardless of age, location or occupation, every starlet seems to think it’s a great idea to find shelter in an abandoned basement, investigate the screaming sound coming from the attic, or adopt that one creepy little orphan whose only protection is the Young Offenders Act. If this Hallowe’en you find yourself bewildered with a horror movie-esque attack, here are six steps that may help you make it all the way to the credits.

1)   Remove yourself from isolated areas

So you live on a farm? Move. Axe murderers tend to be drawn to lonely wooden structures and small town environments. Cornfields, abandoned asylums and wooded areas are a no-no. Keep to more densely populated city areas and travel in packs of 10 or more. If you cannot avoid being in an real viagra pharmacy prescription isolated area, have a car on hand to drive your ass the hell out of there in case of an emergency (preference for SUVs and Hummers).

2)   Don’t investigate weird sounds

If you hear a weird sound coming from the floor above you, CALL THE POLICE. I don’t care how many triathlons you’ve done or how badass you think you are, you are not equipped to battle a psychopath ghost living in your attic. You are not Scooby Doo, you are not Bill Murray, and you are not that lady from Long Island Medium, you are no match for the paranormal.

3)   Carry a charged cellphone

One of the luxuries of the twenty-first century is the easy access to portable electronic devices. Use your goddamn phone to call for help. You also want to make sure you have enough battery power for your caller ID to work. The last thing you need is to answer a call from an “Unknown Number” and find yourself being stalked while manoeuvring a babysitting gig. That being said, another good tip – don’t be a babysitter.

4)   Don’t lean against walls or doors

When the floorboards in the next room are creaking and you don’t know how to check if the coast is clear, leaning against the wall/door for a better listen is not a good idea. Because there you are all huddled up next to your plywood framework and all of a sudden, you’re getting shanked in the spleen with some next Kill Bill blade. Unless your home is made of steel, you are not going to be safe from the person in the next room.

5)   Don’t have sex

Ok guys, so I know when you’re scared and lonely you feel the need to get handsy, but there are several important considerations when it comes to fear-induced-freak. Don’t be caught pant-less, you will find yourself running for your life semi-nude. Don’t get pregnant, because you will give birth to a demon child. Don’t have sex, because you will get chlamydia and you will die.

6)   Double tap

It’s never dead when you think it is. Give it another hit.

 

Michael Gallagher
The Silhouette

5. Dead space

Before Gravity showed us how scary space can be, Dead Space redefined the horrors of space. The player controls Isaac Clarke as he makes his way through an abandoned mining star ship, only to find a slaughtered crew and the aliens that killed them. In official canadian pharmacy order to prevent the enemies from killing you, they must be dismembered limb by limb (instead of a typical shot to the head). This, coupled with the ability to fight in zero gravity makes Dead Space unique and thrilling.

4. Silent Hill

The survival horror Silent Hill games in many ways deserve to take the number one spot. This is because they represent some of the earliest and most influential titles in horror video gaming. What makes them so great? Composer Akira Yamaoka’s eerie music, the use of unique camera angles, and the gripping story. If you want to be scared this Halloween, check out any of the Silent Hill games, but my personal favourites are the first and second.

3. Outlast

Red Barrels’ Outlast is a horror gaming treat. You move through an insane asylum armed with only a night vision video camera to navigate the dark. The game is truly frightening. This lack of weapons means that players are only able to run away from enemies and cannot fight back.

2. Amnesia

Amnesia: The Dark Descent pushed horror video forward by removing weapons and forcing players to be unable to fight back, paving the way for Outlast and Slender in the future. You control Daniel, a young man from the early 1800’s London, as he solves puzzles in a creepy castle. The only tool Daniel has is his lantern, which leaves players unable to fight back at the horrors that await them. This game is so incredibly scary that I found myself unable to carry on through some of the levels. If you want to have a fun time this Halloween, get your friends together and check out Amnesia: The Dark Descent or the sequel Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs. You won’t be disappointed.

1. Slender

The free-to-play indie-horror hit Slender: The Eight Pages is one of the most enjoyable horror games to date. The game is incredibly simple; players move through a forest armed with just a flashlight, as they collect eight pages to win. Soon, a mysterious figure known as “Slender Man” pursues you, and the character moves faster to get you with each page you collect. The game’s ease allows even non-gamers to give it a try, but still produces Amnesia level scares, something worthy of the number one spot.

You’re running through the woods as fast as you can. Your legs give in as you grasp at the air for support. You look around for help and scream at the top of your lungs. There’s nothing left for you to do. You resort to a religion you abandoned years before and start to pray that you make it through.

You wake up.

Heart pounding, mind racing, you bring your hand to your face and realize it was just a dream. A sigh of relief passes through your body as you attempt to re-cap the details of the story your mind just produced. So I wasn’t a tribute in the Hunger Games. So I wasn’t just dangling off of a 40 storey building surrounded by the members of Nickelback. Whatever the conclusion may be, one of the greatest feelings is that of the realization of a nightmare. Knowing your life is not in explicit danger is enough to kick-start your day, or, make you seek psychological help.

As of lately I haven’t been one for nightmarish thoughts. But, when I was at the young, joyfully boisterous age of 15, after my family had moved into a new house, a string of dark and throttling dreams moved into my mind. Terror and excitement soon ensued.

After reoccurring dreams that involved being mauled by birds and several nights resulting in me wandering into my parent’s room at 4 a.m., tears streaming down my cheeks, my family decided to take action and put an end to my newfound Steven King-esque mind. My mother insisted the problem had to do with the “Feng Shui” of the room, and subsequently rearranged all my furniture. My sister headed over to a garden store and purchased a dream catcher, and my dad drove me to the doctors to seek professional assistance. I had faith in mother’s and sister’s attempts to clear my thoughts, but was favouring more heavily what the doctor had to say.

Turns out, I was lactose intolerant. Apparently the discomfort caused by my milk ingestion was leading to the upsetting thoughts.

Nightmares may sometimes seem to be dark and foreboding visions giving a glimpse into the hidden recesses of your mind, but sometimes the cause or solution can be as simple as the position of your window or newly developed dietary restrictions.

Ancient Egyptians believed that if you had a good dream, it meant something bad was about to happen. Therefore, bad dreams were often a sign of good luck. Meanwhile, the good ol’ Babylonians believed that good dreams were caused by kind, harmless spirits, while bad dreams were manifestations of Satan. Exorcists, take note.

For as long as people have been lulling into sleepy time story time, humans have worked to interpret the meaning of these unique and personal visions. Nightmares have caused a particularly inquisitive approach due to their frightening and shocking nature.

“I felt scared, it was as though it really happened. I felt like I was in shock,” explained second year Social Work and Psychology student Keilly when asked how she felt after her last nightmare.

“The memory lingers with you,” further expressed second year English and Art History student Jamie.

One of the main reasons why nightmares are so terrifying is due to their relation to real life. If something is causing you anxiety, it’s likely that your subconscious will reflect the same fears in your dreams. Other common causes of nightmares include increased consumption of caffeine, memories of a traumatic event and unfinished emotional business. If you’re looking to make your terrorizing dreams come to an end, begin by assessing any unique situations currently plaguing your personal life, and proceed to speak to someone about how you’re feeling. Even try imagining a happier ending to your vision to reverse the damage of the previously traumatic finish.

If you find yourself startled and awake from a nightmare, just relax and remind yourself that it was just a dream. And while you’re at it, thank your lucky stars you aren’t lactose intolerant.

By: Miranda Babbitt

 

Walk outside, take a breath. What you smell and what has seeped into your soul is sheer evil, my friends. Hamilton isn’t a place for sissies no more. Maybe London is better for you. Or Waterloo. But not Hamilton.

Walking into the enormous confines of Screemers, Canada’s #1 Haunted Scream Park, you may see a lone, eighteenth century girl slowly stagger by you, or be joyously greeted (in his own charming way) by a chainsaw wielding serial killer. This is all part of the fun, or at least what adrenaline junkies define as fun. A pleasant sign then warns you that you there are no refunds for chickens.

Strangely enough, throughout the night, this fear you feel, these sweaty palms, the quickened beat of your heart, the creeping paranoia about what or who is behind you, it becomes something of a challenge. You begin to want to challenge your nerves. As you pass by the various haunted houses in this empty factory like building, you can hear screams all around you, and the cackles of disturbed clowns, and yet you’re literally being drawn into these dark entrances.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m often not one to willingly say, “Yes, please terrify me to the point of jumping into the arms of my friends and/or strangers in front of me,” let alone journey through four or five haunted houses in one night, but something flickers inside of you each time you bolt out of the exit, declaring yourself “lucky to survive.” If you’re thinking, “Oh, pshaw, haunted houses are just full of actors anyway,” then I dare you, bold sir, to enter into what is known as The Black Hole. Let’s see how brave you feel when the only thing to guide you is a single red dot in the distance, and the walls creep closer and closer towards you until you’re inching sideways towards the exit… or what you think is the exit.

And even with the mindset that everyone around you is an actor, every clown with his mouth falling off is just another high school boy, or every maniacal creature with eyes darting through the holes in the mask is just a mother on her day off, somehow this isn’t enough to bring your heartbeat back to the casual jogging pace you would like it to be at.

For the first time in my life, I can confidently say that I was relieved to see the two prepubescent boys, with their hats delicately placed at an angle to convince us of their evident swag, book past us at a startlingly confident pace, acting as our first line of defense against the creatures lurking behind each corner.

Entering into Screemers shows you just how you’d cope in a horror movie. Will you freeze or will you run? Will you scream or will you shout? Will you laugh or will you cry? Your horror movie persona awaits you.

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