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By: Sasha Dhesi
Sex work isn’t something you would traditionally associate with a university campus. More often than not, sex work is considered a “dirty” way of making quick money. However, evidence has shown that in places like the UK, approximately 3-4 percent of students do sex work to pay for tuition. The same study found that a majority of students are aware that some of their classmates use sex work to pay fees, and that most understand the sentiment behind those who work in the sex industry. When asked why they believed people go into sex work, most students cited financial need, sexuality and personal situations as the main reasons. But despite its unspoken prevalence, there are very still very few discussions of sex work on campus, especially at McMaster and other Canadian universities.
What exactly is sex work? According to the World Health Organization, sex work is defined simply as “the provision of sexual services in exchange for money or goods.” This broad definition includes services such as stripping, escorting, pornographers, sugar babies (see page 8) and so on. These jobs are notorious for their high pay — local escorting agency Platinum Models charges up to $300 per hour in Hamilton, and $350 per hour in Toronto. With high pay and low hours, it isn’t difficult to see why sex work would be attractive to a student with a full course load when OSAP money doesn’t come through.
If one wanted to learn more about sex work, the most logical person to ask would be a sex worker. I recently had the pleasure of interviewing former escort, August, a student here at McMaster who quit his work a few weeks ago. August worked as a gay escort on his own for about a year half, working full force — a minimum of three people a week.
I could probably pay my tuition off in about two weeks.
How did you get involved in escorting?
When I turned 19, my friends took me to the casino for the first time. Before this, I never did anything of that sort. After being introduced to the casino, I spiraled out of control. I’d sneak out at night with my mom’s credit card, $10 or $20 – just anything I could get my hands on, trying to win something. It got to the point where I got fired from my actual job and spent all my savings. I realized that I needed a way to fuel my addiction. So I asked a friend who’d worked as an escort through an agency. I posted an ad online and received a lot of feedback, and met up with my first client.
Could you describe your first experience?
To be honest, I don’t remember it very well. What I do remember is how easy it came to me, almost second nature. I didn’t feel like I was faking it. It blew my mind at how much money I’d made, like “oh my god, I made $500 for something I’d do for free.” The guy was good-looking too! Most of the guys I met up with were attractive, older men in their 30s and 40s. Since I wasn’t working through an agency, I was never obligated to service someone I didn’t want to. From there, I was able to fuel my addiction even more. At the time, I knew I was out of control and damaging myself, but while I was gambling and escorting I didn’t think about it.
How much would you make?
In a good week, I would make $3000. A bad week, around $2000. I could probably pay my tuition off in about two weeks. In total, I made about $85,000. I spent almost of all of it at the casino – I currently have about $700 in my bank account.
You mentioned earlier that your clients were older gentlemen. What were they like?
Because I wasn’t going through an agency, I was able to personally screen my clients. We would usually talk for about a day, find out any commonalities, and then meet the next day. It was never a straight hook-up. We’d usually go out for dinner or drinks. It was kind of like a little fantasy, almost like being famous. I personally would never go out for $100 seafood, but if this guy wanted to pay for that and pay for my company, why not? The meetings were always a “starter” at the restaurant, “entrée” of getting drinks, and “dessert” when we go back to the hotel room. I was usually with these men for about three hours. The actual sex was mostly foreplay. I only had penetrative sex once, actually. I made it very clear what I would and wouldn’t do, and never had to do anything I wasn’t comfortable doing.
What would you say was your scariest encounter?
This one time two months ago, a guy picked me up in his pickup truck. He looked nothing like his photos and I was scared. Before we got onto the highway I asked him to stop at the bank. As soon as he stopped the car, I ran all the way home. He chased me until I got into the bushes and lost him. Since he’d given me half the money he began harassing me online and I had to block him on everything.
So how were you usually paid?
Always cash! I made the mistake of accepting a cheque early on and had to go through the horrors of a cheque bouncing. Since I had just started, I had no money in my account and was in the negatives for about a month. I used scare tactics (“I have a pimp, I’m not messing around”) to get the guy to actually pay me. So, since then, it’s strictly been cash.
Did you know any other escorts? A sort of community? Any safeguards?
It was just me, on my own. I would give my friend the name of my client and the address of where we were going, but little else.
Are there any differences between escorting as a gay man versus a straight woman, the more common narrative in this line of work?
Oh, definitely. Being a gay escort is very competitive, and tends to be very niche. Since I’m younger and slimmer, I would only attract those who are into that certain look. For women, the general consensus is to be thin. I was what they call a “twink” — slim, hairless, young-looking. There’s also a pervasive fear as a gay escort that the client is actually a homophobe who wants to kill you — a fear that women may not have.
So what finally made you stop?
Well, someone got in a fight with my mom and told her that her son is online and an escort. My mom didn’t even know that I’m gay, so you can imagine how shocking it was for her to find out that I was a gay escort as well. What scared me more than anything was learning that people I knew were aware of my work, and that my private life was now public. Whoever exposed me was most likely a friend, someone who talked to me everyday. It ended up being a wake up call and I figured it was time to stop. I haven’t escorted since December.
Being a gay escort is very competitive, and tends to be very niche.
Sex work is nuanced. People get into it for a myriad of reasons. Some, like the infamous Sasha Grey, got into it out of a desire for a career in the industry. Some, like August, saw it as a way to fuel their addiction. Ultimately, it is unfair to paint the industry and its participants’ motives with a broad brush. Before we can come to any sort of consensus to the morality and ethics of sex work, we should probably talk to those whom it actually affects: sex workers.
*Name changed for privacy
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It was lunch break in my high school cafeteria. I was talking with my female friends when we were joined by a mutual male acquaintance. Don’t ask me how this train of conversation went, but we went from chatting about weekend plans to addressing the very thing that must not be named: masturbation.
I remember listening to this friend talk about it in such a carefree manner, but I couldn’t help but feel tense and uncomfortable – why was that? How could he converse so freely about a topic that my girlfriends and I never touched? I began to realize that for women the openness and comfort simply isn’t there. We’re supposed to remain “hush hush” about the one thing the majority of the population enjoys. Whether or not we are consciously aware of the fact that female masturbation isn’t something women frequently chat about doesn’t matter, because the reality is that there is a stark difference between how men and women approach the subject.
The Huffington Post summarized data from Indiana University’s National Survey of Sexual Health and Behaviour and found that men go at it far more frequently than women do. In fact, only 7.9% of women between the ages of 25 and 29 masturbate two to three times a week, as compared to 23.4% of men. Even if participants are not always truthful about their survey answers, the difference in data is still significant enough to warrant a discussion. What makes women less likely to experiment with their own bodies, or simply refrain from admitting that they do? Perhaps it’s just that women are more private about these sorts of things. While teenage boys freely share how often they masturbate, girls and women just don’t do it. Is it because we are conditioned to remain pure and “ladylike” – whatever that means – in the eyes of others? Or is it this shame and hesitation we feel as women to speak about self-pleasure simply a manifestation of the deep-rooted patriarchy that continues to exist today? God forbid women be able to pleasure themselves without the company of men!
What makes women less likely to experiment with their own bodies, or simply refrain from admitting that they do?
According to a piece in The Atlantic, traditional Catholic and Protestant views deemed male masturbation “deeply sinful.” Interestingly, and perhaps not surprisingly, enough, women were not even considered in this religion-fuelled prohibition of self-pleasure because they weren’t seen as capable or desiring of such behaviour. Today, it is well known that most people do it and whether they choose to talk about it is up to them. The amount of openness regarding female masturbation is increasing today. Shows like Orange is the New Black and Girls normalize female masturbation, which sends a positive message to women all over that you’re allowed to feel good without being shamed for it. Songs about self-love are topping the charts, with Hailee Steinfeld’s “Love Yourself” being one of the most recent and obvious depictions of female masturbation. The Ontario sex-ed curriculum has finally been adjusted after 20 years and includes a brief line or two about masturbation being common and one way of learning about your body. This brief dialogue could be enough for girls to feel safe and comfortable exploring their bodies without feeling ashamed.
There really isn’t any sense in feeling ashamed about female masturbation, no matter a person’s age, because it has been deemed healthy and a way of relieving stress. Plus, there’s no chance of contracting an STI or getting pregnant! If sex is the only thing taught to young girls and masturbation is a big no-no or just not a topic of discussion, then these girls could grow up thinking that the only way for them to get any sort of sexual pleasure is with a partner. Isn’t that more dangerous than letting girls know from the get-go that there is an alternative and that there is nothing wrong with it? Not every girl will figure it out for herself and not feel guilty about it. Many will experiment and then punish themselves because they’ve either been taught that it is wrong and dirty or because they are scared and cannot understand what they’ve done. Taboos only persist when we remain silent. So ladies, talk about it with your friends if all of you are comfortable with it. Post on anonymous forums if you’re curious about something and don’t want to talk in person. What I’m saying is that you shouldn’t feel any more ashamed than the guys. You just do you, literally!
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By: Dawn Braiscak
Everyone knows love is the most common theme in songs, but why? I believe the answer is sex.
From an evolutionary psychology perspective, this makes a lot of sense. In 1872, Darwin proposed that in our evolutionary past, music was used to attract mates. Sexual selection could have been the driving force for the evolution of music: individuals who had the ability to create music made more babies than those who did not have the ability to make music. Luckily for us, something about music perception and production was passed on, allowing for the babies of musical parents to make more babies with musical abilities.
There is an ongoing debate about the extent to which music is an evolutionary adaptation. Your ability to hear is the result of evolution; the ability to identify the location and type of sounds in your environment is an adaptation. The auditory system allows you to hear a low growl, recognize it belongs to a predator, and locate it is approaching you from the left. The ability to understand sounds in your environment is called auditory scene analysis. Pitch and temporal processing likely evolved for auditory scene analysis. In a recent paper, Dr. Trainor, director of McMaster’s Institute for Music and the Mind, suggests that music probably originated as a cultural phenomenon. However, once it was a cultural creation, the benefits conferred emotionally and socially gave music-makers advantages over other groups. Groups who made music together in the environment in which we evolved succeeded more than their non-musical counterparts.
Synchronization with a beat, also known as entrainment, gives rise to social benefits. Several studies conducted here at McMaster, show that moving in synchrony to music helps people get along. This effect is even present in 14 month old infants. Infants show enhanced helping behaviour when they move in synchrony with a partner to music as opposed to asynchronously. Other studies have shown that synchronous movement can lead to enhanced memory of others and even the release of endorphins. Who needs drugs when you can dance? The emotions elicited by music also have the ability to help synchronize the emotions of a group. Music can make a group of people feel joy at a wedding or sorrow at a funeral. Group cohesion would have been vital to survival in the environment in which humans evolved. Groups that were able to work together could have fought off other tribes and defended their young more successfully. The sexual selection hypothesis and the group cohesion hypothesis do not need to be mutually exclusive. Differential reproduction could have also been a pressure leading to the evolution of music.
Music’s relationship with sex has gone beyond that pressured by evolution. The last century alone has seen sex in music transform from Ella and Louis’ on-stage intimacy to crazed fans of the Beatles to sexualized-pop icons like Britney Spears and Beyoncé. Musicians constantly push boundaries and with this have contributed to the modern culture of sex.
Today, sex fuels the music industry. My eyes and ears are constantly being bombarded by sensual, intimate, emotionally charged messages, many of which are hypersexualized. They make you crave it—and we like craving it; without a drive for sex, no animals would exist today. But sometimes, these messages can bad, and not in the naughty way. Sometimes, the craving for sex our music culture creates overshadows the music itself. As a person’s attractiveness increases, their likelihood of success in the music industry increases. I’m not saying that you don’t need talent if you have crazy sex appeal, but I do wonder how many talented people haven’t made it yet because they lack sex appeal.
As a female musician, sex, music, and I have a special relationship. I used to think that I was only compatible with musicians. I used to think the only reason guys liked me was because of my voice. A guy once told me he wished he could fuck my voice. Charming, right? I have fallen head over heels for drummers and guitarists, and crushed on many more. My first time was a one night stand with a guy from a touring band. He had just opened for A Very Good Bad Band so O My Heart I felt pretty accomplished. My seemingly magnetic pull to musicians makes me believe in Darwin’s theory about music and the ability to attract someone to have sex with you. For guys at least.
I don’t know if the same is true for girls. I feel like it is rare that a female musician has fans who throw themselves at her unless she is an obvious sex icon. Gaga is a lady so obviously she has her monsters. Beyoncé is a Queen so obviously she has a BeyHive. But for the average female musician, like me, I think it is rare that fans throw themselves at you. Maybe that is because my performances are not sexualized enough. Nonetheless, sex is a big part of my craft.
A guy once told me he wished he could fuck my voice. Charming, right?
I draw inspiration from sex. Half of my songs are about love. Half of these are about lust, sexy thoughts, and physical intimacy. Playing these songs makes me feel vulnerable. I literally have a song where the refrain is “You make me feel so vulnerable.” OK, maybe it wasn’t originally written for the audience, but it definitely applies to them. In all seriousness, my hope as a performer is to make someone feel understood with my music. Every person experiences a struggle to find love. Whether this is from an evolutionary perspective, as the struggle to find a mate, or from the cultural perspective, as the struggle to belong, it is a shared experience. I hope that I can make people feel — sexy, loved, understood — even if only for a moment.
Beats for the bump & grind
(As selected by The Silhouette staff)
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Is there something wrong with me?
By: Margo Singleton
As a virgin, I have no shame in admitting that I have countlessly Googled “how to know when you’re ready for sex.” The fact that I’m Googling it clearly suggests that I’m not ready, yet I continue to take every Cosmopolitan quiz just to be sure. I wouldn’t be so concerned about my virginity if I were completely single, but as it turns out, my relationship status sports the “it’s complicated” label on Facebook.
My man and I are at a crossroad within our sex life. He desperately wants that homerun, while I’d much rather stay at third base. The amount of pressure I feel regarding the loss of my virginity is so overwhelming that I attempt to push aside all thoughts of it. For most others my age, this event has come and gone with little thought. When I hear other people’s stories, I can’t help but wonder, is there something wrong with me?
Those of whom I ask to provide me with advice simply say, “you’ll know when you’re ready”, but I’m not so sure that I will. There are many issues I have with losing my virginity, especially to this particular man. For the most part, the idea of potentially getting pregnant is enough to make me sew my vagina shut and prevent my legs from opening past a 20-degree angle. In that case, I’d have to take birth control, which does not personally appeal to me. Then there’s the decision of lube, condoms, location, and whether or not a date should be chosen. Although these are all necessary decisions to make prior to the big bang, I think my inability to feel ready for sex stems beyond these minor technicalities.
Will we have to have sex every time we hang out? What if he’s just with me because of the sex? Will I be okay if things don’t work out with him? Does he love me? Or more importantly, do I love him? By speculating about the answer to these questions, it may appear as if my boy toy and I haven’t had a proper discussion about sex, but we’ve had multiple. He’s promised to wait until I’m ready (which for him means asking “so can we?” every time we get down and dirty), but refuses to say we’re in a relationship until we do the deed. It is for this reason that I struggle with feeling ready to have sex with him. I shouldn’t have to satisfy him through intercourse to be seen worthy enough to get into a relationship with and even though I realize that, here I am. With five years under our belt, I truly want to believe that he sees more to this relationship than just potential sex. But wanting to believe it emphasizes the doubt that lingers. If we were to have sex in the near future, I wouldn’t be doing it for my own satisfaction. I’d be doing it to satisfy his needs, to make him not leave me again, and to finally be worthy enough to be in an unhealthy relationship with.
Sex shouldn’t be a requirement to be in a relationship and yet it seems to have become one. As a 20-year-old university student, it often feels like I’m the only one not having sex, which is why I usually don’t discuss my situation with friends. It wasn’t until this year when I started sharing my dilemma with others that I realized I’m not alone; there are other virgins who also feel pressured to define their worth through sex. If there’s anything I can take away from my love life, it’s that the decision to lose your virginity shouldn’t only include coming prepared with an effective form of birth control. There’s more to sex than just doing it with safety, you should want to have sex and do it under pressure-free circumstances that are right for you. After all, I’ve heard your first time is an experience few tend to forget, and even if it doesn’t go as planned, the least I can do is make sure I was more than ready.
Casual hookups aren’t for everyone
By: Ingrid Sampath
I come from a long line of late bloomers. Me, my sibling, those that came before us, we all took our sweet time when it came to settling into our sexuality. I’ve surrounded myself with fellow lead-footed florets my whole life, and up until recently, my slow-moving sex life has never caused problems for me.
My slowness is something I’ve always been comfortable with. I hadn’t kissed a boy until I was 18, hadn’t spent the night with someone until I was 21, but even with my general comfort in these numbers, and my box-ticking pretty much complete, I still felt like there were a lot of things I hadn’t properly experienced.
Anytime I was faced with the prospect of a relationship, I had the perfectly normal expectation that we would go out with one another for several months, make each other mix tapes (read: Spotify playlists), kiss in the rain a few times and then all of a sudden it would explode into a burst of sparkles, roses and orgasms. But more often than not, this simply never became a reality.
I tried my fair share of “relationships,” and most of them ended with my counterpart being dissatisfied with my rate of movement, and consequently dumping me before some major holiday.
I started to think that to have a twenty-first century romance I needed to discard my nineteenth century expectations and buckle down for a hard ride (pun somewhat intended) with fuck boys and Netflix and chill. I decided that I was tired of waiting for the “right” person to come along and instead I started settling for the next person to come along. Rather, the next people to come along.
Almost overnight I went from my contented slow-motion blossoming to what I thought would be a rapid sexual awakening that would turn me into a believer of casual sex and a true twenty-first century dater.
This was not an effective plan.
Quickly into my short string of conquests, I realized that I didn’t enjoy the nature of casual hookups. Anytime I met with someone, I was left feeling empty and dissatisfied, longing for the fireworks that I dreamt of. I don’t regret my decision to trial this lifestyle — I will admit, it was still a lot of fun — but after experiencing it, I learned something important.
Some people just do things slower, and that is OK. I’ve had countless conversations with friends who feel insecure about their lack of or minor experience, and it pains me to hear them say they feel the need to lower their standards or reduce their values just so they can have something more to show for their next partner.
Sometimes it feels like everyone is hooking up with everyone and you’re left trapped behind a hymen, but it’s OK to take your time if that’s what you want to do. You might be late to the party, but you’re nowhere near last call.
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If you are a human on this planet and are currently alive, you have heard about the novel Fifty Shades of Grey. The book — which featured a woman discovering kinky sex through her rich and emotionally constipated boyfriend — sparked controversy over whether a relationship that included kink could ever be considered healthy. It’s debatable whether the story can even be classified as BDSM (a better label for it would have been eroticized abuse), but here’s the thing, vanilla relationships, a.k.a. “conventional” ones, have a lot to learn from BDSM practices.
So what is BDSM exactly? People dressed in latex and leather? Whips and chains? Tortured souls like Mr. Grey trying to sexually work through their childhood trauma? An exact definition is a little hard to pin down. The acronym stands for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism, which covers a lot of ground but doesn’t really express the diversity of the scene, which is greatly shaped by your own personal preferences. Not everyone who is interested in BDSM is “damaged” or broken because of their tastes, nor is all BDSM about pain. Just because you like one aspect of BDSM doesn’t mean you don’t have limits, and while sometimes odd, it is not inherently abusive. Just like other relationships, BDSM is shaped by the people who practice it, not solely by the type of sex that one or both partners enjoy.
How does BDSM different from assault you ask? Explicit consent.
Due to the nature of kinky sex, you need to set out very clear parameters with your partner ahead of time. For example, how are you going to communicate if one person is gagged? What word ends the game when one partner is pretending to struggle? When should people check in about how they are feeling during or after a “scene”? All of these factors need to be decided well in advance, often with a detailed checklist or a long conversation.
This does not mean that we should give all BDSM practices a get out jail (or dungeon) free card. I should emphasize that not all BDSM is inherently benign. Many people get defensive when it comes to their kinks, which makes sense. Sex is personal, and when someone points out that your personal life is problematic I can see how your knee jerk reaction is to defend yourself. However, this doesn’t mean we can dismiss all criticism as “kink shaming.” For example, no matter who you are or how you express your sexuality, if you fantasize about rape I am going to be wary around you, no matter if you engage in safe roleplaying or not. I get that people often can’t help the fantasies that they are interested in or intrigued by, but this doesn’t mean that they don’t have real world ramifications. Our tastes do not exist in a vacuum, and we need to constantly be asking ourselves where they come from and how they affect our interpersonal relationships.
Often with vanilla sex there is an unspoken agreement that both partners are going to remain within “normal” and expected parameters, but nowhere along the way is “normal” defined.
What healthy BDSM does well is facilitate a negotiation about our preferences. Often with vanilla sex there is an unspoken agreement that both partners are going to remain within “normal” and expected parameters, but nowhere along the way is “normal” defined. One person’s normal could be another person’s no-thank-you. There is no conventional conversation process which could help avoid uncomfortable or dangerous situations. Questions like, “what form of birth control will we be using?” or “is there any part of your body you would prefer I didn’t touch?” will make your partner — and your sex life — more comfortable. I swear, it is not as unsexy as it sounds. Talking through sex before you have it can be exciting, and the sex itself will be better if you don’t feel like you are trying to find what makes your partner tick the same way you would a light switch in the dark.
Therefore, instead of thinking of BDSM as something freakish and unhealthy, let’s instead view it as a process. Let’s adopt the framework that comes with unconventional sex and bring it into our clandestine sex lives, because nothing but good can come from open conversation. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that just because your sex life doesn’t involve electric shocks or boot licking that you don’t need to talk about it.
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By: Nina Gaind
Dream a wet dream of me…
Thinking about your crush before you fall asleep might not be the only way to have an imaginary pleasure-filled night. Falling asleep facedown on your stomach with your arms stretched above your head can increase the chances of having a sex dream. Sleep tight McMaster… or sleep loose…
The miracle drug
One type of OCD medication can cause orgasms when people yawn. That’s a mouthful!
Motown marriage vows
According to a report from the National Marriage Project, one third of married couples sprouted from casual hookups. Sounds more like a 10-year night stand.
International Man of Mystery
During the first World War, members of the British Secret Intelligence Service found that semen could be used as invisible ink. Very groovy, baby.
Driving Miss Daisy
Besides the bedroom, the most popular place to have sex is the car. Get excited the next time you get in your partner’s car. Vroom vroom…
Talk dirty to me
Women are more easily able to manipulate their voice to sound more attractive, but men can’t. When a girl lowers her voice and tries to sound sexy, it is a signal that she is interested in a potential mate, a clue that men pick up on.
Going the distance
Your partner is in China and you’re in Hamilton, what do you do? Luckily, there’s now a sex toy company that allows your partner and you to operate your vibrators at the same time from across the world using a mobile app. Thank god for modern day technology.
The Great Sex-ession
During the recession, the sex toy industry was booming due to the fact that young people were dealing with a lot of stress. When in doubt, vibrate it out!
Free Willy
The male bottlenose dolphin has a couple masturbation tricks up its… flipper. For pleasure, it wraps a live wriggling eel around its penis. That’s one way to save money.
My 7 billion siblings and I
The amount of sperm in one man is enough to impregnate every fertile woman on the planet. One hell of a baby daddy.
Ride my bicycle
Calling all male cyclists! The pressure of your bicycle seat on your groin can permanently damage the vital nerves leading to your penis, resulting in erectile dysfunction. Save your boner, buy a longboard?
Pumpkin spice up your life
Not just for teenyboppers in the fall, but the smell of pumpkin has been shown to significantly increase blood flow to the penis. Would you like whipped cream with that?
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