By: William Li
Have you ever wanted to talk to your friends about obscure or unconventional sexual kinks but weren’t able to, because it felt weird or uncomfortable? The McMaster Sex-Posvitive Community is looking to change that, by providing students with a new, safe space to talk openly about sex and sexuality.
The McMaster Sex-Positive Community is aiming to fill a niche currently unoccupied by the McMaster Students Union. While the MSU provides services and resources for students, such as the Women and Gender Equity Network, the Queer Students Community Centre and the Student Health Education Centre, the McMaster Sex-Positive Community is a club geared towards promoting open discussion about sex and sexuality.
“Although you can totally walk into WGEN [or the QSCC or SHEC] and sit down and have a cool conversation with someone about sex for sure… I feel this is just a different way of approach because I feel like a lot of those services don’t touch on the more in-depth aspects of sexuality,” said Susie Ellis, club president and third-year Communications and Multimedia student.
“It’s like, yeah we can talk about sex, but what if you want to talk about a really specific kink [and] you’re like, ‘are people going to be okay to talk about this here?’ So I just want to create a space that’s open for people to just talk about whatever they’d like to regarding, specifically, the fun aspects of sex.”
Sex is still generally considered a taboo subject, especially when it comes to finer details and kinkier variants. However, the McMaster Sex-Positive Community is hoping that by promoting open discussion about sex and sexuality, they will normalize it, and thus make it easier for people to talk about sex and sexuality in a safe space.
“The more we talk about sex, sexuality, kink, anything related in that realm, it normalizes it, so when I talk to my friends about it… I find that it normalizes that conversation and allows people to bring up topics that they don’t think they might have been accepted to talk about… sex is normal and yeah, people should talk about it,” explained Ellis.
“This is a space where you can sort of get that off your chest and no one’s going to judge you about it, no matter what you say.”
Ellis grew up in a household open about sex and sexuality, and she eventually discovered the sex-blogging community in Toronto, after which she decided to start her own sex blog in order to vocalize her own thoughts on sex and sexuality. This led her to start up the McMaster Sex-Positive Community, which she hopes will provide other students with a similar opportunity to speak openly about sex and sexuality.
“Accept what you’re into, and if you feel any shame towards any of that stuff, come and talk to us and we can just have a conversation and create acceptance.”
Information regarding upcoming events can be found on the McMaster Sex-Positive Community’s Facebook page.
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Last week, I went to see one of the Honours Performance Series plays, Unoriginal Sin. In the director’s notes, they write, “While we know that this will be something that may cause you discomfort, our overall goal is to make you really consider your everyday views on sex.” I take this to be the thesis of their play, but I don’t think the play successfully achieved their goal. They also stated that they wanted to “tackle the subject of sex in our times as honestly and directly as possible,” and open a discussion about the “complexities” that sex brings to our lives. Unfortunately, the characters were shallow — almost all were essentially the same characters with only two notable outliers — and the “complexities” of sex were watered down to scenes of people making out and dancing together.
I can’t express enough how boring and unoriginal this play was. Not even the masturbation or kissing scenes piqued my interest — both of which were just meant to be shock factors rather than much of a plot point. The humour was very uninspired. When one of the characters (Dylan) is seen flipping through Tinder, he makes a lot of jokes about the app. His gripes are the usual: he doesn’t like when people use group photos as their display photo. Of course the audience laughed — the experience is relatable, and Dylan simply named off everyone’s problems with their Tinder experiences.
Then, there’s a strange, borderline problematic, line. In one scene, Amy and Kyle are on a date — Amy, begrudgingly; Kyle, excitedly — and Kyle spends the whole time trying to convince her to have a good time, and Amy is just bratty about it. Then, Kyle defends his intentions by saying, “when you meet a great girl you have to go after her,” and then calls Amy beautiful. So, how is she a great girl, again? All he knows about her is that she’s attractive. Now, I assume that this was meant to be a subversive part, but I think that that assumption grants the play too much credit.
What I found odd, most of all, was that being gay was either a punch line or a crowd pleaser. In one part of the play, two characters — named Kyle and Dylan — were talking about their plans for the evening, and Kyle made a joke about Dylan being on Tinder, Bumble … and then Grindr, which he and the audience chuckled about. What is the joke here? Is the joke that Dylan is gay? That he uses an app specifically for men who are gay? I don’t know why there was a pause to make it a joke, and I don’t know why the audience found it humorous.
The gay men were a strange piece of comic relief. Even at the end, when taking bows, they came out together with one hand on the other’s back. Why? For what? To continue to get the positive reaction they got when they had kissed on stage and everyone cheered?
Finally, I was confused about the costume design at the end of the play. Everyone was dressed in white. The associations with white are usually “purity,” and “virginity,” yet, at the end of the play, the virgin (Brooke) was no longer a virgin. When I asked one of the cast members what the directors’ intention was with this final costume, they were told that that was just the way it was, although the symbolism of the “pure” white clothing did not fit the tone of the play’s ending.
What I found odd, most of all, was that being gay was either a punch line or a crowd pleaser.
The best parts of the play were those without dialogue. So much more was said in these parts, and the plot moved quicker during the tableau-esque moments.
This play didn’t make me uncomfortable for the reasons they may think — it made me uncomfortable that I had to watch rehashed jokes on stage and listen to an audience laugh and laud about gay men just doing normal things that even heterosexual couples do.
As a final note: I would love to lend my copy of The History of Sexuality by Foucault to the directors.
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WARNING: This article contains graphic descriptions of rape and mention of suicide.
I was a Welcome Week representative in 2012, and I met John Doe*, a fellow rep, through some friends. We didn’t work directly together, but he hung out with us often. I thought he was funny, we had the same taste in music, but I never thought of him as anything more. My friends were close to him, and I liked my friends, so it all seemed great. It was after our fourth encounter with each other that he raped me.
It was the day of the Yates Cup. I had gone to a friend’s before the match for some drinks. I was happily drunk but felt the cold November wind hitting my cheeks as the game crept closer to half time. My friends texted me that they were at TwelvEighty and there was an extra seat for me.
As I entered TwelvEighty, I saw John and my friends. I had run out of money and waved my debit card around, asking for a drink. The bartender said that if I had no cash, I had to buy a pitcher in order to use my card. I did so and ended up drinking most of it.
John got up and stretched, and announced that he was going to go for a walk. I was beginning to feel nauseous and figured that joining him would be a good way to sober up. We walked until we found a stairwell. He sat on the stairwell while I fell on them. I remember his face getting closer to mine slowly. He kissed me and I could hear footsteps approaching. People passed by, the match was still going on. I felt exposed and uncomfortable.
I suggested to him that we should go into a private room. I wanted to talk and I wanted for us to be alone. I wasn’t thinking about kissing him more. To be honest, I genuinely wasn’t thinking about anything in particular, I was just drunk. I know I didn’t encourage him, but I clearly didn’t express myself as properly as I wished.
We went into a room in the arts quad basement. He turned off the light and I sat on the ground as standing had become too tricky.
He pulled his pants down and tried to shove himself into my mouth. I was frozen. Somewhere in the back of my mind the phrase “freeze, fight or flight” popped up, and I cursed myself for having the worst reaction.
“Get on that bench.” he said. At that point in time I was so dumbfounded that any short instruction seemed sensible. He pulled off my jeans. I realized what his intentions were, and mustered up the strength to cover myself with both of my hands and said loudly, “No. Stop. I don’t want to. No. Stop.”
I remember him pulling my hands away. He pressed his lips against mine, hard. I remember hearing him grunt, and the occasional loud cheer from TwelvEighty came through the walls. My insides were screaming for my body to get up, to punch, to do anything, but I was incapable of moving. I was scared of his strength. Not physical, as he was short and smaller than me, but his mental strength – the fact that he ignored my pleas frightened me.
Something began to buzz in the room: my friends whom I left outside at the game were attempting to find me. They kept calling. Eventually, he stopped. I had sobered up enough by then to hop off the piano bench, pull up my pants, pick up my phone. We left the room and he headed back to TwelvEighty while I made a beeline for MUSC. As I left he called out, “See you around, eh?”
Somewhere in the back of my mind the phrase “freeze, fight or flight” popped up, and I cursed myself for having the worst reaction.
I went to the Student Centre and ran into my friends. The shock settled in minutes after and I told my friends what had happened. They took me to Shoppers to buy a Plan B.
The next few days blurred together. I showered for 45 minutes washing every inch of my skin, hoping that the harder I scrubbed, the less dirty I’d feel. I couldn’t sleep. School didn’t matter. I lived off-campus and I would leave the house earlier because I didn’t want to face my parents.
I told my friends later on that day. It was confusing to them because they knew him for years. They said they believed me, but within that week they also told me that he made a mistake and they would remain friends with him.
John Doe called me the very next day and told me he knew I told our mutual friends, and that I was wrong. He declared he did have consent because I took him to the private room. A few days after this, I was with a friend, who was also a good friend of John Doe, but was supporting me during this time. John Doe called me, and I put it on speaker so she could hear what he was saying. He warned me again not to tell anyone, and claimed I was being ridiculous. “Am I always supposed to ask a girl if she wants to have sex with me?” he said in a sarcastic tone. I was stunned. His friend looked at me with an unfathomable expression. I hung up.
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My close friends were trying to convince me to report him, but even I was confused as to whether this was rape or not.
I even went to my old high school and confronted two of my closest teachers about what had happened. It hurt me to tell my friends and teachers. I’d see their faces register shock, worry, sadness, frustration, but I didn’t know what else to do. It felt as though I had such a big weight on my shoulders, and it had become too much for me to carry it by myself. I had to tell people who knew who I really was, who knew me before this happened, so I could cling onto my sense of self.
However, I also told people I regret telling. I shared what had happened with friends I wasn’t really close with. At the time, I thought that telling people would help bring some sense into this situation. However, the thoughts some shared with me confused me even more:
“Well, you did tell him to go into that room with you…”
“You were really drunk…”
“You are a super friendly person, so he just mistook that as flirting…”
“I’m not sure if this is considered rape because you probably enjoyed yourself once you started having sex, right?”
Another friend approached me at university one day and handed me a brochure explaining rape and that was when it finally clicked for me. I was raped. Some of my other close friends encouraged me to attend counselling, but it wasn’t until I saw the brochure that I did.
When telling the police, I had to replay every single thing in my mind. It felt like picking at the scabs of a wound that was trying to heal. We had to figure out how long John Doe and I were in the private room, and calculated that I was raped for 45 minutes.
Two weeks after the incident, I went to see a counsellor in the Student Wellness Centre. My counsellor was nice enough but I felt rushed having to explain what had happened within my 30-minute time slot. It took me 10 minutes to stop crying. She referred me to the hospital and I headed there after my appointment.
Because I didn’t go there straightaway and had showered after being raped, they could not get his semen off my body. Instead, I underwent a physical exam and a mini counselling session. They took my urine sample and I had to take a pregnancy test. Afterwards, they gave me a handful of crushed up pills and water, telling me that these would wipe out any sort of STDs I could have contracted from him.
Within a month after it happened, I attempted suicide. To summarize it all into one sentence: I felt like a failure, like a used up rag that needed to be disposed. I am grateful that it was a botched attempt, and that I had friends around me who let me talk to them openly about it and made me realize it was not the way out.
One month after being raped, I contacted the city’s Sexual Assault unit and talked to a police officer on the phone. We arranged for them to meet me at a friend’s house, where they would interview me and fill out a report. At the time, that was the hardest thing I had to go through. When I told my friends or teachers what had happened, I was able to skip some parts. I was able to provide a summary. When telling the police, I had to replay every single thing in my mind. It felt like picking at the scabs of a wound that was trying to heal. We had to figure out how long John Doe and I were in the private room, and calculated that I was raped for 45 minutes.
I ended up going to the police station about a week afterwards and had an interview with the police. He said he met with John Doe and spoke with him. He asked if I wanted to take this to court, and added that it would take one year. I turned it down. I didn’t want this to drag on. Because I said no, it only says on John Doe’s profile that he was questioned for rape, but that’s it. The police officer patted me on the shoulder as I was leaving and said, “Take care of yourself. Next time, try not to get yourself into this sort of situation, like the drinking...”
The following summer, I found out that John Doe was going to be a Welcome Week rep again. I contacted friends involved with Welcome Week and was referred to the Office of Student Conduct. I went to their office and told them everything. They informed me that had I approached them right after it had happened, they could have done more. John Doe could have faced more serious consequences. I had no idea that I could have approached the Student Conduct Office. I wish I had known, and hope that more information is given to first years about it now.
The office asked me if I could provide a witness. I immediately thought of his close friend that overheard our phone call after it happened. I messaged her and explained the situation. She sent back a lengthy response, acknowledging that she heard what John Doe said, but that she wouldn’t be able to be a witness for me. She added that I seemed to be holding a grudge and keeping in some pent-up anger. She then closed the message saying that her and other friends were also upset about what happened, but they found ways to move on. Her closing sentence was wishing me all the best. I was disgusted, and still am as I type this.
I showed the office the message, and since she acknowledged what John Doe had said, that was all he needed. He told me that he would meet with John Doe and that he would be monitored at all times during Welcome Week. He also said that John Doe wasn’t allowed to approach me on campus, and that I could call security if he did. While that was comforting, that wasn’t the point of my actions. I didn’t want him to harm anyone ever again, especially first year students.
The conduct officer advised me to go to the Human Rights and Equity office, which I did. I met with someone who was extremely nice and warm. It was comforting to open up to such a wonderful person. She informed me of an upcoming event SACHA, the Sexual Assault Center for the Hamilton Area, was hosting at Mac, which was aimed towards friends of sexual assault victims. I attended the session with one of my great friends.
After being raped by someone who I thought was my friend, the most difficult part was letting go of my friends who still supported him. It genuinely crushed me to have my friends tell me they still considered John Doe a friend. One friend messaged me an apology this spring, saying that she finally sees how horrible John Doe is, and that she will always regret not supporting me. Her message was what I had wanted for so long, but when she finally sent it to me, it had lost its value. I had to go through the rest of my undergrad avoiding my Welcome Week friends and certain parts of MUSC where they hung out.
I would think about it at least once every single day for the first year. I would find myself taking the car and driving to a random parking lot to break down and cry without any interruptions. I’d cringe every time I heard a rape joke, pretend I wasn’t affected while inwardly accepting the fact that the joke would stay in my mind for the rest of the day. I began to join numerous clubs and kept busy. I picked up more shifts at work to avoid being home.
Some days, I would have such a good time with friends that it wouldn’t be until I went to bed that I finally realized I hadn’t thought about it all day. I learned to congratulate myself with every little step towards improvement. I dread November a little less now. I didn’t have sex again until a year and a half later. When I did, and I realized it is still pleasurable, I was elated. John Doe may have become the focus of my life and taken things away from me, but this was not one of them.
Sometimes there are setbacks, though. I recently went home with someone and was triggered by the sexual position he wanted us to be in. I ended up crying in his arms. I was lucky because he was kind and understanding. I am now seeking counselling.
Less than two weeks ago, a good friend of mine approached me and told me she had been raped. She brought a guy home who asked her if she wanted to have sex. When she said no, he proceeded regardless. As she was telling me what had happened, I was trying to control my emotions, to be her rock. But how could this have happened? How could someone assault such a kind-hearted human being? What had she done to deserve this? I felt heartbroken all over again.
While I will never be able to fully understand what she’s going through, it’s safe to say that I have a general idea. The pain from being in the position of a victim’s friend was different, but still prominent.
These situations made me realize how often people question what rape really is. I now know that, put simply, it is any form of sexual activity with another person without their consent is sexual assault.
The statistics are disgusting: one in four women in North America will be raped. While the media normally reports rapists as being strangers in parking lots (which does happen often, unfortunately), that is not true for the majority of rapists. 80 percent of the time, your rapist is someone you know. It’s a close friend, or acquaintance, or family member.
I hope people can learn from the experience I’ve had dealing with this crime on campus. There are resources on campus to approach and consult if you have had a similar experience, but it still isn’t enough. If you have been in a similar situation, please contact the Human Rights and Equity Services department at the university.
*Name has been changed.
The author of this article has asked to remain anonymous. If you have any questions, email thesil@thesil.ca.
RESOURCES ON AND OFF CAMPUS
If you or someone you know is in need of a support service, below is a listing of local centres that are able to provide a variety of services and couselling.
On campus
Human Rights and Equity Services
Provides confidential complaint resolution according to the University’s Sexual Harassment Policies.
(905) 525-9140 x. 27581
hres@mcmaster.ca
Meaghan Ross, Sexual Violence Response Coordinator
(905) 525-9140 x. 20909
rossm4@mcmaster.ca
Student Wellness Centre
Provides a wide range of counselling options and medical services and testing.
(905) 525-9140 x. 27700
wellness@mcmaster.ca
WGEN
Provides confidential support for all victims of sexual assault.
(905) 525-9140 x. 20265
wgen@msu.mcmaster.ca
SHEC
Provides confidential peer support, referrals on and off campus, anonymous and confidential pregnancy testing.
(905) 525-9140 x. 22041
shec@msu.mcmaster.ca
Off campus
SACHA
Provides a 24-hour support line, counselling services and public education.
(905) 525-4573
(905) 525-4162 (24-hour Support Line)
Hamilton General Hospital, Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence Care Centre
Provides a 24-hour support line, counselling services and public education.
(905) 521-2100 x. 73557
sadvcarecentre@hhsc.ca
Hamilton Police Services
Takes crime reports from city constituents.
(905) 546-4925
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In the year 2016, companies continue to put new products onto shelves that are distinctly marketed for specific genders. Obviously, this is problematic for many reasons.
For one, unnecessarily gendered products avouch the gender binary. Today, men and women live very similar lives. We grow up together, attend the same universities and work in the same offices. There are few distinctions that require us to constantly think about how our gender dictates our role in society.
But when products that we use in our daily lives fall into two distinct categories, we are reminded that society really does see important differences between male and female. Affirming this gender binary becomes very problematic for those who don’t fit into it. With the silent assimilation of these products onto the shelves of our local stores, we render those who reside outside the typical gender binary invisible.
Obviously, these types of products are most impactful on those whose assigned gender at birth do not conform to their identity. However, it’s a problem for everyone else as well. From what we wear to how we move and talk, we make efforts to act in gendered ways in order to conform to what is expected of us, forcing ourselves to fit into the binary and reinforcing needless stereotypes that further make it difficult for those who do not identify with a certain gender. Often, gendered products not only reinforce the binary, but also suggest that women and men are expected to play unequal roles in society. Consider toys for children: girls are dentists’ assistants and boys are dentists; girls are princesses and men are kings.
In addition, there is a financial disparity that results due to gendered products. While it could be (wrongfully) argued that these products are only things for “emotionally sensitive” people to fuss over, there are real-world consequences as well. It has often been shown that the masculine and feminine version of a product are not priced the same. Typically, the one marketed towards women is more expensive. Due to the distinctions between even the most benign products (e.g. razors), it slowly becomes engrained within shoppers that there is a “right” product for them, that it makes sense to shell out more money to buy a product that most suits their needs as either male or female. However, this is but a marketing ploy; realistically, there are no differences between the two products. Women are therefore paying more for products that aren’t much different besides being the colour pink.
In truth, unnecessarily gendered products are as problematic as they are dumb. Companies often employ the excuse that gendered products are beneficial to shoppers because men and women are fundamentally different. For instance, many of these products advertise that the version for women is smaller than the one for men in order to fit women better. Gendered ear plugs are a prime example of this.
Again, this is an issue for many people who do not fall into the two distinct categorizations. Moreover, to argue against the reasoning behind these products, it would make more sense to create earbuds of various sizes and let the buyer decide what is the best for them instead of making assumptions on their behalf. Gendering ear plugs and having the distinction be “smaller for women, larger for men” is a vast generalization. These types of products make larger women or smaller men feel invisible. In a society that already pushes for women to be small and dainty, we don’t need earbuds to reinforce this outdated notion. The same goes for the stereotypes we perpetuate against men. Companies need to start catching up with the times and realize that what they may think as harmless marketing tactics do cause very real and upsetting ripples in the world they create their products for.
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McMaster’s Human Rights and Equity Services has just launched the university’s first-ever Sexual Violence Response Protocol.
Spearheaded by Meaghan Ross, the recently hired Sexual Violence Response Coordinator, the protocol is an effort to provide university staff and community members with the information needed when accepting a disclosure about sexual, gender-based or other related violence.
“The response protocol is really about ensuring that survivors who have experienced violence receive a consistent response and a response that is survivor-centered,” said Ross.
The SVRP was developed through two primary initiatives — the work of the Anti-Violence network as well as a joint program between the Sexual Assault Centre of Hamilton and the YWCA, which involved research on current disclosure responses on campus.
“We know that it’s been people’s experiences [on campus] that when they disclose instances of gender-based violence that they could get really good responses or they could unfortunately get very victim or survivor-blaming responses. So it’s meant to provide some clear guidelines about ways to be more consistent in providing responses that really honor what those survivors are saying,” she said.
The protocol was officially implemented at the end of November with the launch of a website outlining its details as well as references and HRES contact information.
The website also includes a series of important definitions of terms like sexual violence, gender-based violence and survivor-driven response, that are meant to give community members a better understanding of the disclosures they may receive and how to react to them.
The protocol itself has nine bullet-pointed concrete commitments including a “highest priority on survivor safety and ensuring that the campus is welcoming, safe and inclusive for all members of our community” and “Communicating that sexual violence is not — and will not be — tolerated and will be actively addressed on an ongoing basis.”
Ross explained that in particular there were two parts of the protocol that she was impassioned about discussing and including: confidentiality limits and creating a non-judgemental space.
“We know that survivors have come forward to speak to make disclosures, but they haven’t always been informed about what the person receiving the disclosure’s confidentiality limits are. And the difficult thing about that is that survivors start to tell their stories and they don’t know where that information might go,” she said.
Limits of confidentiality refers to the fact that not every community member has been trained to safe-guard the information they have been provided, and may feel the need to share the information they have been told with someone else who can then in turn deal with the disclosure. Both Ross and the website explained that if someone is coming to you with a disclosure, you need to make it clear to them that their words will remain confidential.
“Folks need to be aware of their limits, and if they have questions about that or they are worried about that then I have a very high level of confidentiality so they can refer it to me,” said Ross.
In terms of creating a non-judgmental space, Ross and HRES want to ensure that those receiving disclosures are not asking any leading questions, or providing inappropriate advice or comments.
“So folks aren’t asking questions about what the survivor did or didn’t do, or making any sort of assumptions about that. And that they also are not providing advice … it really needs to be about the survivor and what makes sense to them,” said Ross.
Ross and HRES will be hosting three information sessions about the SVRP during the upcoming week: Dec. 7 at 12:30 p.m. in MUSC 224 and 5:30 p.m. in MUSC 313, and Dec. 9 at 3:30 p.m. in MUSC 224.
The protocol and its corresponding website are both very comprehensive and its existence is a formidable step for McMaster as an inclusive and understanding community.
“It signals a good moment in McMaster’s history, that we’re really saying that we have a commitment to survivors,” said Ross.
“It’s a really good starting place that the university has this commitment.”
Photo Credit: svrp.mcmaster.ca
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It’s clear that the year old MSU Women & Gender Equity Network is settling comfortably into the fabrics of the campus. From November 16 to 20 WGEN ran a weeklong campaign for Trans Visibility Week. Events revolved around awareness, acceptance and the promotion of open discussion.
Hayley Regis, WGEN coordinator, is enthusiastic about the support.
“Last year we ran a little event on trans visibility, trans programs and trans rights, but that was only a pilot. This year we wanted to do something on a larger scale,” she said.
The week opened with events like Trans Archive and mini information sessions geared towards teaching people how to be better allies.
“I want people to know what trans is,” explained Regis. “I did Welcome Week training and a lot of people didn’t know that being trans is not a sexuality. We want to be able to explain things to people who have never been exposed to this kind of stuff before, making it accessible while still doing advocacy.”
Monday ended with a screening of the Marsha P. Johnson documentary ‘Pay It No Mind.’ This is not the only movie made in the name of revolutionary trans activist Johnson; The 2015 film Stonewall has been critiqued for promoting cis-whitewashing, a topic of conversation that came up in the discussion period after the viewing. “A lot of people who came out were already engaged in conversations about trans identity,” gearing the event more to those already immersed and familiar with the community.
Wednesday’s activities largely revolved around self-care, with activities such as yoga and a storytelling circle. Friday featured a talk with a talk from keynote speaker Dr. Carys Masserella. Dr. Masserella leads the team of physicians at the Quest Community Health Centre, a care clinic specifically for transfolk located in St. Catherine’s.
“I think people from a lot of different areas of McMaster would be interested in seeing a talk by someone that works as a doctor but works as a doctor that runs one of the only specialized clinics in Canada.”
The week ended with a vigil for those who have passed in acts of hate and anti-trans violence. Candles were decorated in the WGEN office before hand, sparkles and markers strewn about by those who walked in to show their support.
Moving forward, Regis hopes to have similar events sprinkled throughout the year.
“While we have the underying rhetoric of supporting survivors and transfolk and anyone really, we are working towards showing that more outwardly.”
Downsizing to a single day or hour of events instead of a whole week would allow for more frequent events as well as the potential for repetition of the events that garnered the most support. For Regis, she would love to see have another viewing of ‘Pay It Forward,” her favourite event in what was a successful week of advocacy by WGEN.
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Anyone who has ever had a roommate has probably encountered that awkward moment when you want a little “private time” but your roommate is either in the room or in close proximity to it. When the mood hits and I want to settle down with one of my vibrators, I often find myself focused on where my roommate is and whether or not she can hear the buzzing, rather than the pleasantries going on between my legs.
I’m not a prude at all, but since childhood, I, and most other women, have been inundated with the paradox that women are simultaneously supposed to be sexual beings and lack sexual knowledge. These ideas have somehow manifested themselves in the way that women masturbate. I’m speaking directly about women because a) it’s harder for women who use toys to be quiet compared to men who prefer manual stimulation and b) men have fewer sexual expectations thrust upon them (no pun intended). We have all had that childhood conversation about masturbating where one or more of your friends denied ever doing it, claiming that it was gross, while those same conversations in groups of male friends resulted in high fives and trading secrets.
Why? I personally love orgasms and masturbating. Being a lesbian, getting in touch with my body allows me to be better in bed. It also allows me to feel more confident about myself. The more comfortable I am with all parts of my body, the less shame I feel about it. I own six vibrators, and one of my favourite places to go shopping is an adult store. For me, buying a new sex toy is like Christmas morning, but the fear of my roommate overhearing me masturbate really puts a damper on the whole hot and bothered mood.
It’s time to put the shame to bed, turn up the vibrator to the highest speed, and moan away. If you’re a vocal person, it can be hard to feel comfortable when you don’t live alone, but not accepting this taboo that has been forced on us is the first step towards satisfaction. It’s hard to completely let loose and enjoy yourself when you have one ear on the other side of the door. If you do find it hard to get off when your roommate or parents are home, try the shower, non-battery-operated toys, or go old-school and get reintroduced to your hand.
Solo time should be between you, your body, and whatever medium you decide. Clit stimulator, rabbit, suction dildo, g-spot vibrator, external, internal, bullet, whatever your vibrator preferences are, I hope that you’ll let it buzz loud and proud and have the orgasm of your life.
Ana Qarri
Staff Reporter
Have you ever asked someone if they’re a virgin?
I have, and in hindsight, I have a really hard time justifying why. Why did I feel the need to know if someone identified as a “virgin”? Why was this essential information necessary to help carry me forward in my daily life? Why did I care?
The short answer is that I didn’t. The long answer is that I didn’t know I didn’t care. I thought I cared. I thought the notion of virginity was legitimate and important and a great indicator of someone’s sexual experience (because you should definitely inquire about that)!
Different people have differing opinions around virginity, whether being a virgin is a good thing or a bad thing, a respectable thing or an immoral thing, a choice or a responsibility. The majority of people have some sort of opinion about virginity even if that opinion is “I don’t give a rat’s ass.”
The notion of virginity is often talked about in social circles, most of the time in extremely problematic ways. Even the people that “don’t care” are contributing to the larger problem that the notion of virginity has created with their indifference.
Virginity is an outdated concept rooted in myths and sexism and heteronormativity. It has perpetuated a culture of inequality and exclusivity that we’re trying to leave behind.
Somewhere along the way, virginity became a concept used to shame girls for their sexual lives. It implied that having sex was a life-changing experience, a loss of innocence and purity. The concept has contributed to centuries of oppression against women and has been used to justify innumerable instances of violence. It has perpetuated the idea that women’s bodies aren’t their own and has been used to constantly police them.
It’s essential to address the main myth associated with virginity for people assigned female at birth. Unfortunately for the famous euphemism, there ain’t no cherry to pop. Vaginal penetration doesn’t fully tear the hymen as this deceptive phrase would lead you to believe. Yes, you’ve been deceived your whole life, but that’s okay. Take comfort in the fact that this isn’t the only thing our society has lied to you about. Hymens are as diverse as people – they come in different thicknesses and levels of elasticity, as well as different sizes of openings. Sometimes vaginal penetration just makes the opening a little bigger and sometimes it doesn’t. The idea that we can physically tell whether someone is a virgin by examining them physically is, therefore, anatomically inaccurate.
Anatomy aside though, as the concept of virginity was sustained by these false facts and a deeply engrained misogyny in a patriarchal society, it is now serving to sustain these outdates ideas even though our society’s moral progress is to a better place (for the most part). We’re becoming more accepting of queer communities – or, at the very least, we tolerate them – and we try to create spaces where people who have been oppressed feel safer.
Virginity is a concept that very blatantly promotes the very opposite of that. Discussions around queer sexuality have complicated our definitions of sex, exposing some undeniable flaws with our notion of virginity. Queer people might not have sex or even think of sex the way a heterosexual, gender-conforming couple does. A queer person might not identify a “virgin,” but in a heteronormative context, they would be. These invalidations of sexual experiences can be harmful and pose serious threats to our ultimate goal of universal inclusivity. It can be difficult for queer people to even know how to categorize themselves in the first place, creating unnecessary confusion around a concept with a history of oppression.
Virginity places too much importance on having or lacking a sexual life. It pushes some people to the outside and it oppresses others inside. It creates problematic links between virginity and masculinity, or virginity and gender inequity.
The notion of virginity promotes values of a society that our society no longer aims to resemble. It is clinging on to an oppressive past, to lack of sex positivity and education, and it’s about time we left it behind.
Jennifer Bacher
The Silhouette
For the past week I have had the pleasure of trying out a dating app called Tinder. Tinder uses your Facebook information along with your location to match you with potential people in your location.
It shows your likes and five chosen photos from Facebook along with your age. Users can then set the minimum and maximum age, gender and the maximum radial distance away from their potential matches.
After the initial set up, you are then matched with people in your area and a simple “swipe” game of what is essentially “hot or not” begins. A match is made when both parties swipe a yes to each other, after which you are then allowed to chat with that person. What happens from there is up to you.
At first I was taken back from the over simplicity and vanity of Tinder but essentially this is what happens in any bar, club or party. You judge a person on their looks first, and if you say you don’t, you’re just lying to yourself.
Is it right? No, but it’s the truth. You “check out” first and if you like what you see, you go over and talk. If they do not return the attention, it’s over. This is exactly what Tinder is without the awkward denial.
Some words of advice for those of you who wish to use Tinder to find a hook-up (or relationship, miracles do happen):
Rick Kanary
The Silhouette
It was 1993 and I was just turning 18 years old.
I began my first experience with post-secondary education in the esteemed Theater Arts program at the University of Toronto in Mississauga on the Erindale campus.
I was unprepared for the torrent of experience that awaited me. As a member of the enriched program (“brainer” in bully terms) I had spent most of my formative high school years in self-imposed, relative seclusion. I was particularly sheltered since my saint-of-a-mother was incredibly protective of her youngest son. And now, here I was, cut loose to explore the wilderness and free to choose whatever path I wanted.
While you would assume intelligence and critical thinking come hand in hand, I beg to differ. Intelligence is not wisdom. Wisdom comes from a coalescence of the reasoning mind and emotional mind. For me, the latter was overwhelmed. I made a series of poor choices that resulted in getting kicked out of UTM. I responded by applying to Ryerson the following year, and I was accepted, only to repeat the same cycle in an amplified fashion.
Being kicked out of Ryerson didn’t phase me. I was invincible. “I’ll just apply to another school,” I told myself, and I did. George Brown Theater School was my next victim, except they couldn’t see through the finely constructed veneer and accepted me as well. Needless to say, this was another recycling of the same broken bottle.
Sparing you the gritty details, alcohol and drugs became my primary institution. This is why I feel compelled to dig my hands into the rich soil in which I hope this article will influence you to sow your seeds. This repetitive chaos was directly correlated to a lack of balance between my personal life and school life. I could issue a ticker tape parade of post-it notes, each with their own excuse, as to why I made such poor decisions, but this would serve no purpose to you or me. The bottom line is that, as undergraduates, we are exposed to more than just a wealth of valuable knowledge with which we can achieve excellence and create lasting change in the world. We are exposed to a yawning abyss of gratification as well: sex, drugs and rock n’ roll.
Do not mistake this missive as a direct assault on the fun you can have during your years here. I drink. I smoke weed. Hell, dive in and have one for me. I’m no square, baby. I spent more than a decade in a Hunter S. Thompson abstract, yet, here I am enjoying a wonderful undergraduate experience, determined to have a serious impact on my community. But I am one of the lucky ones.
I hope to reach that part of you that knows what you want out of this life, even if it is only a fleeting glimpse in your most perfect moment. I implore you to ask yourself when you look into the mirror, “Can I live with the choices that I am making?”
“Am I sharing my gifts with the world?”
“Is this who I really am?”
Hopefully you can wholeheartedly embrace that person looking back at you, including the decisions and choices that have been made. Hopefully this embrace brings a warm, comforted smile to your face. In the hectic and white-tipped rapids that are the life of an undergrad, it can be very easy to get caught in the undertow and begin to compromise your morals. You will be faced with choices that will challenge your values. The types of choices that you could regret making and would hurt those you hold most dear. Just remember not to lose sight of your goals, your family, and especially, yourself. If you hesitate to answer the aforementioned questions with a smooth and transparent “yes”, it might be time to circle the wagons and connect with those you love, and those who you know love you.
