How outright and subliminal misogyny in mainstream “self-help” media is taking the fun out of casual dating
By Cassie Wong-Wylie, Contributor
Navigating sexual shame as a girl, teen and, now, a young woman is something that is a very much shared and lived experience for the gross majority of women. Personally, I remember feeling a lot of shame about my sexuality from other women. It was easy to feel less judgment from men who were drawn to sexual prowess.
Fast forward to today, when I now feel relatively secure in my embodied sexuality and work hard to omit shame from my sex life, I find fellowship and power when talking about sexuality with other women. This shift, however, has also come with newfound obstacles. I began to encounter men who view sex as a physical actualization of sexist societal values and their sexual pursuits sought to secure their place as the apex, “alpha”, sex.
I cannot tell if it was my aging that revealed these sorts of men or the landscape around me that caused them to emerge. A landscape that is directly regressive to gender equality and emphatically contributes to homophobia, transphobia, female subjugation and by extension, sexual subjugation. This is namely, the chokehold that right-winged, misogynistic, “personal-growth gurus” like Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson seem to have on boys and young men via social media platforms.
Dating, sex, relationships and general social interactions have changed since the fanaticism, or even just subliminal influence, of the macho-hustle mentality and with it, a new wave of outright misogyny. I can say confidently I have met the men I once thought only existed as hyperbolized wisecracks and parodies of pathetically insecure men my friends and I would joke about. After having met these caricatures, I believe the sensationalized Tate brothers, Jordan Peterson and other men who nonchalantly front self-help through avenues of female subjugation have ruined dating.
This isn’t to say all men have been corrupted by this influence. However, with how influential this mentality has become, I see myself on a night out or a first date dreading that a guy might secretly revere a “boom in her face, grab her neck, shut her up” pseudo-mantra, just to quote one instance where Tate quite literally encourages sexual violence.
It's crazy to be talking to a man and suddenly, with just the slightest reference or name drop to the Tates, you realize he probably thinks you shouldn’t even be speaking when not spoken to. Additionally, having to psychoanalyze everything in a conversation and constantly trying to read between the lines has impeded playful banter. I also admit to the very embarrassing example of when a man says, “I love Jordan Peterson” and I agree, thinking we are being flirtatiously sarcastic, only to realize he is being totally serious when he asks me what the word ‘misogyny’ means.
Even beyond the sphere of conversation in dating, sex and sexual shame has also been impacted by masculinist gurus. The age-old conversation of how the porn industry normalizes and fetishizes aspects of sexual violence and female subjugation for the male gaze has now been superseded by Tate’s direct normalization and advocation for female sexual degradation and abuse.
Even men who do not ascribe to these channels and condemn the figureheads are not immune to the subliminal domination sex “commands”. Though it may not swing to the extremes, just ask the people in your life their thoughts about choking or a hand on her throat during foreplay and I bet you would be shocked by the number of people who say it’s so normal that it’s almost obligatory. Now, while that might not be directly oppressive, it still contributes to a culture focusing on male domination in the bedroom.
Although male domination during sex may simply be just a social symptom of millennia of patriarchy, celebrities who are deified based on upholding repressive values will have further impacts. Who's to say what the next version of the playful choke is? With pop culture becoming radicalized, I wouldn’t doubt overt, sexual and non-consensual male domination to follow suit, particularly as the young generations of TikTok kids become sexually active.
This isn’t to say that dating, men or sex need to be sworn off. Although the dating field has changed and new litmus tests for partners are required, I try not to allow advances from men who gain security in their lives by denigrating women’s autonomy as the oppressive force it aims to be. Instead, I hope to find renewed communion with women and establish strongholds of support as we are forced to fortify our status as equally alpha. Ultimately, I hope we all find refuge from sexual shame in each other, and not in a hollow, Tate-esc cult of personality.
cw: misogyny
By Roba Dekamo, Contributor
Most people experience some level of privilege based on a combination of characteristics society considers integral to who you are. Some factors that influence privilege include your race, socio-economic status, sexual orientation, gender identity. Based on these characteristics, your life will be harder or easier, and unfortunately you don’t get a say in the matter. Many folks are able to live easier lives due to privilege. For example, white folks are less likely to be pulled over while driving and men are less likely to be targets of sexual violence. However, one privilege I never considered, likely because doing so would contradict its very nature, is the ability to forget.
A friend of mine invited me to take part in McMaster University’s Mens’ Walk in Solidarity with the the National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women. As we made our way through campus, we stopped at four memorial sites: the Student Memorial Garden, Nina de Villiers Rose Garden, the Montreal Massacre Commemorative Stone and the Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women Memorial. During one stop, a group member reminded us of how frequently we may pass by these sites, often daily, without giving them much thought. He defined this as “the privilege to forget”.
This isn’t to say men are dismissive of acts of gender-based violence and their impacts, but to say that, as cisgender straight men, many of us don’t have to carry the weight of our very safety being threatened on the basis of gender. Therefore, we can either consciously or unconsciously ignore the realities that women and non-binary folks face on a daily basis in terms of their physical security.
My daily decisions aren’t impacted by the threat of violence because I am a man. I don’t consider how late I can stay on campus if I am not walking home with friends. I don’t prioritize being aware of my environment or worry about who I’m surrounded by when I am out dancing. The women in my life can’t say the same.
While walking through campus with my mom, she helped me realize how easily I am able to forget. We crossed paths with a few friends and when one of them, a female engineering student, stated her program, she was met with all the affection I had come to expect from my mom but with one additional praise I didn’t anticipate: she called her brave. She cited the events of Dec. 6, 1989, the École Polytechnique massacre, where a man killed 14 women in a horrible act of misogyny because he said they were “feminists” for being in engineering. My mom reassured this young woman that her decision was hers to make, and that by defying gender norms she had been brave and made at least one mom proud. I’m sure her own mother was also very proud but unfortunately we are still waiting on a quote from her.
My mom found my friend brave for pursuing her passion, for choosing a field of study dominated by men and for doing what she wanted regardless of the standards. Brave for doing what men consider normal. This was another reminder of my privilege to be able to dismiss the concerns that women often have to take into account when making decisions. Will I feel safe and comfortable in this space? Welcomed or alienated? Is the discomfort worth pursuing something I want? I never had to face these questions when weighing my options in high school.
I remember a time in my first year when five women I was friends with mentioned that they always felt better when I joined them on late night escapades to find a kegger or backyard party. I was taken aback by the statement, not just because I’m built like a determined toothpick but because I never considered my physical safety to be in jeopardy by simply being out at night. To be fair, this anecdote isn’t as much about forgetting as it is about learning, but even beyond this experience years ago, these thoughts don’t occupy mind nearly as much as I’d argue they should.
I learned a lot from those friends and they helped me realize a few things: my understanding of the world was very limited and I had a lot to learn, but also we as a society need to share more. Sharing the burden of repairing broken systems and perceptions, but also sharing our experiences to help inform and educate each other about things some individuals may never experience themselves.
Violence against women and gender-nonconforming people exists 365 days of the year, at a rate drastically higher than men experience. This allows a lot of male identifying folks the luxury of tuning out the subject for 364 of those days, and acknowledging its significance as it arises, be it a news article, story from a friend or national observance.
Year round, men need to ask more often, listen more intently and genuinely care for what women and non-binary folks have to say about these issues. We can use each others’ experiences to learn a lot about the things we can never experience ourselves and hopefully this can help change the ways we think and act for the better.
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In the year 2016, companies continue to put new products onto shelves that are distinctly marketed for specific genders. Obviously, this is problematic for many reasons.
For one, unnecessarily gendered products avouch the gender binary. Today, men and women live very similar lives. We grow up together, attend the same universities and work in the same offices. There are few distinctions that require us to constantly think about how our gender dictates our role in society.
But when products that we use in our daily lives fall into two distinct categories, we are reminded that society really does see important differences between male and female. Affirming this gender binary becomes very problematic for those who don’t fit into it. With the silent assimilation of these products onto the shelves of our local stores, we render those who reside outside the typical gender binary invisible.
Obviously, these types of products are most impactful on those whose assigned gender at birth do not conform to their identity. However, it’s a problem for everyone else as well. From what we wear to how we move and talk, we make efforts to act in gendered ways in order to conform to what is expected of us, forcing ourselves to fit into the binary and reinforcing needless stereotypes that further make it difficult for those who do not identify with a certain gender. Often, gendered products not only reinforce the binary, but also suggest that women and men are expected to play unequal roles in society. Consider toys for children: girls are dentists’ assistants and boys are dentists; girls are princesses and men are kings.
In addition, there is a financial disparity that results due to gendered products. While it could be (wrongfully) argued that these products are only things for “emotionally sensitive” people to fuss over, there are real-world consequences as well. It has often been shown that the masculine and feminine version of a product are not priced the same. Typically, the one marketed towards women is more expensive. Due to the distinctions between even the most benign products (e.g. razors), it slowly becomes engrained within shoppers that there is a “right” product for them, that it makes sense to shell out more money to buy a product that most suits their needs as either male or female. However, this is but a marketing ploy; realistically, there are no differences between the two products. Women are therefore paying more for products that aren’t much different besides being the colour pink.
In truth, unnecessarily gendered products are as problematic as they are dumb. Companies often employ the excuse that gendered products are beneficial to shoppers because men and women are fundamentally different. For instance, many of these products advertise that the version for women is smaller than the one for men in order to fit women better. Gendered ear plugs are a prime example of this.
Again, this is an issue for many people who do not fall into the two distinct categorizations. Moreover, to argue against the reasoning behind these products, it would make more sense to create earbuds of various sizes and let the buyer decide what is the best for them instead of making assumptions on their behalf. Gendering ear plugs and having the distinction be “smaller for women, larger for men” is a vast generalization. These types of products make larger women or smaller men feel invisible. In a society that already pushes for women to be small and dainty, we don’t need earbuds to reinforce this outdated notion. The same goes for the stereotypes we perpetuate against men. Companies need to start catching up with the times and realize that what they may think as harmless marketing tactics do cause very real and upsetting ripples in the world they create their products for.
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I breathed a sigh of relief Sunday night. Leonardo DiCaprio has officially received his Oscar. You may have seen the deluge of memes, gifs, and video compilations all protesting his lack of Academy recognition. I have never seen the Internet collectively want something so badly. “Please God,” I said, eyes skyward, “let this be the last I hear about how mean the Academy has been to little Leo.”
Don’t get me wrong, I think DiCaprio is a brilliant actor, but in a year that the Oscars have been boycotted for being unapologetically and overwhelmingly white, all the fanfare surrounding one white dude left a bad taste in my mouth. Now that we can all sleep soundly knowing Leo has finally made his parents proud, the time has come to stop praising white guys for things that the rest of us do without fanfare. Here to help is my list of five places to start:
1) Winning awards
Yeah, we get it. White guys are good at being awarded stuff. When almost everyone winning an award looks pretty much the same, why are we still excited over a predictable result? Things may be looking up; I take solace in the fact that the proposed scholarship intended for white heterosexual people at the University of Western and the University of Windsor was struck down by the Ontario Superior Court last week. Progress.
2) Stay at home dads
Or for that matter, Dads who help with parenting at all. You do not get brownie points for doing things that women have been obliged to do for centuries. Frankly, I don’t care if you are overcoming gender stigma to be an effective parent, because you are not the only one doing so (see also: single mothers). Dads who change diapers are not heroes for dealing with the same crap we do.
3) Embracing their dad bods
Look, I am all for body positivity. Regardless of who you are, you deserve to feel happy in your skin. However, I am pissed that when people of color and women accept (or even dare to celebrate) their appearances it is considered egotistical and vain, while when white dads do it, it is amusing and charming. Congratulations on inviting yourselves to the feminist body positivity party, just don’t expect me to be ecstatic when you are praised for arriving late and partying harder than we do.
4) Not being sexist/racist/etc.
I’m looking at you Matt McGorry. If this list were in any meaningful order, this would be number one. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen men praised for simply not being the-biggest-douche-to-ever-douche. I absolutely refuse to praise you for not using that racist word, I won’t give you kudos for not committing sexual assault, you are not my personal Jesus for using someone’s correct pronouns. Recognizing your privilege and working to overcome it makes you a half-decent human being. Welcome to the club.
5) Teaching us stuff
I’m really happy that you read that article or saw that documentary, but please stop trying to teach people how they are oppressed. As someone who has had firsthand experience with sexism, I’m not going to be impressed when you try and tell me about the intricacies of the wage gap. This by the way is not a dude-exclusive problem; white feminists have a long history of lecturing down to, or “teaching” people of color about racism. Rule of thumb: teach those who need to hear it most, i.e. other people with your privileges who refuse to recognize there is a problem. I promise you will get significantly less praise than you do preaching to the choir, but instead you will potentially make a difference.
In the end, making that difference is exactly what this comes down to. Would you rather enact change by addressing your own privilege? Or be angry at this article for stereotyping all white men? It is difficult to reject what you have been told your entire life — that you have earned every one of your victories without an unearned advantage. If you do manage to do the right thing, just know I’m not lining up to thank you for your decency.
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By: Emily Current
When we take part in a group discussion we pay so much attention to what people are saying that we don’t really think about who is speaking. It wasn’t until I talked to a classmate of mine one day about classroom dynamics that I noticed that our tutorial often ended up being male dominated.
One of the reasons why it can be so difficult to see how gender dynamics play into classroom discussions is because these sort of interactions play into all aspects of our lives. Girls are taught from a young age that we should remain silent if we’re unsure of what we have to say. And when we are sure of what we have to say and do assert our thoughts, we often get criticized for doing so. Our society sends the message to girls and women that we are not welcome to say what we think, and this message has translated into university classroom discussions.
I’ve started to pay more attention to the way gender dynamics play out in class discussions and I’ve noticed that, overall, men seem more confident speaking in this sort of setting than women. I’ve noticed that men are more assertive when they contribute, and respond more confidently when another student argues with what they have said. While guys will simply assert their thoughts, girls seem to couch what they have to say with phrases like “I don’t know but…” or “this may just be my opinion…” adding an element of uncertainty to what they’re saying. Not only do men speak more confidently, they also speak more frequently. In one tutorial I took a tally of how frequently class members of different genders spoke, and found that there were similar numbers of girls and guys that spoke during the discussion. While this initially makes it seem like there is no issue, in the class there are twice as many girls as there are guys, meaning that in my tutorial, female students were speaking half as often as their male counterparts. Granted, I only tallied up one tutorial, but it is indicative of a larger problem.
Clearly these ideas are based on generalizations, because there are of course girls who do speak up in conversations and who make their claims confidently, just as I’m sure there are guys who don’t feel so confident speaking up. I think that it is important to be aware of our classroom dynamics regardless. There is no easy way to address the way that gender dynamics play into classroom discussions; therefore, it is crucial that at the very least we recognize the impact that they have. Even if nothing else can immediately be done, we should at least aim for an increased awareness of the space we take up in class discussions, and ask why we might participate the way we do.
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“I’m not a feminist.”
I was shocked to hear the words leave her mouth; I almost didn’t even believe it.
“I can’t tell, are you joking right now?” I asked.
“No. That’s just never a word I would use to describe myself.”
Hearing my mom tell me she didn’t relate to the term “feminist” was a blow to my whole understanding of society. For my entire life she has been the driving force that has taught me that women deserve equal rights when compared to their male counterparts and that I should always take care of myself and never rely on a man — or anyone else for that matter. And she is the one that is always the most disturbed and angry when she finds out I’ve faced sexism in the workplace. Yet for some reason, she wouldn’t call herself a feminist.
My parents, like many other students’, grew up in Canada in the ‘60s and the ‘70s. While they are both racialized individuals and these decades of their youth made headway for movements in civil rights, their greater understanding of things like gender and women’s rights, on the other hand, is slightly tainted with memories of what would have then been considered extremist activism.
Second-wave feminism was sweeping the nation at the time, and if youth were not actively involved in the movement (for a variety of reasons), they were often taught that this was something negative and over the top. Especially for people that were already being treated as pariahs for their skin colour, going into the street and talking about abortion and marital rape just brought up more opportunities for people to mock and abuse them.
The pivotal moments in my parents’ youth were restrained for various socio-political reasons. And because of these reasons, they now struggle with grasping the meaning of these terms in our modern society.
The actual semantics of the word “feminist” have gotten a horrible reputation over the years. And contrary to many a belief, some sampling in a Beyoncé song isn’t going to change everyone’s minds. Often I feel that my mission as a feminist is to overthrow the opinions of the people closest to me in age range, because they “are the future” and we should be focusing our time on them. But the harder mission may be to work with the people who raised me, and to educate people that I feel already know what’s going on, but don’t quite have the history to know what it means in our day and age.
The pivotal moments in my parents’ youth were restrained for various socio-political reasons. And because of these reasons, they now struggle with grasping the meaning of these terms in our modern society.
When trying to create a society that is truly intersectional, I often forget the important role that age plays. While there are many older citizens who do not stand up in arms in our present-day activism simply because they’re assholes, there are also many who weren’t raised to have the same knowledge and understanding that is being promoted to us today.
When we’re looking to talk to people and to promote diverse causes, it’s important to remember that age is also a point of privilege and the terms and ideas we’re bringing up may take more effort to understand. My mom is a feminist, but she refuses to call herself one because of the time she grew up in. Here’s to hoping our current efforts towards education in feminist activism can start to turn back time.
Photo Credit: Diana Davies
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I think I’m supposed to be outraged. My blood should probably be boiling at a video filmed by a classmate of the teenage girl at Spring Valley High, who was dragged from her chair and pinned down by a police officer in her classroom. Instead, it hurt me. She did not threaten anyone and did not have a weapon. The discussion around the incident has been focused on the excessive force used by the police, not the fact that there was an officer called to a classroom because a student declined to participate and didn’t leave the classroom when asked. Is this the response from authority that we have come to expect and accept? Why is this considered acceptable just because the student wasn’t white?
I’ve had people pour drinks on me, push me, scream at me and claim that I deserved harsh treatment with excuses like “a lot of black girls are whack.” The guilty parties will tell you that it is not about race, and then respectability politics will come into play. Respectability politics refers to the idea that if someone acts in a ‘socially respectable’ way then maybe they would be afforded the rights and fair treatment that they were supposed to have in the first place. “If she didn’t have an attitude...” “If she behaved properly...” “If she subjected herself to police brutality with a smile on her face, maybe she would have been arrested nicely.” “If she had not disrupted the school and disrupted that class, we would not be standing here today” was the direct quote from County Sheriff Leon Lott in response to the video. These respectability politics don’t affect black women only when interacting with the police. Research groups such as the African American Policy Forum and The Center for Intersectionality and Social Policy have sought to measure the impact on black girls of “[being] subject to harsher disciplinary interventions because they are perceived to be unruly, loud, and unmanageable” both inside and outside the classroom.
This is what I know for certain: the function of the police is to protect and serve the community. In that classroom no one was at risk or being harmed by the student in question; if the girl’s lack of participation was considered disruptive, surely the officer’s response was far more of a distraction. Will students feel safe attending this class now? According to a publication titled “Black Girls Matter: Pushed Out, Overpoliced, and Underprotected,” increased levels of law enforcement and security personnel within schools often make girls feel less safe and less likely to attend school. How will this teenager in her formative years view educational institutions or law enforcement?
For all of the incidents that garner media attention, we will never know the number of times someone was not fortunate enough to have the incident recorded.
Last summer the police were called to a teenage pool party in a gated community, and a black girl was subjected to excessive force and arrested. This fall, it was a black girl in a classroom. Who will it be this winter? A girl buying skittles wearing a hoodie? I’m angry that my existence and appearance means that I apparently deserve abusive treatment in the eyes of the law enforcement, or the eyes of my teacher, or the eyes of my partner. I like to think that I matter, just as much as the next girl. This is not a hashtag, this is a message: black girls matter.
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Cassandra Jeffery
The Silhouette
Ladies, it’s about time we have a serious conversation about gender equality.
There’s a certain issue that I’ve been trying to rack my brain around for quite some time now, and the finger to blame is on us women. Well, the first finger anyways. I’m sure as women we’ve all felt the bitter sting of sexist oppression in one form or another at some point in our lives. And even in the name of progression, unfortunately, I’m sure we will continue to feel the wrath of sexism for decades to come. As much as I dislike the way that society makes me feel as a woman, I absolutely hate the way other women in society can make me feel. As women, we can be the worst perpetrators of sexism and frankly, I’m already fighting one class of gender difference, I don’t have the energy to defend myself from girl-girl sexism.
I can guarantee we’ve all experienced and took part in a form of woman shaming. Now, I’m not going to pretend I’m a saint because though I have been the shamed, I admit I have also been the shamer on various occasions. Only now that I’ve received a certain level of education in women’s rights and a little more experience with age, can I say that I try to be a good feminist and stay away from shaming other women. Just think back to all of the times you commented on a woman’s weight (friend or not). How many times have you referred to a woman’s attire or sex life (presumed or not) with words like ‘slut’ or ‘whore’? When’s the last time you judged a woman based solely on what she looks like? Or, on the flip side, when’s the last time you referred to yourself as a slut because in your mind, because you think you’ve slept with one too many people? Not only is there woman-woman shaming, but we shame ourselves as well. And of course, we understand women’s identity primarily with how we understand society. Society implies women are to act a certain way, especially within the realm of sexuality, so we subconsciously follow suit. For example, how many times have you heard this scenario:
Girl discussing a date—“I went on a date last night with (add random name here) and we ended up sleeping together. But I completely wanted to and they’re only the 5th person I’ve ever been with so at least I’m nowhere near the double digits yet. I’m not like (add other, most likely woman’s, name here). She’s been with 15 people. I’m not that slutty.”
There are so many things wrong with a statement like this I don’t know where to being. First up, why do we always feel the need to justify to ourselves and to others why we were intimate with someone? In my opinion, your sexuality is exactly that: yours! If you’re comfortable, happy and consenting then why does it matter if your “number” is 2, 5 or 35? What might feel right for one woman in terms of sexuality may be completely different for another so let’s please lay off the slut shamming. We don’t allow and appreciate when men refer to us as “sluts” so why is okay for us to shame another woman for her personal sex life?
Women need to start becoming more encouraging to one another. As I’ve said earlier, we’re already facing oppression in society and we need that support and reassurance from other women in order to make solid progress. It’s about time we started to compliment and acknowledge the accomplishments (whether large or small) that other women make. I’m tired of hearing women say “well, she only got that promotion because of [insert angry accusation here].”
Enough.
One of the biggest issues I have with women is the constant weight-shamming culture that continues to exist despite our efforts to promote the ideology of beauty at whatever size. We’ve become big on this idea that curves are sexy but it seems there is a certain ratio quota to meet “curviness.” In a blog post by bellejarblog entitled “10 signs that feminism may not be for you,” the author writes, “you think that there might be a type of body-shaming that is acceptable.” Never in any case is it okay to shame another woman based on her body. We have to remember that we all have bodily autonomy. We choose how to maintain our bodies and it isn’t for anyone else to judge based on our choices. We can push both extremes of the situation; of course you would be concerned if a friend suffered from an eating disorder. It is unhealthy to either be much too thin or obese however we are still not in the right to judge based on such cases.
Here’s where the support part comes in. Be a good friend, listen and offer support, but never judgment. Bodily autonomy applies to self-maintenance as well. A women’s choice to grow or shave her body hair is exactly that, a choice. We can choose to have plastic surgery and we can certainly choose whether or not we have children. We must respect the choices of other women despite our own beliefs and opinions. It is her body and her choices, no one else’s. Shaming a woman for her choices only reiterates the gender hierarchy already implicated in society. So I’d say it’s about time we start supporting and encouraging the very people who make up our feminist movement.