By: Andrew Case
Are you ready for the greatest thing since that one time when Einstein proved that he hadn’t actually stood his date up at all because he’d walked really super fast to get there and his watch said he was actually early and so it must be the case that time is relative? Yes? Good.
Do you own a pair of socks? Congrats, you’re halfway there! Do you own Birkenstocks? You’re golden. Now all you need is either no fashion sense or a complete lack of shame, and your life will be transformed. The revelation to which I refer is, of course, ‘Stocks and socks.
I was introduced to this life-changing footwear combination back in my carefree youth. My friend Ryan, a lineman on the high school football team and a generally chill guy, was sitting in class – on a chilly November day, mind you – wearing his Birkenstocks and socks, just like he had been since September. I inquired, with a complete lack of tact (as per my usual) “Why are you still wearing socks and sandals? You must know that’s a faux pas.” “Nah, man,” came Ryan’s languid response, “you don’t understand. Birkenstocks and socks together are unreal.”
I was unswayed by Ryan’s wise words, I’m embarrassed to say. But I began to notice others who were committing the same fashion crime. Had the whole world gone mad? Curious, but unconvinced, I lived another year of my life without making the switch and becoming part of the ‘Stocks n’ socks family. Oh the regret! I tell you, if you are among the uninitiated, what I now know to be true: that there is no greater pleasure one can give the foot than the warm, cushioning embrace of a quality sock slid in-between the molded-to-your shape cork sole and fine leather upper of superior German footwear. Actually, to be perfectly honest, I haven’t tried socks with other sandals. It’s probably just as good.
Nonetheless, the socks and sandals stigma remains. We must unite, my friends, to crush the outdated notion that socks and sandals are only for dads, those over 70, and people who wear their phones on belt clips. Join me, I beg you, in wearing your ‘Stocks n’ socks, so that no haughty fashionista may look down upon us. Wear them in the Spring, in the Summer, and even in the fall. Wear them until it is so cold that you “can’t even.”
My only hope is that now, after reading this, you too will wear socks with your Birkenstocks or other variety of sandal. I waited too long to make the switch, and must live to bear the consequences of my actions. But it is not too late for you! And just maybe, by saving others from making my mistake, I can bring an end to the nightmares, the cold sweats, and the sleepless nights. So do it. Do it for me. But more importantly, do it for your feet: they will thank you.