Examining stigma on bisexuality from both ends of the sexuality spectrum
Biphobia: let’s talk about it. Loosely defined as an aversion towards bisexuality and bisexual people as individuals, biphobia is a concept that’s not too well understood, nor talked about enough. In recent years, the topic of sexuality has been a highly discussed topic, with the idea of free love becoming more and more accepted in the world today.
The introduction of 2SLGBTQIA+ characters in books, television and film has led to an increase in representation of the community, making it a lot easier for the community to live than it has been in the past. Though some people think that the entirety of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community is fully integrated, it’s still not an equal place for all members and among one of the more misunderstood members of this community are the individuals within the “B”; Bisexuals.
Though in recent years the population has gained a higher understanding for homosexuality, popular culture has fed into the idea that sexuality is a binary choice, essentially meaning that a person can only be attracted to one gender at once. Historically, bisexuality was dismissed as a “secondary sexuality”, implying that bisexual people were either closeted gay/lesbian individuals trying to appear “heterosexual”, or a heterosexual person “going through a phase”.
Contrary to popular belief, biphobia can be experienced within the 2SLGBTQIA+ community just as much as within the heterosexual community. Oftentimes, bisexuals are labelled as trying to escape oppression by conforming to social expectations of sexuality and love, leaving them to be viewed as “not real” members of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, because they are “straight-passing”.
A substantial issue is that bisexual men are either assumed to be gay or homophobic, increasing the want to conform to being either hetero or homosexual. This is pretty substantial and is supported through research, as a 2013 report by the Pew Research Center confirmed that only 12% of bisexual American males are ‘out’.
Along with this, bisexual women are fetishised, or said to be attention-seeking. This can be heavily seen through the experience of Megan Barton-Hansen, a bisexual competitor on Love Island. Instead of allowing her to freely explore and publicize her sexuality, internet users were quick to announce their beliefs that she was just “playing” her bisexuality and would ultimately end up with a man.
This bi-erasure is also seen in other celebrities, namely pop icon Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga is an openly bisexual woman. She’s spoken out about her sexuality more than once and revealed that her song ‘Poker Face’ is about her own personal experience with her sexuality. But through this, her sexuality is often ignored and she’s been accused of lying more than once about it. The Grammy Awards have even named Sam Smith as “the first [2SLGBTQIA+] person to win Best Pop Vocal Album”, even though Lady Gaga has already previously won that title.
“I may not, to some people, be considered a part of [the 2SLGBTQIA+] community, even though I like girls sometimes,” said Gaga to a group of people at 2019 World Pride in New York.
Bisexual representation in film and television is something that we need to discuss too. In 2018, the British Film Institute argued that bisexuals aren’t often explored in film and this is something that must be amended. Though television has had a better run with representation with characters such as Oberyn Martell (Game of Thrones), Callie Torres (Grey’s Anatomy), Frank Underwood (House of Cards), Rosa Diaz (Brooklyn Nine-Nine) and Annalise Keating (How to Get Away with Murder). There is still a lot of work to be done in ensuring that bisexuality is represented in the media and it is done without propagating any further stigma.
It’s been found that the constant marginalization that bisexual individuals face has had negative impacts on their physical health. A 2013 Pew Research Center report found that bisexuals have higher rates of anxiety and depressive disorders than straight and gay people; are at a higher likelihood for youth risk behavior; are more likely to develop eating disorders; heart disease and take up drinking or smoking and are less likely to feel very accepted in the workplace. Biphobia and bi-erasure is real and it can lead to serious physical harm of people within this community.
Bisexuality cannot be ignored when same-sex couples are not featured. Being with someone of the opposite gender does not make a person ‘straight’ and featuring a bisexual person in a relationship with the opposite sex does not make them any less queer. Given that a lot of people cannot come out to their families as bisexual without being told that it is simply a phase, we need to fight for ensuring that bisexuality, alongside all other sexualities and gender identities within the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, is treated with the respect and acceptance that it deserves.
How to learn and respect other people’s pronouns
Alright, so your friend asked you to call them “they/them” and you don’t know what in the heck they mean by that. Well, look no further — here’s a handy how-to guide on respecting other people’s identities. This article is based on the assumption that you want to learn how to get better at using pronouns. It is not intended to convince you that you should respect who people are — that’s just common decency.
So let’s jump in. How do you know what to call someone? One of the best ways is to offer your own pronouns first. You could include them in your email signature, or say them when you introduce yourself to someone.
This lets people know that you’re more likely to be accepting of their own identity. People aren’t obligated to tell you their pronouns, but sharing yours can help others feel more comfortable around you.
In English, the most common gender-neutral pronoun is “they”. Singular “they” has been used for hundreds of years to talk about people whose gender we do not know. When you check your Dominos order, it will tell you that the delivery person is on “their” way. However, “they” is not the only alternative to she and he.
Some people prefer to use neopronouns — pronouns specifically designed to convey a specific gender experience in a way that traditional pronouns cannot. Some examples include: xe/xem/xyr, ze/hir/hirs, ey/em/eir and fae/faer/faers. These pronouns are also frequently used in languages where there is not a neutral pronoun like “they”. If someone tells you that they use one of these sets of pronouns and you’re not sure how to pronounce it, just ask!
No one’s experience and identification is universal. It’s vital to pay attention and respect how people want to be understood. Gender is a unique experience and it can vary on a person-to-person basis.
Let’s walk through an example. Someone that you know comes out as gender fluid and asks you to use she/they pronouns. They tell you that they are comfortable being called “she” and being called “they”. That’s great! You should alternate between the two: “I was talking to my friend the other day, she said she’s doing well. They’re on their way to school right now.”
There will be points where you think to yourself: “I’m doing my best, but I keep making mistakes!” That’s okay. Like with anything, it takes practice to get it right. When you make a mistake, you can take a moment to repeat to yourself the person’s name and the pronouns that they use. You could hang out with a mutual friend and practice together.
If you use the wrong pronouns, that’s okay too. You don’t need to feel defensive or make a big deal out of it. Just notice the error, correct yourself and move on with the conversation. If you trip over yourself apologizing, the other person could feel guilty and won’t feel comfortable correcting you in future.
It’s also important to be flexible. Identities are not set in stone. Your friend might ask you to use only she/her pronouns, or they/them instead. They might switch the label they use for their identity. The better you get at using the right pronouns, the easier it will be for you to switch. With that being said, different identities are not a phase and it is vital that you remember that.
Like any new skill, there’s a learning curve to using the right pronouns. For most people, it’s not something they’re used to. But the more you practice, the easier it gets.
Making the case for why kink, leather and BDSM belong at Pride
If you have ever attended a Pride parade, you may have experienced the vibrant festivities featuring an endless stream of colourful floats, merchandise and ecstatic music. This is, as cisgender, heterosexual and white-dominant society deems it, a palatable celebration of 2SLGBTQIA+ community.
In conflict with this “ideal” representation of the community is the supposedly distasteful involvement and attendance of the kink/leather community at Pride. Consider the following controversial, now deleted, viral tweet: “Please don’t bring your k*nks/fet*shes to Pride, there are minors at Pride and this can sexualize the event.”
Although it is understandable that parents have a desire to specifically curate an ideal environment for their children, this unfortunately manifests as a relentlessly regressive attempt to hide any semblance of sex and kinks from youth. This rhetoric is harmful on innumerable levels, emphasizing that sex and sexual desire is inherently gross — that sex is taboo.
As such, attempting to eradicate any mention of sex and kink from Pride both serves to appease the cishet, white and able-bodied world. It connotes that queer sex specifically is dirty and shameful. In essence, stigmatizing sex and kink at Pride contradicts Pride’s intent: a protest spearheaded by sex workers and various intersectional subcultures within the 2SLGBTQIA+ community aiming for consensual queer sexual and cultural liberation. Queer sex, in itself, is inherently an act of rebellion.
This distaste towards kink and leather at Pride is also based on a fundamental misunderstanding on what the subcommunities themselves stand for. While it is easy to categorize them as being simply overtly sexual, it is important to emphasize that these were, above all, communities by and for queer and trans individuals to find family and the sex-positive empowerment that they were denied. For countless individuals who were rejected by friends and family, leather bars and clubs became safe spaces for them.
During the height of the AIDS epidemic, when cishet political figures, including Ronald Reagan, the then-President of the United States, were dismissive towards the so-called “gay plague,” patients with AIDS were estranged from society and effectively othered. It was the kink and leather community who stepped up, dedicating their time to embrace AIDS patients when disease transmission mechanisms were unknown. Such AIDS patients and Leather caregivers lived in “leather families,” communities of individuals who would unconditionally care for one another when biological relations refused to. In addition, the Kink and Leather community began hosting parties and BDSM events to fundraise for patients' costly care funds.
The Kink and Leather communities’ contributions during the AIDS epidemic and to the 2SLGBTQIA+ community were so great that the city of San Francisco recently openly commended them for their work, some appreciation long overdue.
No one has any right to litigate how individuals should identify, behave and express themselves to be valid within the 2SLGBTQIA+ community. Yet, unfortunately, we see this narrative occurring frequently, both from cishet society and the 2SLGBTQIA+ community. We witness society expressing transphobic rhetoric, questioning as to whether or not asexual and aromatic folks really belong and debating the validity of the leather and kink community, even considering their immense contributions to queer rights. However, it is essential to note that nobody should need to contribute to 2SLGBTQIA+ advocacy in order to prove their validity. They are valid simply for being them. To uphold such an expectation is to aid in reinforcing the homophobic and transphobic narrative created by dominant white, cisgender, heterosexual and able-bodied society.
We cannot abandon community members without reinforcing our oppression by cishet society's homogenized and “pristine” ideal of what the 2SLGBTQIA+ should look like. Kink and leather belong at Pride because above all, they are woven into it’s foundations: queer joy and sexual liberation for all.
Unlearning and breaking the stigma associated with the bisexual identity
Being a member of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community is hard. A large part of your identity is under near-constant scrutiny. What is usually considered a private aspect of your life becomes a matter of public discourse. Bisexuality can be understood as an umbrella term, encompassing several more specific identities related to sexuality. As someone who falls under this umbrella term, I have experienced discrimination for my sexuality from loved ones and strangers.
I am a non-binary, bisexual person in a relationship with a cisgender heterosexual man. I only mention that I am non-binary because I was assigned female at birth and am often perceived as such. Being perceived as a woman is troubling at times, but it has taught me a lot about biphobia in cis-heteronormative and 2SLGBTQIA+ spaces.
When I am out with my partner, no one gives us a second glance because we seem just like any other heterosexual couple. That is not the truth. Our relationship is inherently queer because I am queer.
A similar reaction is experienced by bisexual people in same-sex relationships, along the lines of, “so, you are basically gay then”. Either way, the bisexual identity is erased to cater to black or white ways of thinking, which appease both heteronormative and homonormative ideals.
As I have only been in serious relationships with men, I spoke to some bisexual friends and explored 2SLGBTQIA+ communities online to learn more about this sort of reaction. I was horrified to discover that the same black or white way of thinking is also applied to bisexual people within 2SLGBTQIA+ spaces. I could not stop thinking about how bisexual people are isolated by the same community that is meant to include them.
The sheer shock I felt when I first learned how contested the bisexual identity is in all spaces has not dissipated. I had always expected pushback from cis-heteronormative society, but I am appalled that many bisexual people still are not accepted by 2SLGBTQIA+ spaces. As far as I can recall, the “B” in 2SLGBTQIA+ stands for bisexual.
I often hesitate to tell people I am bisexual or to tell those who know, that I am in a relationship with a cis heterosexual man. I wish that I, and other bisexual people, did not have to feel uneasy about sharing a part of themselves. Discrimination on any basis, including someone’s sexuality, is an archaic action from a bygone era. It’s time to accept others for who they are and make an active effort to make sure people do not feel alienated from the spaces meant to include them. It’s time to say bye to biphobia.