When vanilla met BDSM

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If you are a human on this planet and are currently alive, you have heard about the novel Fifty Shades of Grey. The book — which featured a woman discovering kinky sex through her rich and emotionally constipated boyfriend — sparked controversy over whether a relationship that included kink could ever be considered healthy. It’s debatable whether the story can even be classified as BDSM (a better label for it would have been eroticized abuse), but here’s the thing, vanilla relationships, a.k.a. “conventional” ones, have a lot to learn from BDSM practices.

So what is BDSM exactly? People dressed in latex and leather? Whips and chains? Tortured souls like Mr. Grey trying to sexually work through their childhood trauma? An exact definition is a little hard to pin down. The acronym stands for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism, which covers a lot of ground but doesn’t really express the diversity of the scene, which is greatly shaped by your own personal preferences. Not everyone who is interested in BDSM is “damaged” or broken because of their tastes, nor is all BDSM about pain. Just because you like one aspect of BDSM doesn’t mean you don’t have limits, and while sometimes odd, it is not inherently abusive. Just like other relationships, BDSM is shaped by the people who practice it, not solely by the type of sex that one or both partners enjoy.

How does BDSM different from assault you ask? Explicit consent.

Due to the nature of kinky sex, you need to set out very clear parameters with your partner ahead of time. For example, how are you going to communicate if one person is gagged? What word ends the game when one partner is pretending to struggle? When should people check in about how they are feeling during or after a “scene”? All of these factors need to be decided well in advance, often with a detailed checklist or a long conversation.

This does not mean that we should give all BDSM practices a get out jail (or dungeon) free card. I should emphasize that not all BDSM is inherently benign. Many people get defensive when it comes to their kinks, which makes sense. Sex is personal, and when someone points out that your personal life is problematic I can see how your knee jerk reaction is to defend yourself. However, this doesn’t mean we can dismiss all criticism as “kink shaming.” For example, no matter who you are or how you express your sexuality, if you fantasize about rape I am going to be wary around you, no matter if you engage in safe roleplaying or not. I get that people often can’t help the fantasies that they are interested in or intrigued by, but this doesn’t mean that they don’t have real world ramifications. Our tastes do not exist in a vacuum, and we need to constantly be asking ourselves where they come from and how they affect our interpersonal relationships.

Often with vanilla sex there is an unspoken agreement that both partners are going to remain within “normal” and expected parameters, but nowhere along the way is “normal” defined. 

What healthy BDSM does well is facilitate a negotiation about our preferences. Often with vanilla sex there is an unspoken agreement that both partners are going to remain within “normal” and expected parameters, but nowhere along the way is “normal” defined. One person’s normal could be another person’s no-thank-you. There is no conventional conversation process which could help avoid uncomfortable or dangerous situations. Questions like, “what form of birth control will we be using?” or “is there any part of your body you would prefer I didn’t touch?” will make your partner —  and your sex life — more comfortable. I swear, it is not as unsexy as it sounds. Talking through sex before you have it can be exciting, and the sex itself will be better if you don’t feel like you are trying to find what makes your partner tick the same way you would a light switch in the dark.

Therefore, instead of thinking of BDSM as something freakish and unhealthy, let’s instead view it as a process. Let’s adopt the framework that comes with unconventional sex and bring it into our clandestine sex lives, because nothing but good can come from open conversation. Don’t make the mistake of assuming that just because your sex life doesn’t involve electric shocks or boot licking that you don’t need to talk about it.

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