Dear Neighbours...

By: Jamie Hillman

Dear Neighbours,

As a retired trick-or-treater, I have experienced many a Halloween throughout the years. And through this, I've managed to develop a route in my neighbourhood that only includes the 'good houses.'

By that, I'm referring to those awesome neighbours that give out cans of pop, and the full size chocolate bars. Score. And I am confident I can speak on behalf of all the candy-hunting witches, ghosts, and vampires when I say that there is absolutely nothing worse than eagerly knocking on a door, full of hope and a need for sugar, only to discover a bowl full of apples greeting you on the other side. We can all share in that sensation of disappointment as we put on a fake smile, and mutter a monotone, “thank you,” before running off to the next house.

We know you have the best intentions, but Halloween is the one night of the year that we are allowed to indulge in sweet treats without punishment from our parents. Apples just weigh down our bag, and I hate to break it to you, but they always end up as puréed mush on the side of the road once we're out of sight. It's not just fruit that can ruin our Halloween haul though; I know I always dreaded getting those McDonalds coupons that expired within a week, and those awful brown, chewy candies that get stuck in your teeth. Also, we could really live without a ballpoint pen obnoxiously advertising your company, or even worse - a toothbrush.

There are so many great options being thrown in your face as you walk into the grocery store, so there really is no reason why unsuspecting children should end up with a handful of loose peanuts and scotch mints at the bottom of their bag at the end of the evening.

Even though you might be the sweetest old lady on the block, we've been programmed since our very first Halloween not to accept any homemade goods as they've obviously been poisoned. It may seem ungrateful to complain about free candy, but let's face it, there are just certain products that merit more when making trades at the end of the night. So, when debating what to hand out at the door this year, don't rummage through your cupboards for some old boxes of raisins - just stick to the basics, and hopefully you'll make it on to the 'good house' list for next year.

Sincerely,
Ex trick-or-treater