How to survive a horror movie in 6 steps

Six simple steps that will ensure you don’t die within the first thirty minutes

Horror movies always seem to star stupid people. Regardless of age, location or occupation, every starlet seems to think it’s a great idea to find shelter in an abandoned basement, investigate the screaming sound coming from the attic, or adopt that one creepy little orphan whose only protection is the Young Offenders Act. If this Hallowe’en you find yourself bewildered with a horror movie-esque attack, here are six steps that may help you make it all the way to the credits.

1)   Remove yourself from isolated areas

So you live on a farm? Move. Axe murderers tend to be drawn to lonely wooden structures and small town environments. Cornfields, abandoned asylums and wooded areas are a no-no. Keep to more densely populated city areas and travel in packs of 10 or more. If you cannot avoid being in an real viagra pharmacy prescription isolated area, have a car on hand to drive your ass the hell out of there in case of an emergency (preference for SUVs and Hummers).

2)   Don’t investigate weird sounds

If you hear a weird sound coming from the floor above you, CALL THE POLICE. I don’t care how many triathlons you’ve done or how badass you think you are, you are not equipped to battle a psychopath ghost living in your attic. You are not Scooby Doo, you are not Bill Murray, and you are not that lady from Long Island Medium, you are no match for the paranormal.

3)   Carry a charged cellphone

One of the luxuries of the twenty-first century is the easy access to portable electronic devices. Use your goddamn phone to call for help. You also want to make sure you have enough battery power for your caller ID to work. The last thing you need is to answer a call from an “Unknown Number” and find yourself being stalked while manoeuvring a babysitting gig. That being said, another good tip – don’t be a babysitter.

4)   Don’t lean against walls or doors

When the floorboards in the next room are creaking and you don’t know how to check if the coast is clear, leaning against the wall/door for a better listen is not a good idea. Because there you are all huddled up next to your plywood framework and all of a sudden, you’re getting shanked in the spleen with some next Kill Bill blade. Unless your home is made of steel, you are not going to be safe from the person in the next room.

5)   Don’t have sex

Ok guys, so I know when you’re scared and lonely you feel the need to get handsy, but there are several important considerations when it comes to fear-induced-freak. Don’t be caught pant-less, you will find yourself running for your life semi-nude. Don’t get pregnant, because you will give birth to a demon child. Don’t have sex, because you will get chlamydia and you will die.

6)   Double tap

It’s never dead when you think it is. Give it another hit.