Dear Satanbucks

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The other day I came to your store to buy a seven-dollar venti low fat extra whip salted caramel mocha with coconut milk, and the biggest outrage wasn’t the price or your misspelling of my name again, but rather the fact that your cup was just plain red. I couldn’t believe it. #RedCupGate is real.

I mean, I forgot what your cups looked like in past years (I’m pretty sure Jesus on the cross was on the cup last year?), but this is definitely an outrage. I can’t believe that you are against Christmas. What did Santa ever do to you? By the way, you sure as hell ain’t getting a gift from him this year (just like every past year, but that’s cause you’ve always been a bad boy).

These plain red cups are so offensive. Look at it. It’s just red. The colour of blood. It doesn’t matter that you have gift cards that say “Merry Christmas,” Christmas tree ornaments, Christmas CDs, a Christmas blend, and snowman cookies. How dare you say “Happy Holidays” to me? You must say “Merry Christmas.” I don’t care about other holidays. The Jews can get in line. Hanukkah can wait, because Christmas was here first.

There are just a few of us on the #MerryChristmasStarbucks bandwagon right now, so my hope is that this letter will go viral and all the Christians around the land will rally to the cause started by Joshua Feuerstein (praise be). Most of them right now are being good Christians, spreading their faith, and being nice contributing members of society. But it’d be better if they all just dropped what they’re doing and boycott a cup. Thankfully, a lot of people out there are extrapolating the beliefs of my small dissenting group of extreme fanatics to be representative of all Christians, which makes things easier for us.

Christians, if you’re reading this, the plan is to go to Starbucks, pay them money so you can get a drink that says Merry Christmas on it, and then post it on social media so that everyone can see it. We need everyone to be thinking of Starbucks and joining us in buying more drinks from this hellhole. Only then will they learn their lesson.

Alternatively, we can do what Donald Trump said, and boycott Starbucks. Then we can take all the money saved from not buying your drinks to build a wall to push back those dirty Mexicans.

Taking a page from Joshua, I’m also going to exercise the second amendment and bring my gun to Starbucks the next time I come. In fact, I’m heading to Wal-Mart right after this. Wait. We’re in Canada. Damn it. Screw this place and its polar bears.

This isn’t over you Satan worshipping bastards.

Praise God,

The Best Christians

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