A Bromance is the only romance I need

Em Kwissa / The Silhouette

Sam Godfrey / Senior InsideOut Editor

How did we meet?

We met in Moral Issues. I don’t remember meeting you formally. You just came up to me and said, “Hey my housemate and I think you’re super cool, want to come over for dinner sometime?”

I didn’t know your name. But I knew your housemate’s and I found you in a picture on his Facebook wall. You were under a blanket and the caption said, “My demand for blankie is greater than the supply.” And I knew, “That’s her.”

And then I sent you a message promising to get you pregnant. I mean, there was more to it than that. But I remember thinking “That’s not a promise I can keep.”

OH also I initially thought you and your housemate were together, and after I agreed to come over I worried it was maybe an untoward situation. More promises I couldn’t keep.

What is your favourite bro activity that we participate in together?

The first bro based activity we did (and it’s sentimental for that reason) is we made a lot of layered food. By a lot I mean two. Like nacho lasagna.

I feel like we laid the foundation of our bromance as we laid every layer of that nacho lasagna.

I feel like a lot of our bromance is food-based. A lot of my bromances are food-based. I can’t think of a bromance that’s not food-based. (Unless… Can it be beer-based?)

Wait, we also pass each other notes in class. Do bros do that? That’s probably the romance part of the bromance.

Obviously we have got tons in common – like, hello – but what are some differences that are equally important to our friendship?

Other than puns. Let’s not speak of puns. Well, I feel like you’re a lot more in touch with your emotions.

Even though you cry more.

Even though I cry all the time. Happy cries.

You can also internet much better than I can.

WHAT? NO. I DISAGREE.

Okay, no, we internet similarly. I’m drunk more often than you are. You can draw pretty things. (I just tried to spell that p-r-I-t-t-y, but Word was like “no.”) You don’t look like you got dressed in the dark. Which is an indirect way of saying you look nice. I feel like I embarrass myself in public more than you do. No, wait, that’s similar.  You watch a lot more animal-slash-body fluid videos. Maybe we should word that differently. “Medical videos,” yeah. You know a lot of cool idioms. Sometimes I try to keep up. And you’re good at keeping me in line in public. But also accepting me. But also telling me when to reel it in. “That’s okay, but only in private. Not in the grocery.”

You always wear your hair up. You hate dresses. I love dresses. You know way more fabulous gay people than I do. You’re a better student than I am. You’re more activities-oriented.

You’re better at having good thinks. Like, your blog is great. It’s like, you use your life to illustrate things about other people’s lives. Even though your life is not like other people’s lives. I’m saying “life” a lot. And I’m not even playing Life. Your anecdotes are less family-friendly than mine – even though hashtag SHEC. You used to flail a lot less than I did, sorry. Sorry.

Pop quiz: Compare and contrast “bros” and “romance,” with “bromance.”

When I think “bros” I think about specific activities: sports bros, coffee house bros, work bros.

And “romance,” I was thinking about the difference between romance and friendship the other day, actually. The only thing I could come up with was the kissing. But even then, there are romances that don’t have kissing.

Well because you have Head Feels, Heart Feels and Pants Feels – and you’re looking for the trifecta.

Friendship is just Brain feels, like “I’m so into your brain.” With some Heart Feels. But no Pants Feels. Maybe that’s what friendship is.

That makes it sound like you’re less in the trifecta, when you’re just as much a part of it: you don’t even need them.

What’s it like being the coolest one in the relationship?

That’s a loaded question.

I think it’s very fortunate that we both think the other one is cooler.

Usually it’s not like that. Usually one person thinks they’re cooler than the other, all “Yeah, you’re lucky to have me.” And the other person feels like they don’t deserve them.

But here we both feel lucky, it’s just like “GUYS. GUYS. LOOK HOW COOL MY FRIEND IS,” for both of us.

I bet other people get sick of it. I know my mom does. “When do I get to meet Sam?” “How is Sam?” “Seen Sam lately?”

Pfft. What a ludicrous question.

What’s the best part of being in a bromance? And/or what is different between a bromance and a regular friendship?

I think the difference is that when you’re in a friendship you have all of the things that are going to satisfy your friendship needs. Things that don’t require the African Violet.

Bromance you are excited about the friendship itself.

I don’t just get excited about you, because let’s be honest you’re pretty great, I’m also crazy about the bromance itself.

So you’re great, and the friendship is great: Two levels of fan-fricken-tastic.

Our friendship is like this third awesome person that’s the best parts of us.

Don’t.

Cry.

How do you feel about people assuming we are lesbian for each other? (Yeah, like we are lesbian specifically for each other, give me a break.)

I’m always very flattered, and I also like to play that up because it’s hilarious. I feel like that’s a small way of being an ally. Is that offensive?

If you ask us if we’re lesbian for each other we’ll probably say yes.

Like that time Kate asked how we knew each other and I said we were sleeping together. And she was like, “I meant before that.” There is no before that. I don’t know when you count from, but there’s no before.

How do you feel when people think we’re sleeping together?

I think it’s hilarious.

It’s not insulting, because first of all, you’re hot, and second, being gay isn’t a bad thing.

It’s like when people think I’m a natural blond. Silly, but hey.

(At this point Em took a Yo-Yo off the coffee table and began using it. Obviously she is very affected by the homoerotic undertones of our relationship.)

Would you still love me if I were fat?

I would love you if… Okay:

I would call Guinness and report you as the fattest person on Earth and stand by you as they took your picture and I’d want to be reported as the person who was friends with this person. I don’t think that was even a sentence. What I’m trying to say is: yes.

Why, do you want some more nachos?