Dear snails

By: Olivia Monadro

It has recently come to my attention that there is a terrible infestation in the McMaster hallways. A mob of them lurks in the shadows, scanning the crowds of students, patiently awaiting it’s next hurried victim. What kind of creature is this, you ask? Its blood thirst rivals that of a shark; it’s more ruthless than an anaconda, and sneakier than a raccoon. It’s the slow walker. This horrid creature tends only to reveal itself when you’re in a rush and already late for your next class. There are many of these creatures disguised as regular-speed students, and they choose to inhabit the parts of campus with the most traffic.

My most recent encounter with a slow walker happened two days ago while I was unsuccessfully trying to get to tutorial on time. I was zipping through the student center, doing my best to weave my way through the throngs of students, when all of a sudden I was stopped dead in my tracks by a group of three girls walking slower than slugs. I tried to dip left, then tried to veer right, but there was no getting past these zombie walkers. My urgent stress about being late for class didn’t seem to cross their minds as they took their delicate stroll through the student center that day as if they didn’t have a care in the world.

Some of these monsters are separated from the pack, but these are even more dangerous. They pull out their phones, trying to find their way back to their pack. In their desperation, they abandon any pretense of a reasonable field of vision. They’ll walk into you, stop, or pull a 180-degree turn. Individually, these creepers are even more unpredictable. What Mac needs is a slow walker lane, just like the ones that have recently popped up in Shanghai.

These slow walkers who have taken up residence within the walls of our school need to be stopped. Don’t let their apparent innocence trick you, and never let your guard down. The only way to anticipate a slow-walker attack is to keep your eyes peeled and your pace brisk. Go to a parkour lesson and take notes from the chase scenes in the Bourne movies. Get pumped listening to Ludacris’ Move B**ch. The chase is on.

Get outta the way!

People with actual things to do