Embracing queer self-love as a foundation of healthy relationships

If our first relationship of true love is not with ourselves, it's inevitable that we will face nothing but heartbreak

I firmly believe that truly being comfortable with being in your own company prior to entering a relationship is important for building a healthy relationship.

Relationships aren’t meant to be something you go into seeking validation, love or another aspect you cannot provide for yourself at that moment. Instead relationships should be something you enter feeling as a whole person; you are not pieces coming together but rather whole entities contributing to a collaborative relationship. 

The journey of self-discovery is often a significant part of the queer experience. It’s often intertwined by the navigation and understanding of one's identity within a society that is not outright supportive. 

Navigating the intersectionality of sexual orientation and gender identity as well as culture, religion and race presents its unique challenges for the Queer community. Undergoing self-discovery in isolation creates an environment where Queer individuals experience discrimination, internalized stigma and pressure to conform to societal norms which can often limit their self-discovery.

Being comfortable with, accepting and loving of one's authentic self as a queer individual is important because it promotes honesty in future relationships. Through being oppressed for a long time, it is normalized to be involved in a continuous cycle of fear. Being comfortable with and confronting this fear can avoid igniting trust issues in a relationship which can end up making that relationship a toxic one. 

Self-love also empowers Queer individuals to set healthy boundaries in relationships because they are not compromising their self-respect for validation from their partner. This also allows them to recognize red flags and ensure mutual respect between themselves and their partners as they are rooted in their confidence of their self-worth derived from their self-love. 

Once we experience self-love, we understand what we deserve out of our relationships. 

Although self-love is an individualized aspect, also holding strong connections to your community can often promote one’s self-love. The community we are surrounded by teaches us how we are meant to care for ourselves, especially if we couldn't express ourselves openly before.

Community holds significant importance when it comes to loving yourself as a Queer person because it provides a sense of belonging and demonstrates the numerous ways individuals showcase authenticity. Observing others within your community who had similar experiences practicing acceptance towards themselves first is a strong example of what self-love is and how it can be practiced.

Mark Suknanan is one example of how prioritizing self-love, acceptance and authenticity can contribute to a healthy relationship with a partner as a Queer person.

More famously known under his drag persona ‘Priyanka’, he was the winner of the first season of Canada’s Drag Race in 2020. In 2020, the Silhouette sat down with Suknanan/Priyanka before the first season aired. The Queer icon has used drag to adventure into their self-identity allowing them to further explore their bounds of self-love.

As a kid, I grew up watching YTV after school. Turning on the channel, I was met with Suki - a fun, lovable, Indo-Caribbean host of "The Zone." However, it wasn't until later in life that I found out that Suki was a host by day and a drag queen by night.

An enormous aspect of Suknanan's self-love embarks on embracing his Indo-Caribbean culture. Small gestures including bringing curry to lunch on set has helped Suknanan to embrace aspects of his identity. He also represents his culture through wearing traditional outfits in publicized spaces when in drag. 

[G]rowing up, you’re so scared to bring your chicken curry to school because you don’t want your white friends to smell it, and now everyone is like ‘Oh my god Priyanka is the first ever Guyanese drag queen on Drag Race’,” said Priyanka in an interview with The Silhouette in 2020. “At this time in my life, I am the proudest to be who I am because I’m representing people who need to be proud of who they are.”

The large steps he has taken with society have built a bridge between the Hindu and Queer community. By embracing his authentic identity, Suknanan has first prioritized his own love of and comfort with himself instead of relying on and conforming to his partner for this. This mindset promotes a healthy relationship as self-love is prominent between the individuals. 

Nurturing all parts of oneself allows for individuals to enter relationships honestly as they are presenting the wholeness of who they are. To practice self-love means to love ourselves whole heartedly and authentically.

Once we truly appreciate ourselves we can then begin to water the flowers in someone else's garden.