Is your relationship unhealthy?

By: Palika Kohli

I’m the kind of person who gives second (and third and fourth and fifth) chances to the people I care for. I firmly believe that if I know the reasoning behind someone’s mistake, then I can figure out a way to genuinely forgive them.

But sometimes there comes a point when you realize the mistakes a person makes aren’t actually mistakes at all. They’re purposeful decisions that reflect an integral part of their personalities.

But, being the all-forgiving soul you are, you ignore this fact and continue making excuses for their behaviour. You repress your response to their abrasive characteristics. You focus on the good memories you have of them and remind yourself that they haven’t always been this way. You hold on to an idea of the person, no matter who they are becoming or have already turned into.

You begin to believe that if you find it in yourself to forgive them, you are becoming a better, more mature person; that it will help you deal with ‘all kinds of characters’ in the future.

Then, suddenly, the invisible line that you have been pushing farther and farther out into unknown territories gets crossed. And that’s it.

Sometimes we need to do more than just clean out our closets to get a fresh perspective on ourselves. So here’s a list of indicators if a relationship in your life – romantic or otherwise – is unhealthy.

Verbally abusive: This doesn’t have to mean what you think it does – their snide remarks can be the basis for a realization that this person isn’t adding to your quality of life.

Uses gossip to get close to you: On this same line – if you realize that all you discuss with this person are other people, your relationship probably isn’t going anywhere.

Feeling a lack of privacy: They’re constantly in your room, reading your phone, or consistently referencing details of your social networking profiles.

Inconsiderate of your situation: They can make unreasonable demands, expecting things from you that maybe you can’t afford to give – be it time or money – and then they don’t appreciate what you do give, because it isn’t a tangible object.

Passive-aggressiveness: They won’t say anything aloud if it’s bothering them, but will show it in other ways – or will hold it against you in the future.

Gratefulness: You should never be feeling grateful that a person is suddenly making time for you, that they returned your call or that they showed up – this indicates imbalance.

Justification in assertion: You should never feel uncertain asserting your opinion or be scared of arguing when you don’t agree with them.

Finally, it can often be cathartic to actually tell a person why you don’t want them in your life. It means that you have to think carefully, and drain out your anger and bitterness before confronting them. You will have the opportunity to sit down and have a civil conversation over past issues, thoughts or feelings – maybe you will even prevent them from making the same mistakes in the future. But at the very least, it will be off your chest.