Top or bottom, the label shouldn't define sexuality

Chantal Cino 

Silhouette Staff

In this article the term "queer" is used as an umbrella term for any relationship that falls outside of heterosexual norms.

If you’re queer, then the meaning of the terms "top" and "bottom" are likely common knowledge to you. It is also likely that you assume that everyone else understands them as well. This is not true.

After being asked multiple times about how things “work” in a same-sex relationships, particularly the sexual aspects, it became very clear to me that this concept, while clear to myself, is not understood by most people. Don’t worry; I will try to explain.

Taken in a literal, albeit one-dimensional, sense the term ‘top’ refers to the partner who is on top in a sexual situation, or ‘giving it’ as I’ve heard it been described. Conversely, the term bottom would then refer to the partner who is on the bottom, or ‘taking it.’

Now, many people think that the conversation ends here, but these roles are more complex than simply the positioning of one’s body. In fact, they transcend sexual position.

At their core, topping and bottoming are about dominance and submission.  But this generalization takes us into dangerous territory. People who think a top is simply the ‘man’ in the relationship are making a very common misconception.

It is the misconception that dominance and masculinity are the same thing. If you just realized that you have been making this misconception yourself, please stop. I can tell you right now, there is no man in my relationship, but the aspect of dominance is alive and well.

Think of it this way: have you ever been on top of your partner, but they are still holding the control in the situation? In this case, you would still be the bottom, regardless of your location.

It is also important to note that there is a stigma attached to being a bottom, for a misconception that being submissive is equivalent to being weak also exists.

Again, this is an unfair connection to draw, for being willing to submit yourself to the lead of another person takes possibly more strength than actually taking said lead.

With this new knowledge in mind, we can form more accurate definitions for these terms. We can now say that a top is the partner who is exerting a dominant role in the sexual experience, while a bottom is the partner who is taking on the more submissive role. Are things starting to make a bit more sense? Great.

Now, if you’re queer, you have likely also been asked whether you’re a top or bottom, and if you’re straight you may have been the one doing the asking, whether using those exact words or not.

While the appropriateness of such a question can be debated, it is likely that you have at least considered your answer, whether it was verbalized or not. For some, this answer may be simple. For others, neither term may exclusively describe them.

As humans we like to have nice neat labels and categories for people; it allows us to more easily understand them. But the world, and people, are rarely that simple.

While some may insist that you must fill one role or the other, it is completely possible for a person to take on different roles at different times.

Maybe you like to top about 80 per cent of the time, and bottom the rest. Or vice versa. Maybe your time spent exploring your dominant and submissive sides is fairly equally split. Maybe your role changes from one relationship to another.

But really, your preference doesn’t always matter. As hard as it may be for some people to wrap their minds around it, versatility is an extremely legitimate aspect to one’s sexual activity.

As we queers know, things are rarely black and white, particularly when a person’s sexuality is involved.

So whatever role you fall into, in whatever combination, embrace it. And enjoy it. You might even learn something.