The midterm conspiracy

Midterms cause a great deal of stress, but do we need them to begin with?

Shashanth Shetty

The Silhouette

If you’re reading this, don’t look up. Just keep reading. No! I said don’t look up. They’ll know. Quickly, drop your gaze, you fool! Act inconspicuous!

Have they stopped watching? Good. Don’t draw attention to yourself. The information I am about to impart is vitally important, and it is essential that you hear it. So just act quiet and unassuming. Don’t hunch over. Don’t look distractedly from left to right. Don’t hiss at passersby. And whatever you do, don’t buy sandwiches from the deli. They’re way over-priced and they don’t even taste that good.

Last week, while feverishly preparing for midterms, I got to thinking: why do we have midterms, anyway? It’s not like they really help me absorb any knowledge. They certainly don’t test my ability to retain what I’ve learned. They do, however, test my patience, and my ability to cram as much relevant information as possible in as short a time as possible.

Besides, the timing and placement of the exams couldn’t be worse. Having most of my exams placed in the same week that most of my favorite shows premiered cannot be a coincidence. Study for my psych midterm, or watch the first episode of The Walking Dead? Yeah, that’s a difficult choice.

It was while I was involved in such heady and deep thoughts that I began to contemplate the usefulness of midterms. And that’s when it hit me. I had stumbled upon McMaster’s best-kept secret. A secret that was gargantuan in proportion, and slightly lacking in coherence, the likes of which haven’t been seen since JFK.

It’s a very simple secret, too. Not difficult to grasp at all. Essentially, it goes as follows. Midterms mean money. It’s as simple as that. Of course the University wants to keep midterms going. It has nothing to do with ‘testing students,’ whatever that’s supposed to mean. The midterm season means an influx of cash for the university. It’s a literal goldmine of students, actively spending on campus like they’ve never spent before.

Lacking sleep? Have some fresh Tim Horton’s coffee! Couldn’t make breakfast? Willy dogs for only three dollars! Haven’t bathed in four days? Sign up for a gym membership, and you can bathe and look your best for only $120! Tenuous links, I know, but work with me here – I’m trying to get midterms cancelled.

It works out so that everyone wins, especially the University. Hell, I’d wager someone else’s fortune that this is where the majority of their money comes from (actually, don’t quote me on that). It’s a Ponzi scheme, and we’re the suckers at the very bottom.

And don’t think there’s anything we can do about it, either. The establishments made it very clear whose side they’re on. With a cash cow like this, why would they even consider changing the status quo? No, this is likely to be the last thing on their minds. And they’re potentially the only ones who could affect change anyway. What’s that, you say? You have rights, and people willing to fight for those rights? Representatives who will battle on your behalf? Student interest groups who will insure that this travesty is put to an end? Hah! Don’t be naïve. They’re all a part of the system.

This is probably going to be my last newspaper entry. Having printed my name alongside my accusations, I fear they’ll figure out fairly quickly that I’m to blame for this particular article. If they hadn’t before, they will once they read this. And they’ll “deal” with me, as only snobby, upper-class university officials know how - by increasing my tuition fees.

Responsibility, then, falls to you. Spread the message. Inform the people. We need to know the truth on midterms. In times like this it’s paramount that we remember the words of Gandhi: “The truth can only be [censored] if and only if we [censored]. We must always be [censored] to [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored], [censored].”