What's the point of getting married?

To wed or not to wed? That is the question

When I envision my future, it’s never shared with another person. I spend a lot of time thinking about potential careers, where I want to live, and experiences I hope to gain. But if you asked me to describe my dream partner, I wouldn’t have a good answer. My biggest ambitions and wildest fantasies don’t include a husband or wife.

This is not to say that I don’t want to get married. Theoretically, it’s something I’d like to do someday. But it’s not something I necessarily see myself doing, in the same way I might never be a homeowner. It would be great, but marriage isn’t something I’m actively seeking out or planning for, at least not right now.

I have friends my age who are already married or engaged. I have friends my age who hope to eventually get married, if/when they meet the right person. I have friends who are ambivalent and friends who are against marriage.

I have always assumed that I would get married. When I was a child, marriage seemed like an essential part of life. You grow up, you get married, you have kids. I grew up in a nuclear family and naturally figured I would end up with a nuclear family of my own.

I also grew up in the Christian Church, which tends to have strong opinions about marriage, sex, and relationships. In general, Christians view marriage as a covenant made between a husband and wife, before God, to live their lives united with one another. Beyond this shared understanding, subjects such as equality and roles of a husband and wife, inter-faith marriage, same-sex marriage, and permissibility of divorce remain up for debate.

This is not going to turn into a theology lesson. I promise.

As a Christian, I want to live my life in a God-honouring, biblically sound way. My problem is that there are varying interpretations of the Bible and I feel like I will be forever figuring out what I personally believe. This process is called discernment. Feel free to pray for me.

Although I went to church every week, marriage wasn’t really something that we talked about in Sunday school. It was a topic for the grown-ups and I wasn’t particularly curious about it. Even as I got older and started dating, marriage still seemed like a far-off, distant inevitability. As a result, marriage and all its related complexities remain an area marked with uncertainty.

Do I really believe that sex should be reserved for marriage? If pre-marital sex isn’t ok, how far am I willing to go? Can I theologically support my conviction that homosexuality isn’t a sin, or am I just telling myself that because I’m attracted to women? Can I marry someone who isn’t Christian? Can I date someone if I know they aren’t the kind of person I would ever want to marry?

For a long time, I have been content without all the answers.

I think it’s perfectly fine to not have everything figured out. I am allowed to continue to learn and grow and change my opinion. However, as I start to plan more seriously for the future, I think it’s time I start factoring a potential spouse into the equation.

To be clear, my (possible) wedding is still far, far away. I’m not in any rush to find someone to settle down with but recently I’ve started thinking about what that might look like, for me specifically.

What do I value and require in a partner? What kind of partner do I want to be, and how do I go about becoming that person? How should I approach relationships knowing that marriage is a possible aspiration, but not my sole objective in life?

I’ve been contemplating if I want to get married, and if so, why I want to get married.

Much of this musing was prompted by a conversation with a close friend, who told me she doesn’t want to get married. “I just don’t see the point,” she said. Her logic was that if divorce is possible, getting married doesn’t guarantee you’ll stay together, so there’s no material difference between marriage and a committed, common-law partnership.

I was surprised by her perspective and even more surprised at my response. I found myself immediately on the defensive.

To my friend’s credit, she meant that she personally had no reason to get married, not that marriage is universally pointless. So, there wasn’t exactly an argument to be had. But for some reason I felt the need to convince her of the significance of marriage. I tried, and failed, to change her mind.

In several religions, including Christianity, marriage is a sacred, spiritual partnership. It is not the only important form of relationship, but there are specific practices, interactions, and levels of intimacy reserved for married couples. The whole faithful covenant to one another and commitment to serving God together thing matters to me. But why should my friend, or any other non-religious person care?

Marriage is also a legal union, with associated rights and responsibilities that vary based on government legislation. In Canada, common law partners share similar rights, with some differences such as those related to property division and effects of separation.

I have not seriously researched what it means to be legally married — further evidence that I’ve previously given marriage little thought. In my uneducated opinion, if you plan to spend your life with someone, you might as well enjoy the legal benefits of marriage. My friend raised a counterpoint: why risk the potential legal consequences of divorce?

But it’s a symbol of commitment.

Shouldn’t the commitment be enough? I don’t need a symbol.

But you get to celebrate that you’re making the commitment together.

Have you met me? I would never want to have a party to celebrate myself.

But it’s not yourself, it’s you and your partner and you’re celebrating that.

I still would hate that. I wouldn’t want the attention.

So you could just keep it just to family.

But I could just have a nice family dinner and announce that we’re committing to the relationship.

Or you could elope.

Yeah, but then what’s the point?

Ultimately, marriage is a social construct; it has no inherent meaning besides what social, cultural and religious customs dictate. To me, marriage means something deeper than a committed relationship because of my specific context. In my mind, marriage is synonymous with a commitment for the rest of your life, as long as you both shall live. To my friend, it simply doesn’t, and that’s okay.

My friend and I are fortunate to live in a time and place where women can be financially and legally independent, married or otherwise. Historically, marriage was an agreement to control lineages and was primarily seen as an economic institution. The idea of marrying “for love” which is predominant in North American culture was only popularized towards the end of the 19th century.

Marriage is no longer a practical necessity, and its meaning continues to be redefined socially. Although unmarried adults in North America still encounter stigma and social discrimination, being unmarried is not a barrier to leading a happy life.

As an aside, I want to recognize that marriage is a privilege that some couples, particularly same-sex couples, are excluded from. Same-sex marriage is only legal in 38 countries, including Canada. With calls for the United States to reverse their ruling on marriage equality and reports of increased anti-2SLGBTQIA+ hate, recognizing the validity of same-sex relationships is as important as ever. It is counter-cultural, revolutionary even, to celebrate this love.

God, I would love to marry a woman.

I guess I do want to get married. At least, I think of marriage as a meaningful ceremony that symbolizes commitment to a partner and lets you celebrate that commitment surrounded by the people you love.

Whether or not I’ll find someone deserving of my hand in marriage is another story. If I’m being completely honest, not very many people catch my eye. Maybe my standards are too high.

Marriage is not something I consider a marker of success, or a mandatory prerequisite for a fulfilling life. If I choose to get married one day, it will be because I’m with someone who helps me achieve my goals and live out my dreams. I want to marry someone who is worth spending the rest of my life with. Otherwise, what’s the point?